COMMITMENT IS PRETTY HARD NOW

Posted by ckashaan on June 24, 2012
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Im a solo guy. I always have been, I always thought I would be. I walk fast, eat fast, make moves fast, live fast. I just stay at a breakneck speed and not many people can keep up so I assumed no one can and do things alone. Sometimes I take time out, but not often.

But let me be clear. I always thought I’d be a solo guy, not a single guy.

Now I have a boyfriend and it’s like speedbrake!! Like just today I woke up, did some flight simulations, ate breakfast..a rarity.., and decided imma go to the pride parade then eat then maybe walk around and do some shopping. All by myself lol. Then I applied major breaking and thought, “umm maybe i might want to see if my boyfriend wants to hang out”. So I modified my itinerary and asked ken if he’d like to go out.

But that took a conscious active thought.

Staying single for so long and not trying to jump into anything, my auto-thought processes go straight to entertaining myself. But im trying hard to switch over. It’ll take a small step at a time though and i’m used to quick results when I do something lol. Just like my brother’s dad told me yesterday. I need to be more patient I guess.

Besides if i’m willing to change with that much effort, it shows how much I like him. Well to me anyway. And I say people don’t change. 😉

Til next time. Stay frosty.

MY LITTLE..errr..BIG MIKEY

Posted by ckashaan on June 17, 2012
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so i went out to meet my oldest little brother at my middle little brother’s football practice so i could take him to play handball. he doesn’t like just sitting around waiting for it to end because he gets bored soooo easy lol. and i got there early so i figured i’d watch my brother practice a bit. I was trying to give him a a couple more weeks to get settled in before i started watching his practices so i could be all big bro-status and give him epic pointers on how to do better, but i saw something i didn’t expect to.

my lil bro made friends bigger than him. and they surrounded him like a perfect barrier against anything. most epic metaphor ever

of course i felt a little displaced like my lil bro who needed me to protect him from everything no longer needs me, but i was so happy for him. he’s really learning how to be on his own. adapt to the crowd around him. fit in and be comfortable. i no longer need to worry about him when he’s not around me because now i know he will be ok.

so i just leaned on the gate with the proudest big brother smile on my face watching him from across the field(if he knew i was there, i’d lose my element of “even though you don’t see me, i see everything you do.” lol). my mikey is finally growing up and he’s not doing too bad at it. although there are some times he catches that additude and i want to kick him in his throat….

but that’s 2 out of 4 little brothers headed in the right direction for their teenage years. my little washy is not too far behind, and my wayyy little samuel isn’t going to be a pain in my ass until im in my 30’s. …you have no idea how much i cringed that i’d be 30 lol…

but that’s all i ever wanted. yeah i’ll miss michael not coming to me that some bigger kids were messing with them and he wants me to handle it, but i know he got it. although, if he ever comes home with a non-football related bruise, some kid is getting his ass kicked lol.

i love you mikey!! keep on making me proud.

til next time. stay frosty

MY NEW BOO-status

Posted by ckashaan on June 17, 2012
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well i’ve done it. i’m hitched up again. i’ve been taken off, or rather i put myself off, the dating market and a really awesome guy now has me all to himself. i’m pretty damn lucky.

can’t lie. i had my apprehensions about choosing this direction, but i’m in it for the long haul, and i’m excited to see where this goes. and slowly, but surely, my feelings for mike are starting to dissipate. although on our first official date of the relationship there were too many damn references to him. major issues with that. like i don’t want to have to be reminded of mike when i’m with ken. bad enough they’re both muscular irish guys lol.

but i like ken alot. im at a point in my life right now where my boyfriend has to also be my close friend. he is that to me very well and it’s what i appreciate the most. we just gotta work on his jokes lol. i guess the only part that concerns me, which didn’t with my last “infatuation” lol, is that i don’t see my “end goal senario” with him in it yet. it’s only one concern, but it’s a pretty big one to me.

maybe my expectations are too high. maybe i just need to be patient. i mean, look how long i took to make this decision and he almost seriously messed up. i’ll be patient. i’m young. why is my mind so constantly that far ahead anyway. hmmm, kenneth did say maybe i need to think more short-term. ❤

lol this is also the first time i’ve used a smiley in the title.

til next time. stay frosty

MY ROOM IS A METAPHOR ALL OVER

Posted by ckashaan on June 11, 2012
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honestly i had a different topic planned, but i forgot what i wanted to say so im going to skip it and jump to this one. blame my laziness and not going on my computer.

so my xbox has decided not to play games for me anymore so i had a shitload of energy to burn and i figured i’d clean my room. and damn did i, begin to, clean my room. but i noticed a very key aspect of my secluded space. everywhere you can plainly see, is kept within a certain range of cleanliness, but where i couldn’t see was just left to whatever state it was in. like a kindof gritty, dusty, messy underbelly of my room’s society. and the worse it got the more i stayed away from there to avoid dealing with it.

and that’s exactly me.

the parts of me you see, the everyday personality, everything on the outside in plain view, is kept clean. like i have my own personal life janitor managing the upkeep so i’m pleasant to interact with lol(but i have my moments). but my past history, my true mindset and disdains..my metaphorical underbelly is left to whatever state it wants to be in and it is the definition of gritty. so i left it alone and let it stew on its own.

i got super thorough with my room because i wanted to get in there and clean since i had the energy. likewise, lately i’ve been going through my old posts from the beginning to look at my past mindset and really see what i was like. where i got this idea from. how that thought came to be. just simply how i grew up. i learned some really disturbing things about myself that i thought didnt exist, but when i read the words i typed i looked into myself to see if those aspects of my personality were still there…they were. maybe not in a major way like years ago, but still present. like for example when i first started playing handball it looks like i declared myself a total badass right out the gate lol. ridiculous ego. a few days ago i told my friend i don’t think he’d be able to beat me. i said that because i know how hard i practice and my experience, but still….kindof an unintentional ego there. i shouldnt have just declared myself better because he might end up kicking my ass lol.

but that’s just one example. my past, young, immature, childish mind was riddled with less than perfect traits. that sucks because as enlightened as i try to be now, your past self is always with you..and that means my past self will always be with me. so i might as well treat it as i am my room. bring it to the light. accept it’s there. clean what i need to clean. change what i need to change.

no that’s wrong. change what i want to change.

no one needs to change anything. i make my room to look how i want it because i spend my time here. i make myself how i want to be because i have to deal with me everyday. sure i don’t like everything about me, but it makes me who i am. i like who i am.

but i gotta get rid of that ego because now i know where my younger brother gets all his handball cockiness from. :cough cough: the one who taught him lol. im such an awesome teacher by the way. cause even though he’s a cocky little kid, i turned my lil bro into an unstoppable handball player.

im done. i have crap to worry about for the morning.

til next time. stay frosty

TEACHINGS IN LIFE

Posted by ckashaan on June 5, 2012
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Life has taught me many things. No that’s wrong. Life, in itself, can’t teach. Rather, my experiences in my life and my perceptions upon the conclusions of those experiences has helped mold my thinking into new or amended methods to help deal with future situations.

Wrap your mind around that.

For example don’t bet past what you don’t have because if you lose…that’s your ass lol. Or win a fight by intimidation before physical violence…diplomacy wins wars too. Or I make my family and keep them close because family and relatives are two different things…I can’t change my blood, but I can choose who I keep in my life.

I don’t know. I just felt like posting a few life observances I’ve been having lately. Think about it.

What has your life molded throughout you?

And also I picked up, it’s hard being an older sibling lol. I love you Anthony, Mikey, and Washy!!! ..although you guys are a pain sometimes.

Til next time. Stay frosty.

ANOTHER DAY

Posted by ckashaan on June 4, 2012
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:sigh: today I just feel like an emotional black hole. Just anyone I come in contact with will be sucked into my vortex of despair. It sucks.

Honestly id be a much more consistently happy person if I didn’t live with my mom. I can’t even be like nothing I do is ever good enough because I don’t give two shits about her opinion anymore, that issue is reserved for my dad, but she always finds something wrong. Its my friends, or my job, or what I do, how much I play, or when I go out, where I go out, who I know, who I help, or just that I didn’t see her when I woke this morning. She will find an argument like that’s her damn full time job. And I really don’t have a choice except to put up with it. Whereas I don’t have the ability to move out alone yet, im just waiting til my bestie is settled and then we out, I can move with other people. Geez even some of the parents at my job know my situation with my mom and offered to let me live with them.

And I swear the universe is testing my patience because sometimes I think she isn’t dying soon enough to have her insurance policy worth my mental agony.

I told her years ago, once I moved out I was never speaking to anyone on that side of my family again. I so meant it. Even at 13.

But as buddhism goes. Its all meant to be, so I might as well be a good little boy and deal. Well im trying to deal, but dammit I have limits. I keep getting closer and closer every time.

Til next time. Stay..just idk.