honestly i had a different topic planned, but i forgot what i wanted to say so im going to skip it and jump to this one. blame my laziness and not going on my computer.

so my xbox has decided not to play games for me anymore so i had a shitload of energy to burn and i figured i’d clean my room. and damn did i, begin to, clean my room. but i noticed a very key aspect of my secluded space. everywhere you can plainly see, is kept within a certain range of cleanliness, but where i couldn’t see was just left to whatever state it was in. like a kindof gritty, dusty, messy underbelly of my room’s society. and the worse it got the more i stayed away from there to avoid dealing with it.

and that’s exactly me.

the parts of me you see, the everyday personality, everything on the outside in plain view, is kept clean. like i have my own personal life janitor managing the upkeep so i’m pleasant to interact with lol(but i have my moments). but my past history, my true mindset and disdains..my metaphorical underbelly is left to whatever state it wants to be in and it is the definition of gritty. so i left it alone and let it stew on its own.

i got super thorough with my room because i wanted to get in there and clean since i had the energy. likewise, lately i’ve been going through my old posts from the beginning to look at my past mindset and really see what i was like. where i got this idea from. how that thought came to be. just simply how i grew up. i learned some really disturbing things about myself that i thought didnt exist, but when i read the words i typed i looked into myself to see if those aspects of my personality were still there…they were. maybe not in a major way like years ago, but still present. like for example when i first started playing handball it looks like i declared myself a total badass right out the gate lol. ridiculous ego. a few days ago i told my friend i don’t think he’d be able to beat me. i said that because i know how hard i practice and my experience, but still….kindof an unintentional ego there. i shouldnt have just declared myself better because he might end up kicking my ass lol.

but that’s just one example. my past, young, immature, childish mind was riddled with less than perfect traits. that sucks because as enlightened as i try to be now, your past self is always with you..and that means my past self will always be with me. so i might as well treat it as i am my room. bring it to the light. accept it’s there. clean what i need to clean. change what i need to change.

no that’s wrong. change what i want to change.

no one needs to change anything. i make my room to look how i want it because i spend my time here. i make myself how i want to be because i have to deal with me everyday. sure i don’t like everything about me, but it makes me who i am. i like who i am.

but i gotta get rid of that ego because now i know where my younger brother gets all his handball cockiness from. :cough cough: the one who taught him lol. im such an awesome teacher by the way. cause even though he’s a cocky little kid, i turned my lil bro into an unstoppable handball player.

im done. i have crap to worry about for the morning.

til next time. stay frosty