“Every moment in life is but a chance for you to learn a new lesson.”
I learned a new lesson today. Better yet, a new inside look at myself. After, what seemed to be, a 30 minute outward expression of an internal rant, I looked at myself like “holy shit. I thought I was passed this.” I am seriously unhumble. Not humbled? Lacking of humility?
I’m sorry. My vocabulary ability is deficient of the proper way to say the opposite of being humble.
First impressions. They set the foundation for a new relationship of any kind. Whether it be an acquaintance at work or a future significant other. It’s that first encounter that determines any further encounters or remove all possibility for them. But what if I said to you that first impressions didn’t really matter? What if I said you could never really understand someone from that quick interaction? What if I daringly say that it’s possible a first impression is so insignificant, that it can just be neglected in favor of some other arbitrary superficial attribute?
I pick how their shoes look matters most. Yep, I’m going with that.
I walked into work today to hear some upsetting news while in the middle of a assignment. The other temp worker that got hired with me was let go. Yesterday was the last day I’d ever see him. I didn’t even get to really say goodbye.
And it was my own damn fault. Continue Reading
Working in Queens for so long and living there brielfy, I’ve come to truely see that we from Brooklyn are of a different breed.
I had an interesting meeting with my boss. I thought it was going to be about the recent things that have been happening in my group of kids, but it turned to be about my static with a coworker of mine. Now I really dont like him. Like I can’t stand his guts, but I deal with him because my little brother decided to be in his volunteer program…love you anyway Anthony. We had an issue years ago that evolved into a personal one. Then some stuff with my brother a couple of months ago made me want to kick his ass…also love you again Anthony for stopping me. So there will always be tension between us, but I deal professionally. Plus I love how my boss got honest with me and was like I can’t beat him here because he has the personal relationship advantage. I got mad respect for that man.
But there’s that difference between me from the rest of these fools. I do indeed go hard for what I believe and won’t back down for it. Brooklynites, we either squash shit as if it never happened or we kicking ass…always definitively. Out here its “lets make an agreement and compromise.” I cant run with that.
Hence why I met with him after the meeting with my boss.
But this marks the beginning of the end for me at this job. Theres only so much I can take with them and I’m going crazy. Hopefully I get a higher paying job before the summer and don’t have to keep working there. …because Mikey and Anthony got me taking them on 2 seperate expensive ass trips so I cant just quit lol…
Just a couple more months of eating this shit then I get to walk away. Never look back. I need a new start somewhere.
Til next time. Stay frosty.
i wonder sumtimes where im gonna end up in life
. especially now that i found sumthin i wanna do, im not sure i can pull it off. well look at my life so far… i wanted to do business and i got a great job workin at chase. high paying and workkin with all high level executives. then i leave, partly cuz of skool, but also cuz it got boring
. next i wanted to do engineering. i get into a transfer program at skool. start takin mad adv classes cuz i wanted them out the way. then i start losing interest and hanging out more and started failing evrything
.
plus that dude was mad mean
.
then i hit my crossroads. wut do i truely want to do with my life? where do i c myself settling in the future?
then i started my afterschool extension at work. my firsthand workin experience workin in a school. wit the little kids and stuff. it was a total eye-opening thingy
. i always had teaching in the baq of my head, but that was just cuz i was a tutor for like evr and i figured worst comes to worst, i could pull this off.
keep in mind for this next part, i nvr tutored kids. i was strictly against it. lol…
then i got an offer to teach my lil bros in eng(a subject i have no experience in teaching at all. i kno it well though
). which was funny cuz i told him i was a math and science tutor, but now i entered into new territory on 2 lvls. but their age falls into the age i wanna teach anyway. preemptive teaching test sign perhaps?
so i went hard for it. determined not to mess this up.. total immersion into the work. and i come to find i luv it. take my luv of teaching, plus my luv of kids, plus my need to make a difference in sumthin and u get my profession
. albeit the least financial rewarding of evrythin else i tried lol
. plus one of my friends already started takin education classes b4 me told me about all the field u have to do for each class and i was like “omg much.”
but my desire didnt flinch. my mind didnt instantly switch to “lets pick sumthin else again” and it kept thinkin about my future in the classroom. after all this time, i finally get wut i wanna do and im happy about it. i can only hope that it doesnt change.
and if i end up like this old guy im seein in mcdonalds, imma just kill myself. sittin in that booth forever drunk and drugged up is not acceptable at al…
oh and if u cant figure it out, i wanna do elementary education. they r hella fun and u get room to b really creative and they give u the cutest gifts evr. i have evryone i evr got in my room lol. i luv my job.
til next time. stay frosty.
p.s. and if Rice doesnt start postin on the joint blog, imma kill him. i cant manage 2 blogs on my own…
hmm. i kinda hate always being right…or at least always gettin a feeling and then it being right(refer to a previous post).
actually i wasnt even gonna post this to tell u how right i was. but no matter wut i tried, i couldnt get wut i did on fri off my mind. and trust me ive tried alot.
but wut could b so bad…sumthin that eclipses any past actions…sumthin to so malicious…that it has rocked my conscience to its very core and made me feel as the lowest person on earth? well ill tell u…i lied to a kid.
oh were u expectin me to have killed sumbody? cuz i wouldnt really lose sleep over that. …as cold as that sounds.
but i think it was the subconcious motives of y i did it that bothers me the most. cuz this is a kid that looks up to me as like a perfect big brother and i look at him as my little brother. as a kid who ive defended to the other counselors at my own expense repeatedly. hes not blood related to me, yet i would still do anythin in my power to do wuts best for him. yet i lied cuz i didn want any wrong thoughts about my work motives, from sumone i didnt even like until this yr, that mightve got me in trouble with my boss. i wouldnt have even gotten fired for it, which makes my action even worse cuz i wasnt in any present situation that wouldve required such a course of response. instead of saying “yea i bought it” i said “nah. y?” and then when she asked again to confirm my story, i only confirmed my stance.
but those 2 words…
so fluent.
so seemingly natural.
with not even a complete sentence, i took all concern away from me and it went to him. it became “y r u lying and saying he’s buyin u stuff?” i was relieved to b out of the “hot seat” and not even concerned that he was in it. i guess it was cuz i knew that for him this wouldnt go past the 5sec convo us 3 were having now, but for me it wouldve been the convo, plus a highly likely discussion with my supervisor on my ethics, plus mayb the “u should look for a new place of employment” phrase.
and i couldnt leave my job.
i luv it too much. i can work when i want. i play games if i want. my bosses r awesome. and theres so little formality between evryone. wut job is that free? my desire to b lazy and comfortable overshadowed my desire to hold 1 of my 2 morals.
ahh there it is..the problem my conscience is having.
ive gotten into such a lazy rut. a need for this lazy rut. its makin me throw evrythin i care about out the window. im turnin into a person i really dont want to b.(this is the reason i moving baq home by the way) if there’s anythin i could say about myself, i could always say i held my morals uncompromisingly. but i guess my mom was right…im human and im gonna mess up sumtime(as much as i hate to admit it). but y did it have to happen with him? y did this innocent child, who was only still excited about wut he got 4 his birthday, have to b caught in the crosshairs of my humanistic imperfections? i dont even deserve to b forgiven by him. i really wouldnt blame him if he nvr spoke to me again
.
and i honestly wouldnt protest it cuz i kno i would deserve it.
but come monday i will have made my sincere effort to reconcile his faith in me. and i need to find sum way to get my faith baq in myself. as of right now i feel like a failure as a decent human being cuz at least in the end of the day i was ok with myself…this time, i wasnt.
til next time. stay a little frosty.
