hmm. i kinda hate always being right…or at least always gettin a feeling and then it being right
(refer to a previous post).
actually i wasnt even gonna post this to tell u how right i was. but no matter wut i tried, i couldnt get wut i did on fri off my mind
. and trust me ive tried alot
.
but wut could b so bad…sumthin that eclipses any past actions…sumthin to so malicious…that it has rocked my conscience to its very core and made me feel as the lowest person on earth
? well ill tell u…i lied to a kid.
oh were u expectin me to have killed sumbody? cuz i wouldnt really lose sleep over that. …as cold as that sounds
.
but i think it was the subconcious motives of y i did it that bothers me the most. cuz this is a kid that looks up to me as like a perfect big brother and i look at him as my little brother. as a kid who ive defended to the other counselors at my own expense repeatedly. hes not blood related to me, yet i would still do anythin in my power to do wuts best for him. yet i lied cuz i didn want any wrong thoughts about my work motives, from sumone i didnt even like until this yr, that mightve got me in trouble with my boss. i wouldnt have even gotten fired for it, which makes my action even worse cuz i wasnt in any present situation that wouldve required such a course of response. instead of saying “yea i bought it” i said “nah. y?” and then when she asked again to confirm my story, i only confirmed my stance.
but those 2 words…
so fluent.
so seemingly natural.
with not even a complete sentence, i took all concern away from me and it went to him. it became “y r u lying and saying he’s buyin u stuff?” i was relieved to b out of the “hot seat” and not even concerned that he was in it. i guess it was cuz i knew that for him this wouldnt go past the 5sec convo us 3 were having now, but for me it wouldve been the convo, plus a highly likely discussion with my supervisor on my ethics, plus mayb the “u should look for a new place of employment” phrase.
and i couldnt leave my job.
i luv it too much. i can work when i want. i play games if i want. my bosses r awesome. and theres so little formality between evryone. wut job is that free? my desire to b lazy and comfortable overshadowed my desire to hold 1 of my 2 morals.
ahh there it is..the problem my conscience is having
.
ive gotten into such a lazy rut. a need for this lazy rut. its makin me throw evrythin i care about out the window. im turnin into a person i really dont want to b.(this is the reason i moving baq home by the way) if there’s anythin i could say about myself, i could always say i held my morals uncompromisingly. but i guess my mom was right…im human and im gonna mess up sumtime(as much as i hate to admit it
). but y did it have to happen with him? y did this innocent child, who was only still excited about wut he got 4 his birthday, have to b caught in the crosshairs of my humanistic imperfections? i dont even deserve to b forgiven by him. i really wouldnt blame him if he nvr spoke to me again
.
and i honestly wouldnt protest it cuz i kno i would deserve it.
but come monday i will have made my sincere effort to reconcile his faith in me. and i need to find sum way to get my faith baq in myself
. as of right now i feel like a failure as a decent human being cuz at least in the end of the day i was ok with myself…this time, i wasnt
.
til next time. stay a little frosty
.