So on my way home me and george(2 of my bro’s bio dad) are talking about different types of campaigning stuff(he’s in the business field) and he happened to say that I seemed liked the kind of person who’s a good writer. Now I’m pretty sure only his wife has seen my posts on the joint blog so it was cool for him to say something like that.
Yes even though I keep this site and all its posts public and searchable, I keep it under wraps. How I get so much recurring traffic I will never understand since I don’t really promote it, but I am deeply grateful that you people take the time to visit and read in on my thoughts. Much luv ❤
So at that moment I thought I better be good at writing since I my brothers are some of the kids I teach English to lol or else that’d be a problem. It also brought to mind how long I have been doing writing and postings unguided and on my own. I think all these years of expressing my feelings have been a good practice for enhancing my literary abilities I guess.
But that’s just it, would I be able to be so adept at writing if it wasn’t for this major flaw/gift in my personality?
From when I started to now, the quality of the writing has definitely improved and matured of course, but it has come as a sub-consequence to an act that I do because I need to and because it’s not something I “want” to do. It’s incredibly difficult for me to come forward verbally with my feelings and opinions on personal things and writing it has been my release. Like visual words are the combination to my mental safe. It’s as if here, I’m telling it to myself. Takin the thoughts right from my head, putting in another form, then hitting submit before I have the chance to backdown and say “nevermind”.
In front of people it’s a whole different experience. It has to be rehearsed perfectly way in advance and even then, when I’m about to speak my peace, an almost detachment from myself occurs and I pull back before those words of no return are spoken from my mouth, “I need to talk to you about something.”
Those who know me, don’t really know this aspect of my deeper self. As with everything else I do to myself to be able to accommodate other people, I found a way to make this work to. Hence comes the double self. I’ve sectioned off 2 parts of myself. That which I can be publicly and that which I can be privately. The second part is held within my safe. This puts up the impression that I don’t have this lack of expression residing so deep down.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not disingenuous to anyone, but I keep a big part of my “personal” personality away. What “I” think, what “I” care about. All that is here and with the very few people I care to have given the combination to. If I didn’t have my writing, life would be so much harder. I’m a very loyal person, but I’m also very distrusting. Which would probably explain why it took me so long to come out to my best friend in the first place.
…junior high school was very hard…
It still feels like in the end it’s only me that I can fall back to. I know thats a highly cynical way to look at life, but understand my perspective. I don’t really have the luxury to enjoy those tight-knit families of most. I practically grew up on my own. I haven’t had a steady group of good friends. Bullied for 1 and a half years of jhs. Then because of my personal preference, I’m part of a widely discriminated against group. I think I have my reasons to not trust people and hold my ponderings inside.
Well there we go. I blog because I need to. Because I can’t speak what’s important to me. Because I don’t trust people. Because too many haven’t been there with me. I’m groomed by life to run alone. The few that I’m loyal to and the little ones I love, that’s what encompasses me. That’s what I surround myself with. That’s why I bond stronger to those who aren’t my blood over those who are.
It’s a life experience.
Til next time. Stay frosty.