Love is not something I hand out easily. It takes a whole lot to trust enough to be able to let my guard down and expose my soft interior. My love is a degree even further beyond that. So far away that “on the horizon” doesn’t apply here. Unreachable by any conceivable means, but when you hit it…it’s more the impact to myself that I have to brace myself for. Continue Reading
Hey, it’s Anthony, friendship could mean a lot of things and honestly friendship is having trust in that person or just a person who is there for you. I know you guys have a lot of friends that you like to hang out with and like to talk with but, the question is do you think they are your friend.
Sometimes you have rethink about them and think about the right and wrongs of what your going to do. To be honest, I’m going to be truthful with you guys, I don’t trust half of my friends just because the stupid things they do. Like’ They are always cutting school and asking me to go with them and I would say no because I have school and I would never cut any of my classes. But, I also feel that I’m letting them down at the same time. You never want to let down your friends or hurt there trust. A lot things go wrong, as you may know already. I mean everyone goes through problems with there friends all the time.
“..baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me. No more.”
Tell me that song isn’t a classic.
But what is love? What is this abstractly defined and experienced state of being that so many people claim and so many people deny? How does it coerce the most extreme and unpredictable actions out of a person? Why does it give us such life?
Why does it hurt so bad? Continue Reading
You know when they say “it’s the thrill of the chase”? I really hope that’s not the case for me. I like him so much, but my job and lack of free time is killing the relationship for me. One of my friends did tell me that if you like someone you make time for them, but I would if I did have any to spare..which I feel bad about. He really is awesome, but I wanna go back to being friends just so I don’t feel bad about all this.
I have my other reasons, but not now…
I don’t know. I feel like he doesn’t deserve this and I don’t want to be the one doing this. Especially with his newfound slightly overbearing optimism…makes me feel worse about this.
Then again, maybe we will outlast this, rekindle ourselves, and i’ll be in more positive spirits. Although, August still isn’t over yet so there’s a long period to outlast. I know I can cope without seeing eachother for a while…can he?
well i’ve done it. i’m hitched up again. i’ve been taken off, or rather i put myself off, the dating market and a really awesome guy now has me all to himself. i’m pretty damn lucky.
can’t lie. i had my apprehensions about choosing this direction, but i’m in it for the long haul, and i’m excited to see where this goes. and slowly, but surely, my feelings for mike are starting to dissipate. although on our first official date of the relationship there were too many damn references to him. major issues with that. like i don’t want to have to be reminded of mike when i’m with ken. bad enough they’re both muscular irish guys lol.
but i like ken alot. im at a point in my life right now where my boyfriend has to also be my close friend. he is that to me very well and it’s what i appreciate the most. we just gotta work on his jokes lol. i guess the only part that concerns me, which didn’t with my last “infatuation” lol, is that i don’t see my “end goal senario” with him in it yet. it’s only one concern, but it’s a pretty big one to me.
maybe my expectations are too high. maybe i just need to be patient. i mean, look how long i took to make this decision and he almost seriously messed up. i’ll be patient. i’m young. why is my mind so constantly that far ahead anyway. hmmm, kenneth did say maybe i need to think more short-term. ❤
lol this is also the first time i’ve used a smiley in the title.
til next time. stay frosty
wuddup my fellow xangans and visiting readers? hows life? hows friendship? hows love?
(and with this post you’ll see a format change. usually i use pure “aim” speak grammar rules when i make my post to be more informal, but i’m going to skip the abbreviations as much as possible. with not being in school, it kindof means i don’t really have an outside source of formal writing practice. although, i will still be keeping to all lowercase. i like the look)
i come to you today with a thought on my head. if you’ve followed my site for a while, you know that i’m highly emotionally invested in the “trio” i have in this world and the maintaining of it. it consists of me, my best friend, and his “it’s complicated”. we are the natural fit. like we became our tight family outside of our own family. we have our own activities, our own hangout spots, our own traditions…and it’s my time to add another person to it.
now don’t get me wrong, being the single one definitely becomes the pain in the ass sometimes(third wheel status), but it never feels like a left out thing. i’m just the “free” one. i got my options or at least that’s how i try to see it. plus it helps me have an outside view so i can aid in anyway i can to the relationship without my own partner biases. but i worry that the person i choose, who i’m like highly interested in(i use “interested in” only because we aren’t official yet), won’t fit in or will have a hard time assimilating. i’ve done some things in this group that have taken me way out of my element and it was hard. it’s like i don’t want him to feel pressured with having to play “catch up” or make them feel uneasy and want to tone down or change what we do just to help me out. i want to keep as much tension out of the trio as possible because we already have too much going on.
i asked them about this when we were having our ramen dinner thingy today and they, of course, were like it’d be ok, but i really did expect them to say that. i would’ve felt a little better if they said “we’re aren’t sure” or something like that. then it wouldn’t be just me feeling the anxiety and it’d be justified. and yeah i really like him….alot. he knows me, but not this me. he has the everyday watered down version of me i guess. as bad as that sounds, everyone gets it.
when you try to be everything for everybody as i have for so long, you just become a former shadow of yourself and you turn into just this blended mix of what you extend yourself as. although, i have my handful of people who get me, the unabridged version…
our worlds are really different. liek complete opposites. he’s not come from the sheltered spoiledness i come from. different ethics and traditions. different lifestyles. shit even different stages of our open sexuality. like lets be honest, im open about being gay, but i’m way more sutble than most. i think i do it mostly for my brothers though. they are not nearly at an age to understand it. he’s definitely out there, but not like flamboyant because my personality cant handle the extrovertedness. i mean that in a good way.
i’m just stuck you know? do i just say “hey. you, me, and my friends we going out” and ignore this stupid aching feeling like i’m in over my head. or do i listen as i usually do and just withdraw? maybe i feel this way because i don’t want to mess this up. i mean i REALLY REALLY REALLY like him. it has been a long time since i felt this way about someone.
til next time. stay frosty.
p.s. happy birthday to my best friend jonathan. had an awesome day out with you dude.