“..baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me. No more.”
Tell me that song isn’t a classic.
But what is love? What is this abstractly defined and experienced state of being that so many people claim and so many people deny? How does it coerce the most extreme and unpredictable actions out of a person? Why does it give us such life?
Why does it hurt so bad? Continue Reading
“If we can love someone so much, how will we be able to handle it one day when we are separated? And if being separated is a part of life, and you know about separation well, is it possible that we can love someone and never be afraid of losing them? Is it possible that we can live our entire life without loving at all?’ – Mew, The Love of Siam
Life has decided to remind me, in the form of a text Monday night, of the impermanence of those close to me. I live with a very tight circle of loved ones around me. I live in that circle because it is invulnerable to the outside world. I live in that circle because my obliviousness to its vulnerability makes me feel safe and have no worries about them.
But I was reminded that my forced denial can be instantly blown apart.
I’ll admit, I refrained from writing a new post for a couple of days because the post I had in my mind to write was a bit too personal. But that is the essence of just writing about what comes to your mind right? To be inspired at any moment by anything and put the pen to paper..or fingers to keyboard..or in this case, thumbs to phone screen and just let the words flow. I promise I don’t write for sympathy. I don’t even really do it for attention, although I love interacting with other bloggers. I do it because it’s my way to get my thoughts out when I don’t feel they can be conversations I can have with my usual crowd of friends.
Typing just feels like I’m telling myself.
Hitting publish feels like I’m having a conversation with someone who will understand me. Get my brand of humor. Someone that doesn’t mind taking a brain trip with me. Someone that can relate. I get to be uninhibited with my honesty.
It feels a little less alone.
So I saw this woman on the bus with her baby last night. She was looking so ragged. Not like dirty or anything, but like tired..exhausted..exasperated..energy depleted yet still pushing forward. And this was like 10pm so you know she had a long day. It led me thinking about my own mom and other moms and how tough it is being a single mom or devoting yourself to your kids.
..I went into a little mini rant on my twitter/facebook that I’m not going to repeat here. Way too long.
But the conclusion that it lead me to, I was reminded of on my way home this night from work. Im riding the train, late at night, by myself, crossing 3 boroughs. This is something my little brothers have yet to do, I’ve been traveling like this since I was in the 6th grade.
Can’t touch my independence level lol.
But had I had a different life. Had I not have been through 2 divorces(which I wrote a paper about and how it shaped my personality and ideals now). Had I had those “always there” parents. Had I not been on my own for as long as I can remember.
..Had I gotten more affectionate love.
I wouldn’t be this independant. I wouldn’t be this self-sufficient. I wouldn’t be this equipped to be on my own. As I always say, “I work best alone.” I definitely wouldn’t take care of my brothers in the way I do now. Because they are the kids with those “always there” parents. They got it pretty easy with not wanting for anything, but pretty hard when it comes to street smarts and growing up.
And I’m sure that’s where I come in.
I did it alone so I know what’s out there waiting and I teach them what to look out for and understanding certain things. But even past that, I tell them everytime I see them “I love you and I’m always here.” I didn’t always hear it when I was younger, but maybe it was better that way..for me anyway. I grew up without attachments. I grew up really understanding and appreciating that phrase that so many people take for granted. I grew up able to be comfortable with myself away from “the nest”. Maybe I’m an emotional cripple to some, but I’m extremely loving to that special few. If I wasn’t who I am, I wouldn’t have seen and experienced so much at such a young age.
I work best alone.
I know I’m a little off from where I started, but if you read my rant you’ll understand how I connected all this lol.
But I guess being alone helped me love others. Or rather appreciate the love of others. And I don’t cheaply throw my emotions around. Those I love, know it for certain. Those I love, have no doubt.
With those I love, I am that woman on the bus with her baby. I will utterly devote myself to you and when I have nothing left, I will push out some more. All because of my distant childhood.
Thank you to my parents, you don’t know truely how much that means to me now. What a power you’ve inadvertently laid upon me.
Til next time. Stay frosty.
So totally made plans to go to the movies yesterday..finally..and it turned into more than movies? I don’t know what happened. Somehow just hanging out turned into a damn date. Not that it was bad because it was a whole lot of fun. My cheeks still hurt from all the smiling I did.
Yes that’s exactly why my cheeks hurt. My throat is a whole different story. Lol Im such a dirty boy.
But I don’t know what im doing with this guy now. When I met him, he was a straight guy who was kinda curious. He turned out to be really cool , since he didn’t come off as another guy trying to get into my pants, and I figured he’d be a really cool friend. I wasn’t wrong at all. Then my perception of him changed into a bi guy who’s really freaking curious…and kinda dirty-minded lol…but still only friends. And the more I got to know him, shit I kinda liked him more than that. So I told myself not to even come close to thinking anything could happen. A way to steer away from heartbreak again I guess.
And then last night happened..
It threw me like hardcore wtf?!? We’re categorizing this as a date? I mean shit, we hung out and it actually turned into what could be considered a date? Now my mind is all kinds of confused. If I keep my current mindset while he decides to try “us”, this will fail, we’re probably gonna stop talking, and im gonna lose a really cool friend because my emotional defenses are really good and im refusing to let myself like him. Or I try this out with him, it’ll go good or bad, but there’s a smaller chance of us falling out.
I just wish I knew with certainty what exactly was going on or what’s on his mind.
Before last night I had a perfect handle on things. But I don’t want to talk about it with him yet. Maybe after the potential 2nd “date” i’ll force myself to confront this. For now, its still just fun. Fun with a major cutie lol. A super nice, funny, and major cutie.
Til next time. Stay frosty.
Boi Growing Up 