So I saw this woman on the bus with her baby last night. She was looking so ragged. Not like dirty or anything, but like tired..exhausted..exasperated..energy depleted yet still pushing forward. And this was like 10pm so you know she had a long day. It led me thinking about my own mom and other moms and how tough it is being a single mom or devoting yourself to your kids.
..I went into a little mini rant on my twitter/facebook that I’m not going to repeat here. Way too long.
But the conclusion that it lead me to, I was reminded of on my way home this night from work. Im riding the train, late at night, by myself, crossing 3 boroughs. This is something my little brothers have yet to do, I’ve been traveling like this since I was in the 6th grade.
Can’t touch my independence level lol.
But had I had a different life. Had I not have been through 2 divorces(which I wrote a paper about and how it shaped my personality and ideals now). Had I had those “always there” parents. Had I not been on my own for as long as I can remember.
..Had I gotten more affectionate love.
I wouldn’t be this independant. I wouldn’t be this self-sufficient. I wouldn’t be this equipped to be on my own. As I always say, “I work best alone.” I definitely wouldn’t take care of my brothers in the way I do now. Because they are the kids with those “always there” parents. They got it pretty easy with not wanting for anything, but pretty hard when it comes to street smarts and growing up.
And I’m sure that’s where I come in.
I did it alone so I know what’s out there waiting and I teach them what to look out for and understanding certain things. But even past that, I tell them everytime I see them “I love you and I’m always here.” I didn’t always hear it when I was younger, but maybe it was better that way..for me anyway. I grew up without attachments. I grew up really understanding and appreciating that phrase that so many people take for granted. I grew up able to be comfortable with myself away from “the nest”. Maybe I’m an emotional cripple to some, but I’m extremely loving to that special few. If I wasn’t who I am, I wouldn’t have seen and experienced so much at such a young age.
I work best alone.
I know I’m a little off from where I started, but if you read my rant you’ll understand how I connected all this lol.
But I guess being alone helped me love others. Or rather appreciate the love of others. And I don’t cheaply throw my emotions around. Those I love, know it for certain. Those I love, have no doubt.
With those I love, I am that woman on the bus with her baby. I will utterly devote myself to you and when I have nothing left, I will push out some more. All because of my distant childhood.
Thank you to my parents, you don’t know truely how much that means to me now. What a power you’ve inadvertently laid upon me.
Til next time. Stay frosty.