wuddup my fellow xangans and visiting readers? hows life? hows friendship? hows love?
(and with this post you’ll see a format change. usually i use pure “aim” speak grammar rules when i make my post to be more informal, but i’m going to skip the abbreviations as much as possible. with not being in school, it kindof means i don’t really have an outside source of formal writing practice. although, i will still be keeping to all lowercase. i like the look)
i come to you today with a thought on my head. if you’ve followed my site for a while, you know that i’m highly emotionally invested in the “trio” i have in this world and the maintaining of it. it consists of me, my best friend, and his “it’s complicated”. we are the natural fit. like we became our tight family outside of our own family. we have our own activities, our own hangout spots, our own traditions…and it’s my time to add another person to it.
now don’t get me wrong, being the single one definitely becomes the pain in the ass sometimes(third wheel status), but it never feels like a left out thing. i’m just the “free” one. i got my options or at least that’s how i try to see it. plus it helps me have an outside view so i can aid in anyway i can to the relationship without my own partner biases. but i worry that the person i choose, who i’m like highly interested in(i use “interested in” only because we aren’t official yet), won’t fit in or will have a hard time assimilating. i’ve done some things in this group that have taken me way out of my element and it was hard. it’s like i don’t want him to feel pressured with having to play “catch up” or make them feel uneasy and want to tone down or change what we do just to help me out. i want to keep as much tension out of the trio as possible because we already have too much going on.
i asked them about this when we were having our ramen dinner thingy today and they, of course, were like it’d be ok, but i really did expect them to say that. i would’ve felt a little better if they said “we’re aren’t sure” or something like that. then it wouldn’t be just me feeling the anxiety and it’d be justified. and yeah i really like him….alot. he knows me, but not this me. he has the everyday watered down version of me i guess. as bad as that sounds, everyone gets it.
when you try to be everything for everybody as i have for so long, you just become a former shadow of yourself and you turn into just this blended mix of what you extend yourself as. although, i have my handful of people who get me, the unabridged version…
our worlds are really different. liek complete opposites. he’s not come from the sheltered spoiledness i come from. different ethics and traditions. different lifestyles. shit even different stages of our open sexuality. like lets be honest, im open about being gay, but i’m way more sutble than most. i think i do it mostly for my brothers though. they are not nearly at an age to understand it. he’s definitely out there, but not like flamboyant because my personality cant handle the extrovertedness. i mean that in a good way.
i’m just stuck you know? do i just say “hey. you, me, and my friends we going out” and ignore this stupid aching feeling like i’m in over my head. or do i listen as i usually do and just withdraw? maybe i feel this way because i don’t want to mess this up. i mean i REALLY REALLY REALLY like him. it has been a long time since i felt this way about someone.
til next time. stay frosty.
p.s. happy birthday to my best friend jonathan. had an awesome day out with you dude.