lil bro

All posts tagged lil bro

UNDER MY BLANKET

Posted by ckashaan on January 15, 2013
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I cry for him, my little brother. On the inside though because you all know I can’t let that stuff out on a regular basis. I saw him today in a state which I’ve now seen him in too much since he got in high school. Maybe this is his time to be going through pure chaos, maybe there’s something underlying I’m missing, or maybe we’re just seeing how much power I have in the world.

I am his safety net. I’ve fixed the problems that blew up in his face. I’ve stopped the fights that were coming to him. I’ve even put my reputation out there and delved into my popularity to give him a “leg up” on the social ladder. Obviously I’m willing to do anything for him, but there is a downside to this I’m noticing. It’s not that I’m his problem fixer because I do teach him how to not make the same mistakes again and he’s learned, it just be different things every friggin time. I think the downside is an illusion is possibly forming of how far I can stretch to make him untouchable.

I’m glad he feels he can come to me no matter what it is and ask for help. I make sure all my brothers understand this, even if they are in trouble or did something wrong. But I think it’s also because they think that I’m the invincible older brother that can beat anything. I haven’t failed at any problem for them yet, but I feel as if I’m approaching my limits. As if I hit my limit long ago, but I keep getting lucky. The “brother who gets lucky” is not as capable as the “brother who is unstoppable”. I never want to fail him, but I have to push harder and harder to fight for him because it is always something bigger lol.

But even if I wanted to just let his shit fall and keep falling on him and not do anything while he collapses, which I would never do, I can’t because he’s my twin. Albeit 7 yrs younger than me, but born exactly on my birthday and you can’t deny the similarities between us…just in different stages. Which is probably why I can always fix his problems, I have an acquired advantage lol. You know how you hear twins speak of that “twin-telepathy/empathy” stuff? I didnt believe it until I got a twin bro. We’re not reading eachother’s minds full time lol, although we really do, but we allways feel what the other is feeling. And I can’t stand when he is depressed because I get depressed. When he’s mad, I get mad. But when he’s happy, I be in some unexplainable good mood lol..those times are few and far between lately though.

I don’t what to do. I felt his emotions through him way before he even came to work today, but I don’t know how to fix this. I’m not sure I can. I’m his big brother superman, but maybe kryptonite is being discovered in increasing quatities around me.

We need to take our birthday trip this year far away. Could use the vacation. I’m already saving lol.

Til next time. Stay frosty.

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CANT LET EM SEE YOU CRY

Posted by ckashaan on July 2, 2012
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So yesterday I had a cool day out wit my fam^2 taking a roadtrip to get philly cheesesteaks..from philly. Freaking awesome. They were greasy as I’ve never had before, but I loved those. Every other one i’ve hated.

But it was the drive back that had me a little emotional I guess.

We did this trip today because anthony likes cheesesteaks and he’s never had an authentic one before. Plus we got to chill together before our birthday since that weekend he’ll be at his birth_mom’s house and the day of our birthday i’ll be heavy working. But it was like everytime im here with them, we’re doing something “family” orientated. Everyone goes out of their way to do something, for someone else. My pure blood relatives, not so much. So I was thinking, “what if I had been born into this family instead of my own?” Id be more loving, id be happier more of the time, id actually like my parents lol..just to name some of the many things id like to change about my life.

But would I be me plus those new positives or would I be a whole different person?

And that’s what sortof snapped me back to realism. Yeah I really can’t stand most of my family, but look how my hardness gave me such a focus while i was younger. I’ve achieved so much because I wasn’t showered with that love and affection. I was on my own almost all the time and i liked it. Although now im at a point in my life where I have so many options I don’t know what to do so maybe it’s not all good lol.

Then a divorce which probably scarred me more than I like to admit. Then a really depressing breakup. I was a “fuck love and affection” kindof guy lol.

But then I got the most awesome stepfamily. It took some getting used to, but eventually my views changed a bit..then got hit with another family split. But by then, I didn’t wanna lose what I gained so I didn’t let go. And now I have this family and 3 little brothers which kinda forced me to open the electrified fence around my heart a little bit more. ..I always say they make me softer everyday lol.. And 2 more parents who take care of this mess of a big kid that’s just looking for a steady base to stand on.

Ahh that’s it.

I finally got a grasp on what it is that I’ve been gravitating towards. I want some kind of confirmation that its ok to have a deep relationship that’s not gonna burn and die and leave me scarred, having to build around it. Not just with a boyfriend, but with anyone. I’ve kept people far for a reason, I don’t want to come close to the risk of being hurt or losing a part of me.

But im learning how to accept love and give it. How to let those close to me know my emotions. How to add one more person to build my, hopefully future marriage, life with if he can accept my damage.

But one more obstacle. I have a new baby brother. I must learn to be able to give love freely and receive none until later. Like can I give a big part of myself on the off chance that i’ll maybe be accepted later in his life?

:sigh: im bad at risks.

Til next time. Stay frosty.

MY LITTLE..errr..BIG MIKEY

Posted by ckashaan on June 17, 2012
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so i went out to meet my oldest little brother at my middle little brother’s football practice so i could take him to play handball. he doesn’t like just sitting around waiting for it to end because he gets bored soooo easy lol. and i got there early so i figured i’d watch my brother practice a bit. I was trying to give him a a couple more weeks to get settled in before i started watching his practices so i could be all big bro-status and give him epic pointers on how to do better, but i saw something i didn’t expect to.

my lil bro made friends bigger than him. and they surrounded him like a perfect barrier against anything. most epic metaphor ever

of course i felt a little displaced like my lil bro who needed me to protect him from everything no longer needs me, but i was so happy for him. he’s really learning how to be on his own. adapt to the crowd around him. fit in and be comfortable. i no longer need to worry about him when he’s not around me because now i know he will be ok.

so i just leaned on the gate with the proudest big brother smile on my face watching him from across the field(if he knew i was there, i’d lose my element of “even though you don’t see me, i see everything you do.” lol). my mikey is finally growing up and he’s not doing too bad at it. although there are some times he catches that additude and i want to kick him in his throat….

but that’s 2 out of 4 little brothers headed in the right direction for their teenage years. my little washy is not too far behind, and my wayyy little samuel isn’t going to be a pain in my ass until im in my 30’s. …you have no idea how much i cringed that i’d be 30 lol…

but that’s all i ever wanted. yeah i’ll miss michael not coming to me that some bigger kids were messing with them and he wants me to handle it, but i know he got it. although, if he ever comes home with a non-football related bruise, some kid is getting his ass kicked lol.

i love you mikey!! keep on making me proud.

til next time. stay frosty

MY ROOM IS A METAPHOR ALL OVER

Posted by ckashaan on June 11, 2012
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honestly i had a different topic planned, but i forgot what i wanted to say so im going to skip it and jump to this one. blame my laziness and not going on my computer.

so my xbox has decided not to play games for me anymore so i had a shitload of energy to burn and i figured i’d clean my room. and damn did i, begin to, clean my room. but i noticed a very key aspect of my secluded space. everywhere you can plainly see, is kept within a certain range of cleanliness, but where i couldn’t see was just left to whatever state it was in. like a kindof gritty, dusty, messy underbelly of my room’s society. and the worse it got the more i stayed away from there to avoid dealing with it.

and that’s exactly me.

the parts of me you see, the everyday personality, everything on the outside in plain view, is kept clean. like i have my own personal life janitor managing the upkeep so i’m pleasant to interact with lol(but i have my moments). but my past history, my true mindset and disdains..my metaphorical underbelly is left to whatever state it wants to be in and it is the definition of gritty. so i left it alone and let it stew on its own.

i got super thorough with my room because i wanted to get in there and clean since i had the energy. likewise, lately i’ve been going through my old posts from the beginning to look at my past mindset and really see what i was like. where i got this idea from. how that thought came to be. just simply how i grew up. i learned some really disturbing things about myself that i thought didnt exist, but when i read the words i typed i looked into myself to see if those aspects of my personality were still there…they were. maybe not in a major way like years ago, but still present. like for example when i first started playing handball it looks like i declared myself a total badass right out the gate lol. ridiculous ego. a few days ago i told my friend i don’t think he’d be able to beat me. i said that because i know how hard i practice and my experience, but still….kindof an unintentional ego there. i shouldnt have just declared myself better because he might end up kicking my ass lol.

but that’s just one example. my past, young, immature, childish mind was riddled with less than perfect traits. that sucks because as enlightened as i try to be now, your past self is always with you..and that means my past self will always be with me. so i might as well treat it as i am my room. bring it to the light. accept it’s there. clean what i need to clean. change what i need to change.

no that’s wrong. change what i want to change.

no one needs to change anything. i make my room to look how i want it because i spend my time here. i make myself how i want to be because i have to deal with me everyday. sure i don’t like everything about me, but it makes me who i am. i like who i am.

but i gotta get rid of that ego because now i know where my younger brother gets all his handball cockiness from. :cough cough: the one who taught him lol. im such an awesome teacher by the way. cause even though he’s a cocky little kid, i turned my lil bro into an unstoppable handball player.

im done. i have crap to worry about for the morning.

til next time. stay frosty

NOTHING TO DO…WRITE DOWN SOME THOUGHTS

Posted by ckashaan on May 26, 2012
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—-totally written a a couple of days ago. it just took me a couple of days to upload.

It’s my late night working at the building and both the security is out. In their place, I’m sitting at this table bored out my mind. So I’m writing down my next post on a sheet of computer paper…trying to stay awake lol.

And for therecord I bought my brother ice-cream today from the ice-cream truck. The brother that doesn’t exist. Damn straight I’m still the best brother ever and he better remember it.

But for the reason of this post. I got some interesting news today at work. So it seems I’m being picked up to be employed by The AfterSchool Corporation(TASC) this summer. 4 checks of $810.00 every 2 weeks plus a $1200.00 educational grant at the end. I was majorly stoked. So of course I ask what the catch is. Nothing too big. I have a 2-day training, but I kep the same duties I have at my job now.

Holy shit..major raise.

So I guess I should be thankful. I am, but once again there’s one more thing to drive me into confusion. I planned for this to be my last summer because I can’t afford to keep this job anymore, then this happens. I don’t know if I shouldd leave yet. I’m trying to not let money dictate my employment, but unfortunately it is. I’m an adult. I have adult bills. I have little ones who look to me for fun stuff. …and fun stuff be expensive lol.

That money needs to be on a fast track inward lol

Hopefully this falls through and works out. I really wish I had someone to celebrate this with. It’s at times like these that being single is pretty lonely.

Til next time. Stay frosty

I GUESS I AM THAT KINDOF BROTHER

Posted by ckashaan on May 21, 2012
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So in the previous post I was all like i’ll never walk away from my brother and now I have. Or rather im trying my damnedest to. It sucks because it’s hurting me this much and I know he’s upset too, but what am I supposed to do?

Besides..its not like i’ll never see him. Two of my other brothers live with him. I just have to get really good at making my mind erase him.

You gotta understand, i’m not the kindof person that let’s people in very often on a deeply personal level. …lol all of my veteran readers know this… In fact, i’m very much against it. I don’t trust easily because my emotional core being is probably my biggest weakness and I don’t like being vulnerable. Its easy for me to make friends, but im very picky because I believe in all or nothing.

But my vulnerability with those who are my family is a whole different level.

Its like a piece of me is gone. A major component that helps make me has been ripped off never to return gain. Well that’s how I look at it. I love my bro so much that if he really feels I’m that bad of a person, I will walk away. But to have him around so much is so painful because I have the memories. So I must make as if he doesn’t exist.

I even left the chain he gave me on his dresser last night.

It was all just a dream. It never happened. I never met him. I will go to work and his name will just be another random kid in the program.But now I have to decide whether I change my tattoo or not. Because when I was going to get my 2nd one, in 12days lol, I was going to have all my little brothers’ initials added on my side. Do I omit him or do I just make that the last action I take as his older brother?

Just for the record, he was always the one that stressed me out the most. That’s how insanely much I love him.

Til next time. Stay frosty.

p.s. hi kenneth. U tweeted me as I was doing this part lol.