So yesterday I had a cool day out wit my fam^2 taking a roadtrip to get philly cheesesteaks..from philly. Freaking awesome. They were greasy as I’ve never had before, but I loved those. Every other one i’ve hated.

But it was the drive back that had me a little emotional I guess.

We did this trip today because anthony likes cheesesteaks and he’s never had an authentic one before. Plus we got to chill together before our birthday since that weekend he’ll be at his birth_mom’s house and the day of our birthday i’ll be heavy working. But it was like everytime im here with them, we’re doing something “family” orientated. Everyone goes out of their way to do something, for someone else. My pure blood relatives, not so much. So I was thinking, “what if I had been born into this family instead of my own?” Id be more loving, id be happier more of the time, id actually like my parents lol..just to name some of the many things id like to change about my life.

But would I be me plus those new positives or would I be a whole different person?

And that’s what sortof snapped me back to realism. Yeah I really can’t stand most of my family, but look how my hardness gave me such a focus while i was younger. I’ve achieved so much because I wasn’t showered with that love and affection. I was on my own almost all the time and i liked it. Although now im at a point in my life where I have so many options I don’t know what to do so maybe it’s not all good lol.

Then a divorce which probably scarred me more than I like to admit. Then a really depressing breakup. I was a “fuck love and affection” kindof guy lol.

But then I got the most awesome stepfamily. It took some getting used to, but eventually my views changed a bit..then got hit with another family split. But by then, I didn’t wanna lose what I gained so I didn’t let go. And now I have this family and 3 little brothers which kinda forced me to open the electrified fence around my heart a little bit more. ..I always say they make me softer everyday lol.. And 2 more parents who take care of this mess of a big kid that’s just looking for a steady base to stand on.

Ahh that’s it.

I finally got a grasp on what it is that I’ve been gravitating towards. I want some kind of confirmation that its ok to have a deep relationship that’s not gonna burn and die and leave me scarred, having to build around it. Not just with a boyfriend, but with anyone. I’ve kept people far for a reason, I don’t want to come close to the risk of being hurt or losing a part of me.

But im learning how to accept love and give it. How to let those close to me know my emotions. How to add one more person to build my, hopefully future marriage, life with if he can accept my damage.

But one more obstacle. I have a new baby brother. I must learn to be able to give love freely and receive none until later. Like can I give a big part of myself on the off chance that i’ll maybe be accepted later in his life?

:sigh: im bad at risks.

Til next time. Stay frosty.