choices

All posts tagged choices

NOTHING TO DO…WRITE DOWN SOME THOUGHTS

Posted by ckashaan on May 26, 2012
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—-totally written a a couple of days ago. it just took me a couple of days to upload.

It’s my late night working at the building and both the security is out. In their place, I’m sitting at this table bored out my mind. So I’m writing down my next post on a sheet of computer paper…trying to stay awake lol.

And for therecord I bought my brother ice-cream today from the ice-cream truck. The brother that doesn’t exist. Damn straight I’m still the best brother ever and he better remember it.

But for the reason of this post. I got some interesting news today at work. So it seems I’m being picked up to be employed by The AfterSchool Corporation(TASC) this summer. 4 checks of $810.00 every 2 weeks plus a $1200.00 educational grant at the end. I was majorly stoked. So of course I ask what the catch is. Nothing too big. I have a 2-day training, but I kep the same duties I have at my job now.

Holy shit..major raise.

So I guess I should be thankful. I am, but once again there’s one more thing to drive me into confusion. I planned for this to be my last summer because I can’t afford to keep this job anymore, then this happens. I don’t know if I shouldd leave yet. I’m trying to not let money dictate my employment, but unfortunately it is. I’m an adult. I have adult bills. I have little ones who look to me for fun stuff. …and fun stuff be expensive lol.

That money needs to be on a fast track inward lol

Hopefully this falls through and works out. I really wish I had someone to celebrate this with. It’s at times like these that being single is pretty lonely.

Til next time. Stay frosty

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I GUESS I AM THAT KINDOF BROTHER

Posted by ckashaan on May 21, 2012
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So in the previous post I was all like i’ll never walk away from my brother and now I have. Or rather im trying my damnedest to. It sucks because it’s hurting me this much and I know he’s upset too, but what am I supposed to do?

Besides..its not like i’ll never see him. Two of my other brothers live with him. I just have to get really good at making my mind erase him.

You gotta understand, i’m not the kindof person that let’s people in very often on a deeply personal level. …lol all of my veteran readers know this… In fact, i’m very much against it. I don’t trust easily because my emotional core being is probably my biggest weakness and I don’t like being vulnerable. Its easy for me to make friends, but im very picky because I believe in all or nothing.

But my vulnerability with those who are my family is a whole different level.

Its like a piece of me is gone. A major component that helps make me has been ripped off never to return gain. Well that’s how I look at it. I love my bro so much that if he really feels I’m that bad of a person, I will walk away. But to have him around so much is so painful because I have the memories. So I must make as if he doesn’t exist.

I even left the chain he gave me on his dresser last night.

It was all just a dream. It never happened. I never met him. I will go to work and his name will just be another random kid in the program.But now I have to decide whether I change my tattoo or not. Because when I was going to get my 2nd one, in 12days lol, I was going to have all my little brothers’ initials added on my side. Do I omit him or do I just make that the last action I take as his older brother?

Just for the record, he was always the one that stressed me out the most. That’s how insanely much I love him.

Til next time. Stay frosty.

p.s. hi kenneth. U tweeted me as I was doing this part lol.

CHOICES

Posted by ckashaan on March 5, 2009
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is this all life is? is that all friendship is? a series of choices and ur friends so long as u both make the same ones together. then is it over at the first fork? the first split decision? and is the value of the friendship measured by how many concurrent choices you’ve made together?

is this all u valued our friendship to b? all this time were u really only measuring u and our relationship to me and his? who knew eachother longer…decided together longer. and r u really willing to walk away from our brief but concentrated discovery and interaction with eachother?….just because i knew him longer? it’s said “a gay friend is a grl’s best accessory”(taken right off the tyra banks show) but a best grl is also a gay’s best companion(that’s mine. a derivative of the original phrase.  …and yes jon i kno, ill get to u another time but this is a little more pressing). like omg, u were my best grl.

and mayb im being stupid and naive, but i damn sure measured our friendship beyond time, if i had to say how i would measure it. how close we got, how natural we were with eachother. shit, i even told u my biggest secret b4 i told jason cuz i considered u so close to me. to even give me a lame reason like that i guess kindof annoys me if not hurts me. time. just time. nothing else…only time.

u once told me that u couldnt b upset with me for more than a couple of min. i hope thats tru in this case too.

til next time. stay frosty

 

i promise next post will b the one i meant it to b. “MY BIGGEST FEAR”