Boi Growing Up

I walked into work today to hear some upsetting news while in the middle of a assignment. The other temp worker that got hired with me was let go. Yesterday was the last day I’d ever see him.  I didn’t even get to really say goodbye.

And it was my own damn fault.

I have a major flaw in my personality. My gift is my ability to learn quickly and the need to learn everything. My flaw is that I exceed at whatever it is I learn. ..thank you high i.q. So in this job, one that I have never done before, I learned, I learned so much of the systems and machines and procedures, I learned it all fast. I learned it all faster than him. A lot faster. I was extra motivated by not wanting to be considered “not as good” as the other temp and I especially had more to prove because I have no experience in this field.

I wanted to show I can be better. I didn’t want to show he was worse.

That’s kindof an accidental consequence though. The way my supervisor explained it, they picked me because I got around more and did more things. I was so good the higher level bossed decided there was no need for a 3rd temp. I progressed as much as possible to avoid being the one cast off if it came to a situation like that, but still I didn’t want him to go. It’s not like we were true friends yet, we barely knew eachother, but there was a sense of comraderie between us. We compared our methods and shared a locker. Newbies in a crew of permanent workers, all experienced, older, and intimidating.

I now face them alone.

And I knew the fragility of my position. I had no misconceptions about the possibility of being terminated when the time came that I wasn’t necessary anymore, but to have someone next to you canned…it opens your eyes and smacks you in the face. I don’t want to end my work day to get told “not to come in tomorrow”. I wanted to hold on to this spot until police academy starts and my new career begins. Maybe that plan is only too fickle.

I survived the gauntlet, but I didn’t want to end up alone. I’m terrified that I proved my worth too much compared to my ex-counterpart and now what is going to be expected of me is what I can’t do. I come out the gate producing at 110%. I don’t go to 120%. I give my best all day.

Soon I’ll have to improve on that and I will fail.

But then I’ve never failed at anything. I just took all the pressure and imploded. Becoming a shell performing at peak level..losing my mind to become more efficient. I have a bad history of not knowing when to give up. “Ends justify the means.” “Win at all costs.” “Almost doesn’t count.” “Give until you have nothing left.”

These ideals are why I always win. I always win. One way or another. I never see can forsee the potential aftermath until I have to deal with it. It’s not always good. Sometimes being a sore winner is what I am.

But still to lose is worse.

Til next time. Stay frosty. …or since it’s friggin cold in NYC, snuggle under a blanket.