hmm. i kinda hate always being right…or at least always gettin a feeling and then it being right(refer to a previous post).
actually i wasnt even gonna post this to tell u how right i was. but no matter wut i tried, i couldnt get wut i did on fri off my mind. and trust me ive tried alot.
but wut could b so bad…sumthin that eclipses any past actions…sumthin to so malicious…that it has rocked my conscience to its very core and made me feel as the lowest person on earth? well ill tell u…i lied to a kid.
oh were u expectin me to have killed sumbody? cuz i wouldnt really lose sleep over that. …as cold as that sounds.
but i think it was the subconcious motives of y i did it that bothers me the most. cuz this is a kid that looks up to me as like a perfect big brother and i look at him as my little brother. as a kid who ive defended to the other counselors at my own expense repeatedly. hes not blood related to me, yet i would still do anythin in my power to do wuts best for him. yet i lied cuz i didn want any wrong thoughts about my work motives, from sumone i didnt even like until this yr, that mightve got me in trouble with my boss. i wouldnt have even gotten fired for it, which makes my action even worse cuz i wasnt in any present situation that wouldve required such a course of response. instead of saying “yea i bought it” i said “nah. y?” and then when she asked again to confirm my story, i only confirmed my stance.
but those 2 words…
so seemingly natural.
with not even a complete sentence, i took all concern away from me and it went to him. it became “y r u lying and saying he’s buyin u stuff?” i was relieved to b out of the “hot seat” and not even concerned that he was in it. i guess it was cuz i knew that for him this wouldnt go past the 5sec convo us 3 were having now, but for me it wouldve been the convo, plus a highly likely discussion with my supervisor on my ethics, plus mayb the “u should look for a new place of employment” phrase.
and i couldnt leave my job.
i luv it too much. i can work when i want. i play games if i want. my bosses r awesome. and theres so little formality between evryone. wut job is that free? my desire to b lazy and comfortable overshadowed my desire to hold 1 of my 2 morals.
ahh there it is..the problem my conscience is having.
ive gotten into such a lazy rut. a need for this lazy rut. its makin me throw evrythin i care about out the window. im turnin into a person i really dont want to b.(this is the reason i moving baq home by the way) if there’s anythin i could say about myself, i could always say i held my morals uncompromisingly. but i guess my mom was right…im human and im gonna mess up sumtime(as much as i hate to admit it). but y did it have to happen with him? y did this innocent child, who was only still excited about wut he got 4 his birthday, have to b caught in the crosshairs of my humanistic imperfections? i dont even deserve to b forgiven by him. i really wouldnt blame him if he nvr spoke to me again.
and i honestly wouldnt protest it cuz i kno i would deserve it.
but come monday i will have made my sincere effort to reconcile his faith in me. and i need to find sum way to get my faith baq in myself. as of right now i feel like a failure as a decent human being cuz at least in the end of the day i was ok with myself…this time, i wasnt.
til next time. stay a little frosty.