:sigh: today I just feel like an emotional black hole. Just anyone I come in contact with will be sucked into my vortex of despair. It sucks.
Honestly id be a much more consistently happy person if I didn’t live with my mom. I can’t even be like nothing I do is ever good enough because I don’t give two shits about her opinion anymore, that issue is reserved for my dad, but she always finds something wrong. Its my friends, or my job, or what I do, how much I play, or when I go out, where I go out, who I know, who I help, or just that I didn’t see her when I woke this morning. She will find an argument like that’s her damn full time job. And I really don’t have a choice except to put up with it. Whereas I don’t have the ability to move out alone yet, im just waiting til my bestie is settled and then we out, I can move with other people. Geez even some of the parents at my job know my situation with my mom and offered to let me live with them.
And I swear the universe is testing my patience because sometimes I think she isn’t dying soon enough to have her insurance policy worth my mental agony.
I told her years ago, once I moved out I was never speaking to anyone on that side of my family again. I so meant it. Even at 13.
But as buddhism goes. Its all meant to be, so I might as well be a good little boy and deal. Well im trying to deal, but dammit I have limits. I keep getting closer and closer every time.
Til next time. Stay..just idk.
ok i kno ur first impression of the title. no, this isn’t a suicidal post. but its more one of exhaustion and realization. so im sitting here in my skool library observatory room thingy lol (in case u dont kno, i go to Brooklyn College) and im just surfin the web on my laptop and listenin to Ruri No Ame by Alice Nine. since i got like 6hrs til my next class. i took a look out the window and the view just captivated me. its like i cant help but stare for awhile and soak in the scenery. sure ive always appreciated this campus, but these past couple of days im beginning to really slow down and enjoy it. and yesterday with the fresh white blanket of snow on the trees and grass that glowed under the lampposts’ light, it was so tranquil. i soo love going here.
but anyway, my point is that this recent noticement of my surroundings has made me look a little deeper at my life right now. and with all the things that have happened these past couple of months since skool started has just made me too tired of trying to live. im exhausted from adventure. exhausted of change. exhausted of problems. exhausted of uncertainties. just exhausted of active life. no i still dont want to die, stop mis-interpreting. i just wanna stop for a while. detach myself from evrything and evryone. well, mayb not evryone. there r those ppl i couldnt live without. but ive been runnin around so much and working with skool and worryin about my relationships with my friends and worryin about my campers(who still keep in touch with me lol. cant wait to go baq to work this summer.) and dealing with my parents and having to keep putting off my wants and desires to make sure evryone close to me is ok and fine(stupid codependence. c adaiah? i payed attention in class too)
when do i get to stop and be alone. when do i get to b selfish. when do i get to stop working so hard and notice the little things; fresh cut grass, powder white snow, a beautiful moon on a serene night(that was for u jason). when is it my turn to recieve instead of give(but i do prefer to give. its just my nature).
it just feels like im runnin through this life blindly. i dont have the time to stop and look at the little things. no time to truely have fun. no time to just walk and have a convo with a friend about something stupid and random like pokemon(which was actually fun in gamestop.). its like the “work hard now and relax later” principle. but y cant there b a balance? and if there truely is a balance, wut is preventing me from finding it? my mind just needs a break from the treadmill. a break from the hustle. a break from the stresses. and i just want, no i need a peace in my life that i have been thus far deprived of.
tl next time. stay frosty