A SIMPLE MIND CHANGE

Posted by ckashaan on May 30, 2012
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Im trying. Im trying so hard to change. I don’t want to be going around randomly hooking up with other people. Im trying so damn hard to settle down because its what I want and yet shit is going terribly.

I’ve been chilling with a bi guy for a really long time that I started to really like and yet I’ve have a crush that agreed to go on a date with me. I can’t pick. In a perfect world I’d date them both, but alas I must pick.

Im the kind of person that takes commitments very seriously. It has to be long term minded for me to even consider it. I’ve only been in 3 relationships, with the exception of one, all lasted longer than a year. Especially since im older now. I want someone I can just call my own. That one to confide in, to come home to in the future. Support me while I run at my career. In maybe 5 or 6 years adopting a kid or two. It takes too much energy not letting yourself fall for someone. Not letting them in. Just telling yourself “its just sex”.

And besides its a really bad example for my little brothers.

I just need to find someone on my level of seriousness. And while I like both of these guys alot, they could be either way for me. Long term or temporary. Only because I’ve known one for so long I know his intentions and the other its too soon to tell but has the criteria.

And they’re both hella cute lol.

:sigh: I don’t know what im going to do with myself. Im such a hot mess right now. Well a cute hot mess since I’ve done all my grooming lol.

This is just one more thing to drive me crazy.

Til next time. Stay frosty.

A FAMILY AFFAIR

Posted by ckashaan on May 29, 2012
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So I had a funeral to attend yesterday for a person I didn’t really know, but it was family so my mom made me. I went and there were so many people there.

And so many I recognized…

Especially when we first got there and i sat next to my mom and recognized this old guy I just called “R” lol..I didn’t know his actually name since I was a kid, but he taught me alot when I was younger. How to b a master of chess, respect, and to defend myself to name a few. And I realized, while im correct in saying that I grew up alone and independent because my mom was always working, when I was a little kid these were the people looking after me and raising me.

When I was wayy wayyyyyyy younger lol. I really did mature and crap alone.

But I can’t attribute my.growing up just to myself, can I? Nope. I had help. I had these older people looking out for me and raising me while my mom wasn’t there. I got so many “oh my god. Is that cory?”, “look how big cory got” , and “i remember when he was this little.” Lol. They gave me a good jump start in life, albeit a rough one.

And thats not my opinion. One of the older guys said to me that its nice i grew up good because i had such a rough start. I didn’t think it was so bad, I just figured there were those who had it much worse than me.

But I remember every car i’ve driven, every steering wheel i’ve turned. Every package i’ve seen, every pair of briefs i’ve touched. Why can’t I remember this part of my life?

Because i’ve tried so hard to not be like my family. But they will always be a part of me. I wouldn’t be “me” without them. So I think from now on, im going to try and remember that part of my life. I, at the very least, owe that to those who put so much effort into me.

Til next time. Stay frosty.

BFFs…

Posted by ckashaan on May 27, 2012
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Ahh, another fine hangout session at my best friend’s house. Of course I leave sooo much fatter, thanks to his dad lol, and with a new reassurance of our future together. It’s very interesting that me and him have the most vivid picture of what our lives are going to be like once we are both out of our own shit. ..and when I say vivid, I mean pretty damn crystal friggin ball vivid lol… But honestly, that future that we’re both working towards has pulled us out of stuff when we felt like there just wasn’t a reason to fight anymore. That “tag-team” is what makes us best friends. No no no. We’re more than that, we’re bffs.

Oh there’s a big difference.

Everyone has friends. Then everyone has best friends. Then everyone has their family. ..some people dispute that order of importance lol.. Then some people, not everyone, has a bff. If you’re one of those lucky individuals to have a bff, you’ll know. A bff relationship is cultured, cultivated, molded, and worked on. Time is irrelevant. I’ve known alot of people longer than I’ve known jonathan, but I still would give all I have only for him.

Well maybe my brothers too, but ehh..not the same lol.

A bff transcends the natural order of things. Like a super bond. Past all personal boundaries until they’ve integrated into every aspect of your life. Until you find yourself consulting them on every choice you make, hoping for their approval. Like I can’t lie, I think he’s a big reason I’m still single because he hasn’t liked anybody I’ve dated lol. I’m just thankful everyday that i have someone I can turn to no matter what. Can’t wait until we have our own apartment together. We already have settled who’s cooking, cleaning, decorating, laundry, which of our furniture is going in it, etc. Sometimes I wonder where I’d be without him. And like-wise I wonder where he’d be without me.

Still baffles me how he loves the new Nissan GTR and my favorite skyline will always be the Nissan Skyline R33. In fact, I would love a model of one of those. Just a glimpse at how different we are.

Well i guess this isn’t as super in-depth beyond just me expressing my gratefulness for this special person I have in my life. You could take away almost everything I’ve ever worked for and as long as I still have him, I’d be happy.

Til next time. Stay frosty.

NOTHING TO DO…WRITE DOWN SOME THOUGHTS

Posted by ckashaan on May 26, 2012
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—-totally written a a couple of days ago. it just took me a couple of days to upload.

It’s my late night working at the building and both the security is out. In their place, I’m sitting at this table bored out my mind. So I’m writing down my next post on a sheet of computer paper…trying to stay awake lol.

And for therecord I bought my brother ice-cream today from the ice-cream truck. The brother that doesn’t exist. Damn straight I’m still the best brother ever and he better remember it.

But for the reason of this post. I got some interesting news today at work. So it seems I’m being picked up to be employed by The AfterSchool Corporation(TASC) this summer. 4 checks of $810.00 every 2 weeks plus a $1200.00 educational grant at the end. I was majorly stoked. So of course I ask what the catch is. Nothing too big. I have a 2-day training, but I kep the same duties I have at my job now.

Holy shit..major raise.

So I guess I should be thankful. I am, but once again there’s one more thing to drive me into confusion. I planned for this to be my last summer because I can’t afford to keep this job anymore, then this happens. I don’t know if I shouldd leave yet. I’m trying to not let money dictate my employment, but unfortunately it is. I’m an adult. I have adult bills. I have little ones who look to me for fun stuff. …and fun stuff be expensive lol.

That money needs to be on a fast track inward lol

Hopefully this falls through and works out. I really wish I had someone to celebrate this with. It’s at times like these that being single is pretty lonely.

Til next time. Stay frosty

A LITTLE DIRECTION PLEASE…

Posted by ckashaan on May 23, 2012
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So totally made plans to go to the movies yesterday..finally..and it turned into more than movies? I don’t know what happened. Somehow just hanging out turned into a damn date. Not that it was bad because it was a whole lot of fun. My cheeks still hurt from all the smiling I did.

Yes that’s exactly why my cheeks hurt. My throat is a whole different story. Lol Im such a dirty boy.

But I don’t know what im doing with this guy now. When I met him, he was a straight guy who was kinda curious. He turned out to be really cool , since he didn’t come off as another guy trying to get into my pants, and I figured he’d be a really cool friend. I wasn’t wrong at all. Then my perception of him changed into a bi guy who’s really freaking curious…and kinda dirty-minded lol…but still only friends. And the more I got to know him, shit I kinda liked him more than that. So I told myself not to even come close to thinking anything could happen. A way to steer away from heartbreak again I guess.

And then last night happened..

It threw me like hardcore wtf?!? We’re categorizing this as a date? I mean shit, we hung out and it actually turned into what could be considered a date? Now my mind is all kinds of confused. If I keep my current mindset while he decides to try “us”, this will fail, we’re probably gonna stop talking, and im gonna lose a really cool friend because my emotional defenses are really good and im refusing to let myself like him. Or I try this out with him, it’ll go good or bad, but there’s a smaller chance of us falling out.

I just wish I knew with certainty what exactly was going on or what’s on his mind.

Before last night I had a perfect handle on things. But I don’t want to talk about it with him yet. Maybe after the potential 2nd “date” i’ll force myself to confront this. For now, its still just fun. Fun with a major cutie lol. A super nice, funny, and major cutie.

Til next time. Stay frosty.

CHEETOS

Posted by ckashaan on May 22, 2012
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So 3 posts in a week. Not too bad if I dare say so myself. Well let’s hop into this one.

As I’m having this really cute guy over. Like ridiculously cute. Like the fact that he’s that cute and super nice, but I can’t have him as a boyfriend because he’s not gay sucks so much(hi kenneth!). It’s the “jonathan dilemma” all over again. But not as bad..

So as I was saying….

I am the epitome of leading a double life. Matter of fact, probably a triple life. I have what my brothers think my outside life is and what I portray to them. Then I have my actual life that only a handful of people see. Then I have…..well I guess it is just a double life lol. Oh wait no. I also have the image I have to portray to everyone else not privy enough to penetrate my inner circle. I guess my issue is that it’s hard to keep everything so compartmentalized. Different sections of my life in different places.

Only those in the circle get a view of everything and i don’t know how they don’t get disgusted with me. Like, excuse my graphic-ness, I just had a …really cute… guy’s “little friend” in my mouth and 2hrs later im going to walk into my building and say hi to my little brothers as if that part of me doesn’t exist. That’s not being a hypocrite right? I mean its not like I never said I didn’t do it. Nor did I say I don’t like it.

That brings up another question of when I come out to them, but that’s wayyyyyy farther in the future lol.

Sometimes I wish I had a life where all my worlds knew about each other. Where I didn’t have to switch mentalities…almost bordering upon switching personalities. Its alot of work, but you know me. I have to keep everyone happy. No conflict ever. No matter how much work it is for me.

But that’s mostly residual baggage from when I was younger. Now that im an adult, people I meet now don’t get a censored version of me. Its not a full “cory 101” either, but sortof a demo version. Its helped alot lol.

Shit I never noticed how damaged I really am. Why am I not some sociopathic killer? Lol. Ignore that side rant.

But yea.. ugh me and my lives. And ugh to my photographic memory also.

Til next time. Stay frosty.