Im trying. Im trying so hard to change. I don’t want to be going around randomly hooking up with other people. Im trying so damn hard to settle down because its what I want and yet shit is going terribly.

I’ve been chilling with a bi guy for a really long time that I started to really like and yet I’ve have a crush that agreed to go on a date with me. I can’t pick. In a perfect world I’d date them both, but alas I must pick.

Im the kind of person that takes commitments very seriously. It has to be long term minded for me to even consider it. I’ve only been in 3 relationships, with the exception of one, all lasted longer than a year. Especially since im older now. I want someone I can just call my own. That one to confide in, to come home to in the future. Support me while I run at my career. In maybe 5 or 6 years adopting a kid or two. It takes too much energy not letting yourself fall for someone. Not letting them in. Just telling yourself “its just sex”.

And besides its a really bad example for my little brothers.

I just need to find someone on my level of seriousness. And while I like both of these guys alot, they could be either way for me. Long term or temporary. Only because I’ve known one for so long I know his intentions and the other its too soon to tell but has the criteria.

And they’re both hella cute lol.

:sigh: I don’t know what im going to do with myself. Im such a hot mess right now. Well a cute hot mess since I’ve done all my grooming lol.

This is just one more thing to drive me crazy.

Til next time. Stay frosty.