SPLIT MIND. INDECISION. ANGER. JUST PLAIN PISSED OFF

Posted by ckashaan on December 2, 2009
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so i guess im done wit the whole thankful thing. lol i luv how i had to randomly guess that sum ppl saw it. thnkfully thats wut ip trackers r for.

just kidding.

actually no im not. i have one. but i still luv u.

so i guess i should explain my title hmm? ok so here’s the story. so im at work yesterday, and one of the coworkers in my group asked me y i wanted to b a teacher. i said, “i luv kids and i luv teaching. its simple.” totally harmless right? wrong. i gotta remember im dealing with ppl in high school still that cant 100% hold a mature conversation. i think one more “touching kids” joke and it wouldve been me and them right there.

actually i luv how i set stipulations on wuts gonna b the last button pushed and then noone pushes that far. i guess thats wuts helpin my peaceful streak cuz alot of things have been pissin me off lately.

but anywayz…

so yea i was even fuming on the bus goin home. like it wasnt the insult that pissed me off more, but it felt like, to me, it was a severe deformation of my character and reputation. especially since i think adults like that who have audacity to take advantage of kids in that way should just b mass murdered. sry, but i didnt appreciate bein equated to sumthin i depise whole-heartedly. and u kno? the sad part is, it was probably all in jest. and mayb its my fault 4 not speakin further than i did, but i kno i wouldnt have been as level headed about it as i am now. so mayb its better im posting rather than yellin..and cursing..and makin ppl feel bad..in front of my class of like 25 kids. cuz wut kind of role-model would i b then?

issue number 2 i have with these ppl….

they have collectively decided to send away, albeit temporarily, a very close kid of mine. now duh, me sayin that i kno it sounds like im biased in my defense of him, but i also had time to think about it. and the premise for doin it is wrong. ill admit, i hesistantly agreed so im not gonna place it all on them, but i kept one thing in my mind that pushed my initial compliance: if at any point my judgement to the severity of the discipline of any of my kids was affected by a lapse in my objective mentality, i will immediately resign and move on. there is no negotiation about it. and i felt if i was to disagree with them, that was wut id b doin. and now i c it wouldnt have been.

and its not like they could override me, im the senior much.

his acting out was entirely their fault. u cant instigate a kid’s actions then decide he’s misbehaving. liek really? ur a dumbass. so this morning ive decide hes only going for one day. i cant take it all away cuz its like favoritism. and i will not b a commiter of that act. total social equality.

so in summary my coworkers pissed me off and r unfairly punishin my kids. i guess i gotta put my foot down. bein non-confrontational doesnt work when ur in a place of authority. eventually u gotta say “holdup. check urself” but in a nice way.

i really do think i need a vacation. mayb go sumplace warm. wut am i tlkin about? i just need to hang wit my friends out sumwhere. theyre like the only ppl to chillax me much. awesomeness. and i rarely get to c them cuz i live so damn far away now. but at least im moving baq soon. plus i havent seen a certain “pocket sized” one in a while. miss u.

til next time. stay frosty.

p.s. i so need a cigarette. i am like dying here. mountain dew so isnt enough to sooth the stress. i swear if i didnt luv bein able to play hb in pro rankings so much, id b on drugs already.

A THANKSGIVING WHERE I FEEL I NEED TO B THANKFUL

Posted by ckashaan on November 26, 2009
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well, after a day delay and then other distractions all day, im finally starting this post at 9:22pm. great plannin cory. well at least im doin it b4 thanksgiving liek i said i would. but anyways b4 i get to my being thankful and wutnot, i wanna first comment on a discussion i had with my friend in skool today. if u came here just to read ur part of the post(assuming i gave this link to u), u can skip down. ill put sum marker to tell u im starting the touchy-feely part of my posting.

so we’re tlking and he commented on how im not a happy person, but im only content. and with that, content on seeing other ppl happy.(did i summarize that correctly jason?) now i cant lie…ive hit a low point in my life and i really am fine with having other ppl around me reaching their happiness. its kindof like if they can b happy, i can b happy by association. ive done this for so long its like its all i kno. if im not mistaken, i mentioned this b4 when i had my personal counseling class last yr. my professor said my personality was of codependance…i just wanted to help other ppl reach their goals and leave mine alone til afterwards. fully fully tru. i really dont care about wut i do too much..i just want to make sure that evryone is taken care of b4 i take care of myself. thats how i roll.

and in that, im happy. or content as he so put it. but to me its that same thing(which he also explained. god man ur such a shrink). mayb im depressed about being older or mayb theres nothin to excite me anymore, but i c no need to b happy. bein satisfied is all i need to get through the day. and yes, i agree, sumday it wont b enough…but for now, it is. and i can live with that.

im really focusing on this post so bear with the touchyness lol
..and i just got finished takin a break from writing cuz my dad made me clean the bar. i really lost my train of thought.

plus, bein an only child and all, ive come up with ways to pick myself up when i need sum happiness around me.

……….
……..
……
….
..
.now im starting.

so its thanksgiving. well 2moro anyway and i think i should express my thanks to ppl who ive been lucky enough to come across in life. like fate has crossed our paths for the better. positive karma.

and u ppl kno im a firm believer in the karmic circle. i live and breath by it.

well i guess ill go one by one. and i warn u, i will say sum things that may seem mean or offensive, but i do love u mad much so try to understand.

jason – i guess ill start with u cuz i mentioned u in my earlier post already lol. so obviously ur a big piece in my life. truely the best straight guy friend to the gay guy. u keep me grounded and its nice to have sumone around u can just “roll” wit. and ur my pokemon partner in crime(dun worry, noone will kno) and no lie, i swear i get all my hostility towards ghetto ppl from u. cuz b4, i just hated them, now im like genocidal. ur fault! and ur so gonna b a great dad when u get older…well u kno, as u get older. ur son will benefit from ur massive amount of wisdom and insight. but plz dont beat him…..

adaiah – haha im keepin the first part reppin brooklyn college. well bestie, wuts up? u and ur far rockaway-ness. wut can i thank u for that u dont already kno? i really dont kno. oooh i got one. if it wasnt 4 u, i would have like no friends at skool. hangin wit u i got to open my “cory” side and b all friendly. hangin in subo and meetin evryone. then eventually marvin. and when i first met him i swear i thought his name was really marve marve. dun tell him that plzzzz. he awesome and as long as he makes u happy, i wont have to kill him. and that phone pic thing was so funny. luvs u

now who next…

tony – im swear one of these days im gonna kick ur ass, but ur still awesome. and u keep me math tuned when im so tryin to just lose my mind from skool. ur like the voice in my head sayin, i need to keep workin hard cuz theres always gonna b sumone imma need to assist in the future. and wuts gonna happen when im no longer capable? its good motivation havin sumone like that on ur team. but i swear u fustrate me when u wont let it go that im not gonna b straight. sum things u just gotta accept dude. but i guess if u didnt question it so much, i wouldnt think about it, and then i wouldnt b as sure as i am. so thnk u.

kevin – i kno u didnt expect me to include u here did u? aight but let me get this out really fast. i swear ive wanted to kill u more times than i can count, but dude ur mad fun to chill with. and its been a while. and all the stress u added to my brain has helped me b more appreciative of the little mind relaxing things. basically, u help me enjoy life. and thats a truely undervalued gift.

ken – ken!!! little dude wit a guitar. i really miss callin u that. im gonna have to find a new name for u soon cuz u dont really play anymore. ur awesome. u helped me realize wut i wanted to do with my life(i bet u didnt kno that) and omg. guess who got me started on this site? yep u. i wouldnt have these yrs of posts and emotional releases if it wasnt for u. i couldve been a much different person if i didnt have this outlet and u set it in motion 4 me. if im not mistaken i mentioned this in one of my earlier posts, but if i didnt im mentioning it now. so thnks dude for helping me keep my sanity and giving me a way to look at how my life progressed ovr the yrs.

jackie – i felt like shortening ur name. so get over it. jeez its like im watchin u grow up in 2yrs and ur turnin out to b a great person. its natural human psychology to want to feel as if they r needed and ur one of the best pupils i could evr ask 4. even though u ask a million questions and u rack my brain and sumtimes sign off and i worry about u all night cuz u were so upset, id b so disassociated with life if i didnt have u. i dont think id care as much how i presented myself and made sure i led a quality and proper life…so u wouldnt look at me and wonder y im such a failure. so thnk u for bein the key to unlocking my desire to b an all-around good person. (well u and michael, but hes too young to read this. luv both u guys). …and ur toddler joke was so cold lol. i always appreciate how u can make me smile at myslelf.

jonathan – who else would i save 4 last. only the epic ass buddy i call my best friend right? dude, do i even really have to type about u. i guess 1st and foremost id have to thnk u for bein there 4 me when i decided to come out. and u were the first person i told, so it helped me b a little more confident about bein open with evryone and myself. u deal with my stupid obsessions and berate wutever u c as a poor quality. u also criticize my relationship wit my mom and i get the feeling u resented my decision to stay out in queens for this long. i should apologize, cuz, even though i didnt, it felt like i was abandoning u in a way….and id nvr in a million yrs. ur my absolute life friend and i cant wait til we’re older and livin like next door to eachother with a fam of our own. …lol if i evr get my relationship life on track… but dude, there really isnt much i could do without knoin youd b right there with me. and i nvr admitted this, but u were a big reason i didnt go away to skool. how could i leave my buddy here? and i dont regret it at all for a min. thnks for just bein u.

well now thats ovr, i wanna say thnks 4 readin, thnks 4 visiting, thnks 4 ur existence.

til next time stay frosty and have a happy thanksgiving

p.s. i took like 3hrs to do this damn thing lol. im exhausted, but at least i feel like i got to say wut i had to. for the sake of space and time, i left trivial things out. plz 4give me if u felt i shouldve put sumthing i didnt.

ANOTHER VID UPDATE

Posted by ckashaan on November 13, 2009
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with as many videos as i seem to recommend off daveywavey’s site u think id b smart enough to just link the page to my blog right. but im jut too lazy lol. we can all have our lazy moments.

and quick update, me and my lil bro r, of course, best buds again.

but for this post, its a new vid off his youtube page. theres no need for me to put a link to his page cuz its like on the video page lol. actually imma let u be lazy too, cuz imma just embedd the vid here so u dont have to do any extra clicking. so here it is, enjoy;

til next time. stay frosty

HOW DO YOU SAY IM SRY TO A KID?

Posted by ckashaan on November 8, 2009
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hmm. i kinda hate always being right…or at least always gettin a feeling and then it being right(refer to a previous post).

actually i wasnt even gonna post this to tell u how right i was. but no matter wut i tried, i couldnt get wut i did on fri off my mind. and trust me ive tried alot.

but wut could b so bad…sumthin that eclipses any past actions…sumthin to so malicious…that it has rocked my conscience to its very core and made me feel as the lowest person on earth? well ill tell u…i lied to a kid.

oh were u expectin me to have killed sumbody? cuz i wouldnt really lose sleep over that. …as cold as that sounds.

but i think it was the subconcious motives of y i did it that bothers me the most. cuz this is a kid that looks up to me as like a perfect big brother and i look at him as my little brother. as a kid who ive defended to the other counselors at my own expense repeatedly. hes not blood related to me, yet i would still do anythin in my power to do wuts best for him. yet i lied cuz i didn want any wrong thoughts about my work motives, from sumone i didnt even like until this yr, that mightve got me in trouble with my boss. i wouldnt have even gotten fired for it, which makes my action even worse cuz i wasnt in any present situation that wouldve required such a course of response. instead of saying “yea i bought it” i said “nah. y?” and then when she asked again to confirm my story, i only confirmed my stance.

but those 2 words…

so fluent.

so seemingly natural.

with not even a complete sentence, i took all concern away from me and it went to him. it became “y r u lying and saying he’s buyin u stuff?” i was relieved to b out of the “hot seat” and not even concerned that he was in it. i guess it was cuz i knew that for him this wouldnt go past the 5sec convo us 3 were having now, but for me it wouldve been the convo, plus a highly likely discussion with my supervisor on my ethics, plus mayb the “u should look for a new place of employment” phrase.

and i couldnt leave my job.

i luv it too much. i can work when i want. i play games if i want. my bosses r awesome. and theres so little formality between evryone. wut job is that free? my desire to b lazy and comfortable overshadowed my desire to hold 1 of my 2 morals.

ahh there it is..the problem my conscience is having.

ive gotten into such a lazy rut. a need for this lazy rut. its makin me throw evrythin i care about out the window. im turnin into a person i really dont want to b.(this is the reason i moving baq home by the way) if there’s anythin i could say about myself, i could always say i held my morals uncompromisingly. but i guess my mom was right…im human and im gonna mess up sumtime(as much as i hate to admit it). but y did it have to happen with him? y did this innocent child, who was only still excited about wut he got 4 his birthday, have to b caught in the crosshairs of my humanistic imperfections? i dont even deserve to b forgiven by him. i really wouldnt blame him if he nvr spoke to me again.

and i honestly wouldnt protest it cuz i kno i would deserve it.

but come monday i will have made my sincere effort to reconcile his faith in me. and i need to find sum way to get my faith baq in myself. as of right now i feel like a failure as a decent human being cuz at least in the end of the day i was ok with myself…this time, i wasnt.

til next time. stay a little frosty.

JUST A PERCURSOR TO THE PREAMBLE LEADING INTO THE CLIMAX

Posted by ckashaan on November 6, 2009
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man i luv coming up wit titles that make no sense until u think about it. and finally this weblog entry box is working on the library computers. it was annoying copying and pasting the smiley urls. annoying...

but anyways….

yes im in a fairly good mood. i only left the house today cuz i had to. like i didnt have to, but if i wouldve stayed home, my dad wouldve asked y and i cant just b like i withdrew from my class so im free fridays..and tuesdays..and thursdays(technically). so i got dressed, he drove me to the train station and now here i am at skool.

and i wanted to c my bestie adaiah cuz i missed her on tuesday. but unfortunately my other buddy jason is in class. lol, but ill c him 2moro. or mayb monday cuz its gettin mad cold and i dont wanna go runnin to toys r us all the way from queens on a weekend 4 sumthin im probably nvr gonna use lol. arent i such a great person?

isnt it weird how much lighter my posts r if im not upset at sumthin, or radically thinkin about sumthin, or pissed off, or nervous. like i cant type anythin happy anymore. lol this is wut happens when u get older and stressed out all the time. between skool, my work, my kids(i identify sumof my campers at work as my kids cuz they r awesome and mean alot to me. but not as like my offspring kids, like cool buddy kids)(i wrapped evrytime..well almost), my parents, and my best friend…i got my hands full.

like i got that strong feeling…

even though right now im typing like evything is happy and calm(the precursor) and im gonna probably go to work and come home in a relatively good mood if my campers dont make me pull my hair out(the preamble), in a couple of days or so sum shiz is gonna happen(climax) thats gonna make me wanna just shoot sumthin. i didnt wanna say shoot myself cuz suicide is depressing and upsetting to alot of ppl in this world.

well thats was my nothingness post. i really do hope u got sumthin out of it. mayb ill start doing posts about my opinions on topics ppl r tlkin about. but im not on a quest for comments like i used to b yrs ago(damn i been on xanga a long ass time), this is my site and u can c it in my tagline “All About Me”.

so ill type wutevr the hell i want to.

but i still luv my few readers too.

til next time. stay frosty

p.s. jason just said we can go on monday. yaay to the big black guy

A REALLY BAD IDEA? CRUSHING ON UR BEST FRIEND…

Posted by ckashaan on November 3, 2009
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wow much liek really? heart u do this to me? or is it more my mind? i wonder.

so i went out today wit my best friend who i havent seen in a long time and i absolutely had to catch up with(and no. he still hasnt cut his hair, but its cuter long). it was cool we went to get lunch by his skool…not the place i picked though…and then we called another friend and were headin to c Paranormal Activity. by the time we got to the theater it had already started so we went to karaoke on 34th instead. a really cool korean place called Duvet.

we shared a story about how i saw him all exposed at the beach last summer. we sang many many songs and i strained my voice(no alcohol there. theyre strict on the 21+ thing) and then we parted our ways since i live in queens and its far.

…if only i still lived in brooklyn. in time i guess.

but no i did not type this to summarize my day, nor did i come to tell a really magnificiant joke(which i rarely do anyway. i just aint that funny). i came because i have sumthin on my mind/sumthin that i shouldve realized a long time ago.

im totally into my best friend…

i kno wut ur thinking. “well evryone gets a crush on their best friend at sumtime or another” and i have used that to try and explain this. and in the past its also explained my relationships lol, but this goes so much deeper.

personality..hes awesome. he knos when to b the complete hardass and a cute little softie. hes uber protective of evryone and we share the same interests across teh board. except for MMOs. i cant stand them, he cant get enough of them. plus i like how he is in relationships, like uber giving.

emotionally..there r few ppl im in tune with thoroughly. when hes down, im down. when hes happy, im happy. when hes goin through sumthin, i feel the need to put myself in the sitch and resolve it. like buddy synchronization.

physically..hes perfect to me. dont get me wrong, im visually crushin on much hotter guys who id just want to ravage in bed with(am i getting a little to personal wit that comment xanga?). but u kno that feelin where ur attracted to the way sumone looks and u find all their little inadequecies cute. like his little stomach fat is adorable. yea im a dumbass. and it doesnt help that ive had a first hand view of his package.

but even if i take all that into account and i realize i cant have him cuz he luvs boobies too much…plus i wouldnt evr start a relationship wit sumone that close to me, as of now, and risk the breakup…the fact is ive found my perfection and my heart is stuck on it. then my mind wont settle 4 less. im just gonna keep comparin evry guy i meet to him and omg thats gonna make dating really hard

ah ha!! they r workin together against me.

i hate to b all “its not my fault” but how do u look 4 sumthin else when wut u want is right in front of u? i wanna just b like “yo jonathan. ive got a mad crush on u, but ive put myself in jonathan rehab and im tryin to get better.” but i can already picture his face. i think that y im just gonna type this post and send him my link. well he has it, ill just tell him to check it. hey xanga helped me come out, it might as well help me with this too.

damn dinner break….brb
okie im baq.

but yea. im perplexed cuz i want sumthin i cant have. unless i were to find a boyfriend exactly liek him, i think he might b on the baq of my mind for a long time. i can deal with that, cuz thats how many things r for me. but im not sure if this will stay under wraps forever and i dont want it to b a strain on us. cuz i luv him too much to lose him over this stupid issue. and since i went all “crushy” in this post ill stress that i mean luv as in that “brotherly love” not romantic.

til next time. stay frosty

p.s. jonathan, if for wutever reason u come across this, i just want u to kno that this so doesnt change much. its not like imma jump u the next i c u lol