so the decision has come for me to move baq to my mom’s house after this semester is over. as much as i didnt want to b4, skool will just b easier from there
(and we all kno how bad im doing in skool at the moment
). plus i dont mind coming home late from work, i just hate wakin up almost 3hrs b4 my class starts
. that shiz gets tiring after a while lol. plus ill get to play my games evryday without sumone havin a bitchfit. (he who shall remain nameless
)
but at least its not liek im goin baq to the way things were. she promises not to b so “over me” from now on. lol of course i had to come baq with conditions
. im just a little relieved cuz it really felt like i was startin to get more distant from my friends that were left out here. not bein able to c them really takes a toll on the friendship and i luv these guys seriously
.
especially my best friend of all. i finally got to tlk to him online yesterday night and i felt so bad. we missed so much of eachother’s lives and i think he was more upset with me for not bein there. for those few minutes i really felt like the worst friend in the world
. but im goin up to his skool on tuesday so ill take him out to lunch and we can tlk b4 my work starts
. yes im excited…i wonder if he cut his hair yet
.
til next time. stay frosty
quick update, im lookin through my last couple of posts and i c i didnt say i got my tattoo.
well, yep yep…i got it. a little diff than my dragon chain. a tribal remix of it to b specific. lol. but yea its red, yellow, and black. ill put up sum pics when i get home. unless u have my facebook and u can c them there
again…… til next time. stay frosty-er
i kno the sayin is “trials and tribulations” but i wanted to b original. soo, wut do i discuss this time….ooh ooh ooh i kno; how about my very, very bad decision to work and go to skool this yr.
it sucked last yr, not to have money to spend on wut i want, but i think it was better that i wasnt working. cuz i tend to make wuts more immediately beneficial to me my highest priority. last yr, that was skool and i did uber well, now im working so its work, and this’ll b my second horrible semester in a row. like im only takin 3 classes. this shouldve been easier
. but i dont have time for anything anymore. i wake up early and go to skool. then i take the trip baq to queens for work. then i come baq home at about 7 – 8 and try to eat dinner and shower. then i gotta go to bed cuz i gotta b up early and do it all over again.
and its not like i dont kno wut to do. i have several options how to fix this, but i dont want to do either of them. i can:
1. take time off from work and skool. recollect my thoughts and jump baq in and recover the end of my semester. but id have to sacrifice money from my paycheck and i could potentially fall behind worse than now
2. i could leave skool till next yr or next semester and just concentrate on work. but id have to sacrifice the money my parents paid 4 these classes. id lose any financial aid for this semester and next. and my health insurance cuz im covered from chase(my old job) as long as im a full-time student. …that would really suck.
3. i could take the rest of afterskool off and come baq in the summer. but id lose any income til the summer cuz i wouldnt b able to only take sum of the yr off. which leaves me underbudgeted 4 food and hangin-out and general apartment stuff expenses.
i just need a planned mental vacation, cuz my head is bogged down. i dont even have the mental capacity left to b with my hot chemistry guy. its just like my head is shut off and my muscles r on autopilot to just do wut i have to so i dont die
.
its really times like this, when i miss bein a kid. there werent so many things there to make u go crazy and ur parents just made sure u didnt fail(well the ones that cared anyway).
u kno wut?, skool i can come baq to. let me scrap this semester and work my butt off next one. ill b a little more balanced out, stable, chillaxed to the max. theres not much else i can do…is there?
til next time. stay frosty.
…also big shoutout to nusrat for using my tagline on my facebook. yea, she did more than that, but im tryin not get all mushy.
i gotta say i never thought i would ever have to b typing this here…like ever, but i guess sum things u really cant avoid. but this is the big one: am i truely gay, or is this a phase that im going through, or am i possibly just bi and im forcing myself to pick a side? yes…these r the questions that have been addressed to me from the ppl i have come out to and ive really just been tryin to avoid thinkin about it.
life is really simple now. im young, i only got skool and work to worry about. my friends make up 4 my lack of intimate relationships(as sad as that sounds, i rather have it that way). i can just coast. but there’s always “the end of the line” and ive hit it i guess cuz i gotta answer them.
first: “Are you truely gay?”
umm yea, im pretty sure i am. lol, thats not a very clear answer is it? well im sry, but thats the best i can do for now. i mean wut is the actual definition of being gay?
…of, indicating, or supporting homosexual interests or issues: a gay organization. …
now i guess i gotta define homosexual
…Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex …
so yes, i fit the definitive description. but i guess its not enough 4 sum ppl, especially the ppl constantly tryin to change u baq(yes dude, that was a shot at u). so ill go a little deeper. i can say ive always had sum sort of attraction to the male anatomy over the female going very far baq, so this isnt sum new transformation or instant switch in my head. mayb ive just been kindof hiding from myself, in a way, by not being true to my nature.
also, its a little confusing, cuz im not that “active” in the gay community yet. but then also understand, its only been a little over a yr since i came out…cut me sum slack. in truth, i havent even had sex wit a guy yet…that still makes me a little nervous lol. but isnt that tru of straight virgins? arent they nervous 4 their first time even though they wanna do it? well i hope that answers the first question; yes im gay. “i luv the penis.” im sry 4 whoever that just offended, but youll get over it.
second: “Are you possibly bi and just forcing yourself to pick a side?”
omg. if u kno me, u kno i hate picking sides. im horrible at it, it causes confrontation, and i dont do it unless im absolutely sure about it. so let me just say this: no. im not bi, im 100% gay. lol that was an easy answer. but this question has valid reasoning 4 its origination. my friend in skool hangs out wit me in my chem lecture class and i have like the hottest chem lab teacher ever. like ever. (but no compares to my ms. becknel
) anyway, i gotz like a little skoolboy crush on her and i think that mightve forwarded this thinkin. now, im not sayin shes not hot and if 4 sum reason she decided to let me “hit that” i wouldnt. but thats it. and even when i think about it now, im kinda a little turned off. (dammit dude u just had me kill my lab teacher crush
) but am i not allowed to consider hot females sexy? especially when my guy better b close to that fit, and neat, and attractive. i think my inclination to judge both females and guys stems from the fact that i have all of 0 gay friends….(i kno pathetic, but the friends i have now r the friends i had 4ever so obviously i keep myself too busy 4 the make new friends department). so answer number 2; im not bi. trust me.
lastly: “Is this just a phase you’re going through?”
i guess of all 3 this is the one that keeps me awake at night. (i mean that figuratively cuz nuthin keeps me awake at night) and as my good buddy has so pointed out, sooner or later imma have to think about it cuz i cant avoid it forever.
i guess i cant really answer that question and thats y it makes me so uneasy. i like to have a definite path 4 evrything and there isnt one 4 this. as hard as it was to come out, and im not even done yet, it better not b a f-ing phase wit all the crap i had to go through. plus since ive been out, its like ive found a place where i belong. all on my own, where my habits and tendicies dont make me an outsider. and trust me, when u find that place, u dont ever wanna leave it.
but if this was a phase, i would hope it to b over fast. cuz its too mentally stressfull. there’s so much hate, so much stereotyping. i fully understand y sum gay ppl try so hard to b straight or just end up hating other gay ppl.
coincidently i was watchin my subscriptions on youtube and there was a vid by Couver87(http://www.youtube.com/user/Couver87) about this subject which linked to a video where Tyra Banks had ppl on her show. c how fate just pushes me to do things? (ill put the links at the end) but it was like wow. i feel u, but how can u go to such an extreme feeling? to end up hating urself so much? i just felt bad for them
but pertaining to the future… thats y i avoid thinkin about it. when i was younger(not too much younger cuz im only 19 lol__), i always wanted to have a family when i grew up. wife and kids. stable house. 2 cars and a dog. i guess u can say stereotypical american dream got to me. but yea. even now, not so much the wife lol, but i always wanted kids and i still do. especially wit so many parents that give their kids away or abandon them, its like there r so many out there who need sumone loving and caring. (ok cory, goin a little mj there) i guess thats y ive always stuck to my day camp jobs and my afterskool now. especially on my job i c so many kids who come in and want to b there rather than go home to their parents cuz of the strife and commotion. and ive been told i would b the perfect dad already…not to brag.
but the difficulty of makin that future got harder when i decided to come out as gay. society isnt so accepting when it comes to things like that. “2 daddies or mommies is bad for development” oh yea, but we’re more likely to provide a more caring household for them cuz we have to fight to get them. and then fight to keep them
.
and then omg. i still gotta get old. im not gonna have this young sexy body 4ever(i kno how uber conceded that just sounded). i hope i meet the guy i fall in luv with by then. lets say like 30. i dun wanna b like those old guys lookin 4 young butt evrywhere. ewwww.
but 3rd answer; i cant predict if its a phase or not, but i doubt it. 4 my future i want kids, hopefully 2. i always planned to adopt 2 anyway and have one of my own, but im not doin that ”have sex wit a grl so we can have a baby” thing, cuz thats just stressful for the kid groin up. so im stickin to the 2 adopted. and in the end i guess i want the same things but just my sexuality is different. life partner, 2 kids, a dog, 2 cars, a job doin wut i luv, the life-long best friend(s), and stability.
im not a complicated person. im really not. i just rather not….nvm.
til next time. stay frosty
ps. here r those links 4 u:
youtube vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPZ8e49thQ4
tyra banks vid(there r 3 parts, just look in “related vids”)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pup-0dBhRsc
truhfully i wondered how long it would b til i got to the point where its about to b a group meeting at work and there’s a good chance my name would b in it. and no, not for sumthin good lol. or else y would i care that much?
but idk. lately wut goes on at my job has gotten so fuzzy, so disordered, hazy, just plain messed up. between counselor fights, program disruptions, disagreements over hours ppl should get, ppl not watchin kids where theyre supposed to b….just trivial stuff like that. thnkfully, im not involved in that stuff, but i getz my own issue all to myself. well im the only one getting mentioned in this area all by myself cuz im damn sure not the only one.
its funny cuz i wouldnt even kno my head was on the block if i hadnt decided to get all interpersonal and c wuts goin on b4 the meeting. obviously i got diff meeting topics from evryone, so i got to learn evrythin thats gonna happen. yaay my undercoverness.
but anyways….
thats exactly my point. sum ppl r gonna b looked at and sum r gonna get glanced over, just cuz of who they kno in the office. and thats totally not cool. when did work matter more about how u were with the counselors and not about who u handled and conducted with the kids and their parents? isnt that wut a “kid orientated” program is about? at least my bosses like me lol. so itll soften the blow a little if my coworkers decide to call me out.
oh yea, i guess i should explain y i could b in trouble right?
well apparently im extremely nice to all the kids and their parents like me so i consider myself to b amiable and wutnot, but my niceness and openess wit the kids puts the more “distant” counselors in a bind. cuz unfortunately im the one kids run to, when they get in trouble….no dont get me wrong, i dont bail them out but its a statement. but especially 4 one kid whos stuck to me like a twin basically. and omg for sum reason, he’ll only behave when he’s with me. summary(cuz this post is gettin long): hes only listens to me, i favor him..alot.. and its bad 4 the other counselors. yay my trouble.
but yea, worst case..my next post will b me lookin 4 a new job. and best case, i wont get mentioned at all. c my huge stressful dilemma? especially since karma hasnt exactly been on my side recently.
til next time. stay frosty
ps. i need to decide wut im gonna b 4 halloween….
Boi Growing Up 