the future

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THE WINDOW TO THE FUTURE…TEACHING

Posted by ckashaan on February 3, 2010
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like really. of all the high paying jobs my mind is qualified for and i picked the one least likely to lead me in a very profitable life. but wut the hell? i luv it. i often get questioned y would i pick this profession, especially with all the trouble in it. but 2 things really stick out in my head. y i luv it and wut scares me the most about it.

i guess we’ll start with y i luv it.

duh im a pretty patient person. more than most r with the little ones. which i also think speaks alot for wut im gonna b doin wit the rest of my life cuz thats needed much. but i really like the idea of bein a positive influential part of another kid’s life. like, ive gone through skool. nvr wanted to b there of course. but with evry skool ive been too, i can pick out the teacher who made such a big difference in my experience there. made me want to learn. made me want to better my mind. and effectively helped cultivate the semi-genius b4 u today.(i kno that sounded oh so conceded…) i just want to b wut those ppl were to me for the next kid. like a passing of knowledge and compassion. mayb thats y ive crammed so much random knowledge in my head cuz i dish it out evrywhere i can. not in a “i kno more than u way” but more of a “take this i, absorb it, and use it for urself”. i think the perfect comparison would b to the book The Giver. they stopped readin it in skool about when i was there so if u havent read it, i highly recommend it. well in a nutshell, thats my motive.

moving on to my fear about it.

imma just lose it. im probably like the most textbook case passive aggressive person youll meet. totally. i will take shit and take and take then blow up later. this is y, as a precaution, i do things to let off steam. that built up pressure. i blog, i workout, and i play handball. which is y i think i hit the ball extremely hard when i just let go. like my mind has an auto vent switch that goes off sometimes witout me noticing. which now u probably c my worry. wut if that were to happen when im wit a kid or sumthin. besides looking bad, it can b highly destructive and id rather not voluntarily put another person in the blast radius of my explosions. ive already had my little bro in the ring of a little one and it will nvr happen again. but i just worry about when i run out of outlets….

all in all. its wut i do. ive been teaching since i had the knowledge to pass. and i think im one of those ppl who will die teaching. and i mean that in evry sense of the word. theres nuthin else i imagine myself doing forever. and lol, if u notice i didnt mention anythin about me bein mad broke on my mind about this job. yea, givin my lifestyle it surprises me too. and the gay thing…ill deal with later. besides they wont need to kno. my kids dun kno now lolz

til next time. stay frosty

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SO THE BIG QUESTION ABOUT WHETHER IM GAY OR NOT

Posted by ckashaan on October 19, 2009
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i gotta say i never thought i would ever have to b typing this here…like ever, but i guess sum things u really cant avoid. but this is the big one: am i truely gay, or is this a phase that im going through, or am i possibly just bi and im forcing myself to pick a side? yes…these r the questions that have been addressed to me from the ppl i have come out to and ive really just been tryin to avoid thinkin about it.

life is really simple now. im young, i only got skool and work to worry about. my friends make up 4 my lack of intimate relationships(as sad as that sounds, i rather have it that way). i can just coast. but there’s always “the end of the line” and ive hit it i guess cuz i gotta answer them.

first: “Are you truely gay?”

umm yea, im pretty sure i am. lol, thats not a very clear answer is it? well im sry, but thats the best i can do for now. i mean wut is the actual definition of being gay?

…of, indicating, or supporting homosexual interests or issues: a gay organization. …

now i guess i gotta define homosexual
…Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex …

so yes, i fit the definitive description. but i guess its not enough 4 sum ppl, especially the ppl constantly tryin to change u baq(yes dude, that was a shot at u). so ill go a little deeper. i can say ive always had sum sort of attraction to the male anatomy over the female going very far baq, so this isnt sum new transformation or instant switch in my head. mayb ive just been kindof hiding from myself, in a way, by not being true to my nature.

also, its a little confusing, cuz im not that “active” in the gay community yet. but then also understand, its only been a little over a yr since i came out…cut me sum slack. in truth, i havent even had sex wit a guy yet…that still makes me a little nervous lol. but isnt that tru of straight virgins? arent they nervous 4 their first time even though they wanna do it? well i hope that answers the first question; yes im gay. “i luv the penis.” im sry 4 whoever that just offended, but youll get over it.

second: “Are you possibly bi and just forcing yourself to pick a side?”

omg. if u kno me, u kno i hate picking sides. im horrible at it, it causes confrontation, and i dont do it unless im absolutely sure about it. so let me just say this: no. im not bi, im 100% gay. lol that was an easy answer. but this question has valid reasoning 4 its origination. my friend in skool hangs out wit me in my chem lecture class and i have like the hottest chem lab teacher ever. like ever. (but no compares to my ms. becknel) anyway, i gotz like a little skoolboy crush on her and i think that mightve forwarded this thinkin. now, im not sayin shes not hot and if 4 sum reason she decided to let me “hit that” i wouldnt. but thats it. and even when i think about it now, im kinda a little turned off. (dammit dude u just had me kill my lab teacher crush) but am i not allowed to consider hot females sexy? especially when my guy better b close to that fit, and neat, and attractive. i think my inclination to judge both females and guys stems from the fact that i have all of 0 gay friends….(i kno pathetic, but the friends i have now r the friends i had 4ever so obviously i keep myself too busy 4 the make new friends department). so answer number 2; im not bi. trust me.

lastly: “Is this just a phase you’re going through?”

i guess of all 3 this is the one that keeps me awake at night. (i mean that figuratively cuz nuthin keeps me awake at night) and as my good buddy has so pointed out, sooner or later imma have to think about it cuz i cant avoid it forever.

i guess i cant really answer that question and thats y it makes me so uneasy. i like to have a definite path 4 evrything and there isnt one 4 this. as hard as it was to come out, and im not even done yet, it better not b a f-ing phase wit all the crap i had to go through. plus since ive been out, its like ive found a place where i belong. all on my own, where my habits and tendicies dont make me an outsider. and trust me, when u find that place, u dont ever wanna leave it.

but if this was a phase, i would hope it to b over fast. cuz its too mentally stressfull. there’s so much hate, so much stereotyping. i fully understand y sum gay ppl try so hard to b straight or just end up hating other gay ppl.
coincidently i was watchin my subscriptions on youtube and there was a vid by Couver87(http://www.youtube.com/user/Couver87) about this subject which linked to a video where Tyra Banks had ppl on her show. c how fate just pushes me to do things? (ill put the links at the end) but it was like wow. i feel u, but how can u go to such an extreme feeling? to end up hating urself so much? i just felt bad for them

but pertaining to the future… thats y i avoid thinkin about it. when i was younger(not too much younger cuz im only 19 lol__), i always wanted to have a family when i grew up. wife and kids. stable house. 2 cars and a dog. i guess u can say stereotypical american dream got to me. but yea. even now, not so much the wife lol, but i always wanted kids and i still do. especially wit so many parents that give their kids away or abandon them, its like there r so many out there who need sumone loving and caring. (ok cory, goin a little mj there) i guess thats y ive always stuck to my day camp jobs and my afterskool now. especially on my job i c so many kids who come in and want to b there rather than go home to their parents cuz of the strife and commotion. and ive been told i would b the perfect dad already…not to brag.

but the difficulty of makin that future got harder when i decided to come out as gay. society isnt so accepting when it comes to things like that. “2 daddies or mommies is bad for development” oh yea, but we’re more likely to provide a more caring household for them cuz we have to fight to get them. and then fight to keep them.

and then omg. i still gotta get old. im not gonna have this young sexy body 4ever(i kno how uber conceded that just sounded). i hope i meet the guy i fall in luv with by then. lets say like 30. i dun wanna b like those old guys lookin 4 young butt evrywhere. ewwww.

but 3rd answer; i cant predict if its a phase or not, but i doubt it. 4 my future i want kids, hopefully 2. i always planned to adopt 2 anyway and have one of my own, but im not doin that ”have sex wit a grl so we can have a baby” thing, cuz thats just stressful for the kid groin up. so im stickin to the 2 adopted. and in the end i guess i want the same things but just my sexuality is different. life partner, 2 kids, a dog, 2 cars, a job doin wut i luv, the life-long best friend(s), and stability.

im not a complicated person. im really not. i just rather not….nvm.

til next time. stay frosty

ps. here r those links 4 u:
youtube vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPZ8e49thQ4
tyra banks vid(there r 3 parts, just look in “related vids”)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pup-0dBhRsc