I HATE…

Posted by ckashaan on September 27, 2012
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People say “hate” is a strong word, but sometimes I don’t believe that it’s strong enough. These are just some tihngs I hate right now…just today lol.

——————–
I hate bugs,
I hate they way the move, buzz, and have no concept of “bubble space”.
I hate slow people,
I hate the crowds they make, the traffic they cause, the lack of “bubble space”.
I hate when new people touch me,
I hate the awkwardness, I never said you could put your hand there, there’s no “bubble space”.
I hate coming home and my mom is awake,
I hate having to fight, having to conversate with her, she comes in my room and violates my “bubble space”.
I hate some people at my job,
I hate that they can be incompetent, some are ignorant, but they know not to violate my “bubble space”.

I hate migraines,
I hate the pain, they pressure it causes, the disorientation, it’s in my head..way past my “bubble space”.
I hate those that are anti-gay,
I hate the prejudice, the additude they have, they push their beliefs into my mental “bubble space”.
I hate meeting new parents at work,
I hate the expectations, the special attention they require, their needs inhabite my mental “bubble space”.
I hate the relationship I have with my dad,
I hate how we don’t talk, the let downs and disappointments, the mental “bubble space” is too far.
I hate constant contact,
I hate the way it makes me speak, the little time to breathe, no room for wonder, the emotions that flare, my mental “bubble space” is way too crowded needlessly.

I hate noise,
I love the silence.
I hate the “woman”, but still
I love the “man”.
I hate the new and needy,
I love the comfort zone.
I hate the demeaning,
I love the allies.
I hate the “outside”,
I love now and forever the safety of inside my “bubble space”.
——————–

Til next time. Stay frosty.

The Price Of Perfection

Posted by ckashaan on September 19, 2012
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As I put myself deeper than ever before into Bhuddism, I’m getting to see a part of myself that I’ve long forgotten. I belive that’s what you’re supposed to do within a religion, keep on learning. I’m exasperated with life. I guess I should explain because it’s not like the other times where I’ve been ready to delve off the deep end, but it’s a little different now.

I’m tired of being perfect..

For the longest time, I have been just living to please those above me. Trying to be the perfect example of what they expected me to grow up to be. I hid my sexuality for a long time because of it. I couldn’t handle working and school because of it..more because I couldn’t handle being in school forced to do something when i had no idea what I wanted yet. I keep this job because of it. There just comes a time in life when you say, “fuck perfection, I can’t do it anymore for you.”

So when I saw that me coming off the “pleasing you” path and following what I wanted for once couldn’t keep you happy, I gave up.

So.. I keep my lifestyle and honestly I don’t give two shits about anyone else. Wait, that’s a lie. I do, but I’m very defensive about it. It’s not easy spending time cultivating the “build no attachments” mindset and then go start caring about people. Maybe that might sound like a harsh way to live, but I have my reasons…well I had my reasons.

Things change as you get older.

Like for example I look to my right and I see the pictures of my little brothers on the monitor next to me, 3 siblings I never thought I’d have. ..I do have 6 siblings total: 2 older, 4 younger. They’re the first reason I can’t keep my old mindset. There’s nothing in the world I wouldn’t do for them. Or my best friend, who has actually proven to me that I’d do anything for him lol. Don’t get me started on my famfam.

You know what I think it is? All the people who have helped change me and break down my guard are the people who I care so much about. And it’s not easy..I’m very good at defenses. But it’s interesting, those who haven’t broken through, see me as a pretty heartless ass lol and those that have, think I’m the most caring person in the world. It’s what I do.

I’m perfect with those that need me to be and I let myself be imperfect with just myself. I know the exasperating price of upkeeping perfection and I don’t plan on wasting my efforts for anyone who doesn’t deserve it.

The price of perfection, or rather the effort of fulfilling that other person’s idea of perfection, is actively losing yourself. ..but when you love someone, a form of this is what you do.

Til next time. Stay frosty.

IS NO TIME THE TRU TEST?

Posted by ckashaan on July 19, 2012
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You know when they say “it’s the thrill of the chase”? I really hope that’s not the case for me. I like him so much, but my job and lack of free time is killing the relationship for me. One of my friends did tell me that if you like someone you make time for them, but I would if I did have any to spare..which I feel bad about. He really is awesome, but I wanna go back to being friends just so I don’t feel bad about all this.

I have my other reasons, but not now…

I don’t know. I feel like he doesn’t deserve this and I don’t want to be the one doing this. Especially with his newfound slightly overbearing optimism…makes me feel worse about this.

Then again, maybe we will outlast this, rekindle ourselves, and i’ll be in more positive spirits. Although, August still isn’t over yet so there’s a long period to outlast. I know I can cope without seeing eachother for a while…can he?

CANT LET EM SEE YOU CRY

Posted by ckashaan on July 2, 2012
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So yesterday I had a cool day out wit my fam^2 taking a roadtrip to get philly cheesesteaks..from philly. Freaking awesome. They were greasy as I’ve never had before, but I loved those. Every other one i’ve hated.

But it was the drive back that had me a little emotional I guess.

We did this trip today because anthony likes cheesesteaks and he’s never had an authentic one before. Plus we got to chill together before our birthday since that weekend he’ll be at his birth_mom’s house and the day of our birthday i’ll be heavy working. But it was like everytime im here with them, we’re doing something “family” orientated. Everyone goes out of their way to do something, for someone else. My pure blood relatives, not so much. So I was thinking, “what if I had been born into this family instead of my own?” Id be more loving, id be happier more of the time, id actually like my parents lol..just to name some of the many things id like to change about my life.

But would I be me plus those new positives or would I be a whole different person?

And that’s what sortof snapped me back to realism. Yeah I really can’t stand most of my family, but look how my hardness gave me such a focus while i was younger. I’ve achieved so much because I wasn’t showered with that love and affection. I was on my own almost all the time and i liked it. Although now im at a point in my life where I have so many options I don’t know what to do so maybe it’s not all good lol.

Then a divorce which probably scarred me more than I like to admit. Then a really depressing breakup. I was a “fuck love and affection” kindof guy lol.

But then I got the most awesome stepfamily. It took some getting used to, but eventually my views changed a bit..then got hit with another family split. But by then, I didn’t wanna lose what I gained so I didn’t let go. And now I have this family and 3 little brothers which kinda forced me to open the electrified fence around my heart a little bit more. ..I always say they make me softer everyday lol.. And 2 more parents who take care of this mess of a big kid that’s just looking for a steady base to stand on.

Ahh that’s it.

I finally got a grasp on what it is that I’ve been gravitating towards. I want some kind of confirmation that its ok to have a deep relationship that’s not gonna burn and die and leave me scarred, having to build around it. Not just with a boyfriend, but with anyone. I’ve kept people far for a reason, I don’t want to come close to the risk of being hurt or losing a part of me.

But im learning how to accept love and give it. How to let those close to me know my emotions. How to add one more person to build my, hopefully future marriage, life with if he can accept my damage.

But one more obstacle. I have a new baby brother. I must learn to be able to give love freely and receive none until later. Like can I give a big part of myself on the off chance that i’ll maybe be accepted later in his life?

:sigh: im bad at risks.

Til next time. Stay frosty.

HOT AND STICKY

Posted by ckashaan on June 29, 2012
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Its hot. Its gross. I hate heat and I hate humidity. But in the winter I yearn for that single ounce of warmth to keep me from becoming an icicle so I think im a hypocrite lol.

But this is annoying. I even just decided to buy shorts and some t-shirts today because I know what this weekend is going to be like. Well also cause I haven’t done laundry and im running out of clothes…again. I need to be way less lazy. But eh i’ll survive. I hope everyone else is finding their own way to successfully cope with the heat.

Til next time. Stay frosty. Waaaayyy frosty

PRIDE 2012

Posted by ckashaan on June 25, 2012
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So I was at the nyc pride parade yesterday and it was an experience. It wasn’t my first time, but it was still something pretty cool again. Except body glitter doesn’t come off that easy lol.

But the atmosphere there was incredible. Its like that’s one place, no matter what, that we can be so open, wild, and crazy. And I love that feeling. With my personality I have the burden of having to come out repeatedly because everyone assumes im straight when they meet me. Sometimes im thankful for that unintentional subtleness because it helps me blend in where the fact that im gay would make things predictably uneasy. Still there’s a time when I have to come out and until then im “hiding”. Like 90% out, 10% not.

Although when anyone asks me if I am gay, I dont deny it.

But at the parade, at that gay bar, walking in the village, these are places where I feel that 10% let out and the weight lifted. Like I can breathe and not have to worry about how someone is going to take it. Or will I keep the same status I worked so hard for. Or will I be looked at differently. I can just be me fully and being gay is just a part of me.

I remember back to my post where I first came out and I said I only cared about the reaction and acceptance of my best friends. In theory that’s still valid, but im an adult in the real world and that isn’t a realistic stance to take. It matters because I can potentially have alot of roadblocks in my way, especially with my chosen career path.

I don’t know. I don’t think im going to change that yet. Lol I wont be completely freed until I walk into work with a rainbow button included on my bag. ..I love buttons..

Til next time. Stay frosty.