As I put myself deeper than ever before into Bhuddism, I’m getting to see a part of myself that I’ve long forgotten. I belive that’s what you’re supposed to do within a religion, keep on learning. I’m exasperated with life. I guess I should explain because it’s not like the other times where I’ve been ready to delve off the deep end, but it’s a little different now.
I’m tired of being perfect..
For the longest time, I have been just living to please those above me. Trying to be the perfect example of what they expected me to grow up to be. I hid my sexuality for a long time because of it. I couldn’t handle working and school because of it..more because I couldn’t handle being in school forced to do something when i had no idea what I wanted yet. I keep this job because of it. There just comes a time in life when you say, “fuck perfection, I can’t do it anymore for you.”
So when I saw that me coming off the “pleasing you” path and following what I wanted for once couldn’t keep you happy, I gave up.
So.. I keep my lifestyle and honestly I don’t give two shits about anyone else. Wait, that’s a lie. I do, but I’m very defensive about it. It’s not easy spending time cultivating the “build no attachments” mindset and then go start caring about people. Maybe that might sound like a harsh way to live, but I have my reasons…well I had my reasons.
Things change as you get older.
Like for example I look to my right and I see the pictures of my little brothers on the monitor next to me, 3 siblings I never thought I’d have. ..I do have 6 siblings total: 2 older, 4 younger. They’re the first reason I can’t keep my old mindset. There’s nothing in the world I wouldn’t do for them. Or my best friend, who has actually proven to me that I’d do anything for him lol. Don’t get me started on my famfam.
You know what I think it is? All the people who have helped change me and break down my guard are the people who I care so much about. And it’s not easy..I’m very good at defenses. But it’s interesting, those who haven’t broken through, see me as a pretty heartless ass lol and those that have, think I’m the most caring person in the world. It’s what I do.
I’m perfect with those that need me to be and I let myself be imperfect with just myself. I know the exasperating price of upkeeping perfection and I don’t plan on wasting my efforts for anyone who doesn’t deserve it.
The price of perfection, or rather the effort of fulfilling that other person’s idea of perfection, is actively losing yourself. ..but when you love someone, a form of this is what you do.
Til next time. Stay frosty.