A LITTLE CLOSER

Posted by ckashaan on March 29, 2009
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well went to this open mic event on campus held by the LBGTA and Poetry Club on thursday(yea a kno, that was a while ago. but i pulsed about it). it was cool. got to listen to really deep poems. yea, i used to love poetry when i was younger, im just not so into the arts anymore. oh and there were a couple of vocal performers including an exceptionally good operatic(i dont think i spelled that right….but it was opera) vocalist. they had pizza and cookies. jason came with me for the first part….then left cuz he didnt wanna miss sum tv show. i wanted to b like “tv is so gay at a time when u can have live performers”(i really hope u got the pun in there). then i texted adaiah to check it out, but she got of class earlier than i expected and surprised me lol. i hope u liked it bestie!!.

then i went to catch up to her afterwards for the movie night with the PRA. its puerto rican alliance. lol im only tellin u that one cuz i dont think thats an easy one to figure out. i was surprised, cuz i was expecting auditorium with big screen and mad ppl where it would b mad hard to find her in the crowd, but it was a small room wit like 6 or 7 ppl wit a little tv. i gotta admit i liked that better. it was more cozier. pouring rain outside, late at night, dark, ppl huddled around, funny movie(we were watchin Tropical Thunder btw). it just made me love brooklyn college even more knoin that u can do little things like that to enjoy urself with a close friend/or group of friends.

its little things like this, that i can do away from all the things that cause the main strife in my life, that bring me a little closer to peacefulness….i think i just made that word up cuz it just looks like its spelled wrong.

til next time. stay frosty

NOT THE ROLE MODEL I USED TO BE

Posted by ckashaan on March 24, 2009
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yea me and skool have gotten to the point where i have to say this. all my life my mom and dad told evryone how proud they were of me and wut a good student i am and this and that. then with all my mentoring and counselor jobs, kids looked up to me cuz of how hard i worked and still managed to have sum fun. but now its not the case anymore. i dont kno how it started, but i can tell u y i keep this behavior up.

i guess when i got to college the amount of freedom and “nobody cares wut u do” got to me. dun get me wrong i went to john dewey high school(thats dewey b4 the gun incident and massive truancy and metal detectors). we had a shitload of freedom there. and ill admit i slipped up there my freshman yr too, but i recovered real fast and worked uber hard throughout skool. but now, its that little bit more space that put me over the edge. plus i dont have my mom in my skool business anymore either and my dad just naively just tells evryone how good i am(actually thats the only reason y i used to work so hard. ill explain another time). even the professors couldnt give 2 shits whether ur there or not.

and yes, if u knew my nature youd have forseen that id take advantage of this. my excuses not to hang with my friends b4 was “attendance matters, i have to b there”. now it doesnt, so im out of class left and right. im already having to withdraw from one class cuz i stopped goin and missed the midterm. then im taking an F in another class and doing an F-replacement next semester for another class. even now as i type im supposed to b in calculus 2. yea thats right, im a freshman in adv calculus. i dont think u understand how lucky i am to b allowed to take that and im not in reg upperclassmem section, im in the graduate student section. like omg. and here’s the kicker…im a paid tutor for ppl up to calc level. am i on drugs?. who the hell doesnt go to the class they get paid to teach?

now u c how far i’ve gone down the wrong path. shiz the only class i go to is physics and i missed 7 lab reports for the lab section.

but y do keep doin this? its cuz i cant stop. ive tried to go baq. ill never go baq to ss. ive always friggin hated ss…since like elementary skool. but i started goin baq to english 2. lasted 2 classes then decided ill just take an F and walk away. went baq to calculus 2, took a test, failed that test…horribly(probably due to my lack of attendance, yet i still kno math like i eat it evrday for breakfast, lunch, and dinner). then i was with my friend he wanted to do sumthin i said fine, and started skippin calc again.

i dont even think i deserve my camp counselor job anymore. id b too big of a hypocrite now. “make sure u do good in skool” “u can work hard now and have fun later”. im barely doin good in skool, im having all the fun in teh world and im screwing work for later. see? hypocrite. but i couldnt leave my kids……

its just that i need sumthin to go baq to class for. last semester i became really cool friends with adaiah, and she really detered my cutting cuz we were in the same classes and i would never intentionally have anyone b influenced by my bad habits. so i went to class to c her. and just in time too. all my grades went sky high and i was able to have fun in class. i can say she pulled my ass out of the danger zone. but now, im alone in evry single class except for physics and youll never guess which friend is in that class….yea, him, the one who got me cutting in the first place. but hey, a friend is a friend. but no reason in any of my other classes. calc has a slight appeal cuz i just think math is fun(i kno i sounded like a geek), but not fun enough for me to sit in a classroom for an hour and 30min. and in truth, if i could just get the balls to baq to calc id b fine cuz thats all i care about.

yea, its balls that keeping me away.

i realized im messing up bad. i realize im wasting away my mom’s money. i realize im probably sacrificing evry dream i ever had for the future if i keep this up. but have u ever had that feelin of shame or embarassment to return to sumthin? its like, i cant get myself to face the look from the professor….even though i kno he wont say anything and he’ll just keep on teaching the lesson as if nothing is different. but i feel the shame as if i dont deserve to b there anymore. i had my chance and blew it. it just sucks to b alone in this. especially bein in the same situation i told myself i would never allow myself to fall into after learning from high school.

im sry dad. im sry adaiah. im sry campers. im sry garvin. and im sry tony.
i dont deserve u guys’ respect, nor friendship anymore

i cant even use my ending for this post.

 

TOO MANY THINGS. NOT ENOUGH BODIES.

Posted by ckashaan on March 23, 2009
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u have to have gone through this at sum point in ur life. u have so many diff groups of friends that ur close with and at sum point in time, they all happen to want u to do sumthin with them either all at once or one in immediate succession after the other. and the really crappy thing is that u happen to want to do all of them, and u instinctively say yes. but in time u come to realize, there is sumthin holdin u baq from doin them all and the most painstaking choice arises….which group(or groups) makes the cut.

for most ppl(i cant say all cuz i kno not evryone sees it this way. i kno i dont) its like the friends u choose to participate with r the ones that make the cut in ur life. like they matter the most to u, or they’re the only ones that do matter to u. and who u didnt choose to hang with, is viewed as crap by u…and then later on they come to b less of a friend to u in response to ur decision.

but this isnt always the case. mayb u just cant do them all. mayb u dont have enough money, or u cant take off work for all those days, or sumthin really important and unavoidable like that. sumtimes friends understand and sumtimes they dont care about the reason cuz they’re too far pissed(and hurt) u didnt pick them. and u would assume the tru friends would get it, right?…..but this isnt always the case. sumtimes emotions block all rational thought. and this is where i am a firm believer in pure emotional absence from choices(although i cheat sumtimes).

now to me…

of course i mention myself in all my posts, wut would a personal blog b without my personal relation? duh, evry post i make has sumthin to do with my situation. i just liked stating that for sum stupid reason.

but anyway, my sitch is this. i got 3 things in june, one is preplanned since last yr….a trip to six flags with my best friends from HS. yes we r making this an evry yr thing so this cant b sacrificed. this trip is like a bf thing where u keep the bonds up by making sure u have a “hoorah” evry yr. like in the movies where buddies have been goin on annual fishin trips together for like 20yrs or sumthin. yes, its that deep.

but the real trouble comes from the 2 other trips. one is with my new best friends from college. im mad cool with them and i am really lucky to have found such great ppl when im just starting skool. they’re a real support system here and i can say id b a little lost without them(do not get all emotional on me when u read this adaiah) anyways we’re driving upstate(hopefully ill b in the driver’s seat) and renting a cabin for a couple of days, like 4 or 5 i think….im really not sure. it would b a cool bonding trip for all of us(or potentially disastrous but im optimistic). total necessity.

next we have one of my best friends in the whole wide world jonathan. knew him since sophomore yr in HS and dude has been there for me alot. even got me to come out alot faster to evryone than i thought i would(its actually a funny story, ill tell it another time) but anyway, he wants me to go to nj to an anime festival. its like 3 days out there and he knos ive always wanted to go to one(but im not feeling the 3 extra ppl i dont kno part). this is also a necessity.

but c my dilemma?….i either crush my new best friends or i crush my old best friend. wut to do, wut to do….
if i had more bodies, id just make myself b in multiple places.(or have multiple jobs)

oh but the reason i have to choose u ask? well, put simply. i cant afford it.

til next time. stay frosty

THE TROUBLE WITH BEING SINGLE/STARTING THE FIRST RELATIONSHIP

Posted by ckashaan on March 18, 2009
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warning: if u dont kno i’m gay  and u want to read this post, i refer u to my post dated “sept 08th, 2008” titled HERE GOES NOTHING.

hmmm. bein single for so long forms the question: r u single because u choose to b, or r u single cuz u have no choice? obviously i would liek to say the first, but sumtimes i think its not by my own doing. i mean, it started off bein “imma just focus on my skool stuff”, but now i want to b in a relationship. i think i can handle it. its just been hard to b noticed. lol ive always the attractive close friend, never the attractive boyfriend. i blame my friendly nature.

then again i think im just bad at startin relationships, and then bein gay i think it makes it a little more complicated. which brings me to the second part of my title. the next relationship i get in will b my first relationship on this side of the tracks. it reminds me of the episode of Degrassi wit Marco and his first. like omg nerve-wrecking  >.<  but i will say my life has been more fun since ive switched sides.

but wut makes this last day bad, is that i had a crush on this really cool guy(bi not gay) and he turned baq straight and is in a relationship. first chance at sum kind of relationship potential and it shut in my face. first i was like then i went . but its all good now. moving on to more future prospects.

and i am beginning to fully assimillate into this new culture lol. my super abilities r growing.

til next time, stay frosty

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

Posted by ckashaan on March 11, 2009
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nothing like bein in my fav room in the library at skool. totally gives me my free time to b alone and just think about things. so my thoughts for today: trials.

wut r trials? r they just random events that are there to annoy us or r they a planned occurence to makes us stronger for the future and envoke our thinking. i choose to think of them as a balancing of the universe. i go through tough things now and later the balance will b the good things i recieve later. like an example…i live with my mom and its like 1 step better than hell itself(im only using “hell” as literary reference. u ppl already kno my stance on religion). but i remember how much fun i’ll have in the summer working and living at my dad’s house. so im taking the bad now and getting the good later….balance.

but not all trials r this cut and dry. so many things we go through and it doesnt seem like there’s any return on teh horizon. like wuts good about a breakup? getting kicked out of skool? getting killed…thats a total extreme. i cant conceive of the positive balance. but wut if this is a positive in itself. …ok stay with me here… the math equation -2 – -2=? actually means -2 + 2=?. u think the negative is subtracting from ur life, but really its  adding the reciprocal to ur negative action. so in theory if u do sumthin bad, and u get a negative result greater than or equal to ur negative action, its nature’s way of tryin to balance ur life out or make it a positive. there we go with better positives.

ill revise this later lol, i gotta go meet adaiah.

til next time. stay frosty

CHOICES

Posted by ckashaan on March 5, 2009
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is this all life is? is that all friendship is? a series of choices and ur friends so long as u both make the same ones together. then is it over at the first fork? the first split decision? and is the value of the friendship measured by how many concurrent choices you’ve made together?

is this all u valued our friendship to b? all this time were u really only measuring u and our relationship to me and his? who knew eachother longer…decided together longer. and r u really willing to walk away from our brief but concentrated discovery and interaction with eachother?….just because i knew him longer? it’s said “a gay friend is a grl’s best accessory”(taken right off the tyra banks show) but a best grl is also a gay’s best companion(that’s mine. a derivative of the original phrase.  …and yes jon i kno, ill get to u another time but this is a little more pressing). like omg, u were my best grl.

and mayb im being stupid and naive, but i damn sure measured our friendship beyond time, if i had to say how i would measure it. how close we got, how natural we were with eachother. shit, i even told u my biggest secret b4 i told jason cuz i considered u so close to me. to even give me a lame reason like that i guess kindof annoys me if not hurts me. time. just time. nothing else…only time.

u once told me that u couldnt b upset with me for more than a couple of min. i hope thats tru in this case too.

til next time. stay frosty

 

i promise next post will b the one i meant it to b. “MY BIGGEST FEAR”