EVERYONE NEEDS SOMEONE

Posted by ckashaan on November 9, 2010
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I still look back on the old me in junior high school like “what were you thinking?” I told myself that no matter what, I could do it all on my own. And believe it or not, I made the effort not to have friends. I hated almost everyone. Except the girl who I fell in love with(and I use that word with full meaning). It was like the biggest pain in the ass when the teachers assigned us group projects.

Like “bitch why you gotta be forcing us to communicate?” 

Of course I never got picked outright. I was always placed, bit I’d rather it that way because it made me feel like I was following my intentions. 

Then I got older. 

It’s impossible. It truly is. No one in this world can survive on their own. I realize that this day. This very day. I got to where I got by myself…all by myself. I don’t care what anyone says they think they did for me. I did do it alone. But up to a certain relatively recent point in my life, I have been lucky enough to befriend people who have come to aid me in my shortcomings. I wouldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for them. 

And you thought I was a self-centered jackass before I said that last part didn’t you?

And then people wonder why I place my friends above my family. Hello….they are actually there for me when I need them….and I try to make sure their concerns are not one-sided. 

But I gotta say, today was especially hard because financial support is something I refused to receive aid on. And this was my life test today. I was put in a situation where I really needed it and I was given an offer by a good friend. I swallowed my “do it alone” addittude, reluctantly, and accepted. Lol because I knew I’d almost never recover from this one alone.

But I love how life smacks my loner self in the face and says “go be a part of everybody. you have more to offer as they have what you may need.” 

So for all you loners out there, trust me I was you. A certain part of me is still you. But don’t hold on to thinking you can solve all your problems alone. No one was meant to stay alone. Life will drown you. 

Everyone needs someone. 

Til next time. Stay frosty.

I DO IT CUZ NEED IT

Posted by ckashaan on September 27, 2010
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So on my way home me and george(2 of my bro’s bio dad) are talking about different types of campaigning stuff(he’s in the business field) and he happened to say that I seemed liked the kind of person who’s a good writer. Now I’m pretty sure only his wife has seen my posts on the joint blog so it was cool for him to say something like that. 

Yes even though I keep this site and all its posts public and searchable, I keep it under wraps. How I get so much recurring traffic I will never understand since I don’t really promote it, but I am deeply grateful that you people take the time to visit and read in on my thoughts. Much luv ❤

So at that moment I thought I better be good at writing since I my brothers are some of the kids I teach English to lol or else that’d be a problem. It also brought to mind how long I have been doing writing and postings unguided and on my own. I think all these years of expressing my feelings have been a good practice for enhancing my literary abilities I guess.

But that’s just it, would I be able to be so adept at writing if it wasn’t for this major flaw/gift in my personality?

From when I started to now, the quality of the writing has definitely improved and matured of course, but it has come as a sub-consequence to an act that I do because I need to and because it’s not something I “want” to do. It’s incredibly difficult for me to come forward verbally with my feelings and opinions on personal things and writing it has been my release. Like visual words are the combination to my mental safe. It’s as if here, I’m telling it to myself. Takin the thoughts right from my head, putting in another form, then hitting submit before I have the chance to backdown and say “nevermind”. 

In front of people it’s a whole different experience. It has to be rehearsed perfectly way in advance and even then, when I’m about to speak my peace, an almost detachment from myself occurs and I pull back before those words of no return are spoken from my mouth, “I need to talk to you about something.” 

Those who know me, don’t really know this aspect of my deeper self. As with everything else I do to myself to be able to accommodate other people, I found a way to make this work to. Hence comes the double self. I’ve sectioned off 2 parts of myself. That which I can be publicly and that which I can be privately. The second part is held within my safe. This puts up the impression that I don’t have this lack of expression residing so deep down. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not disingenuous to anyone, but I keep a big part of my “personal” personality away. What “I” think, what “I” care about. All that is here and with the very few people I care to have given the combination to. If I didn’t have my writing, life would be so much harder. I’m a very loyal person, but I’m also very distrusting. Which would probably explain why it took me so long to come out to my best friend in the first place. 

…junior high school was very hard…

It still feels like in the end it’s only me that I can fall back to. I know thats a highly cynical way to look at life, but understand my perspective. I don’t really have the luxury to enjoy those tight-knit families of most. I practically grew up on my own. I haven’t had a steady group of good friends. Bullied for 1 and a half years of jhs. Then because of my personal preference, I’m part of a widely discriminated against group. I think I have my reasons to not trust people and hold my ponderings inside. 

Well there we go. I blog because I need to. Because I can’t speak what’s important to me. Because I don’t trust people. Because too many haven’t been there with me. I’m groomed by life to run alone. The few that I’m loyal to and the little ones I love, that’s what encompasses me. That’s what I surround myself with. That’s why I bond stronger to those who aren’t my blood over those who are. 

It’s a life experience. 

Til next time. Stay frosty. 

LOVE YA BROS

Posted by ckashaan on September 26, 2010
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So it’s late, and my little brothers have once again coerced me into spending another night, this time I came prepared and brought a bag of clothes just in case lol. I’ll use this time to take them out tomorrow I guess. Handball and pizza isn’t so bad. 

And plus Mikey got to fulfill his big wish to talk to my best friend. …now he wants to meet him. 

I did talk to their mom and dad about some things that were bothering me. Like I love my brothers and i try to be there for them as much as I can, but I felt like I was kindof intruding on their space a little. It was funny because they had the concern that they were inflicting upon my social life. We basically had concerns about eachother and it was good that we took the time to air this out lol. 

I also inquired as to why they never requested a progress report of the tutoring sessions, but they were judging my work by how they were improving in school and that it was great. So yaay for that. 

I really love my bros, but I think sometimes they forget that I’m way older than they are. Well I know Mikey doesn’t because he brought up the big “sex” question to me today. Like no lie, that scared the shit out of me because right then I knew he would be trusting me for this kindof advice primarily. I’m a little nervous that I might make a mistake on this one. Especially when he tried to delve into my sexual history. I just stopped him by saying it’s none of his business yet. 

I always thought it would be cool to have younger siblings. To play with. To grow up with. To have fun with. But this comes with such a great responsibility also. You are their role model, aside from their parents. Plus they take your words more seriously because of the fact that they can relate to you more. It’s a scary thing to have so much on you. 

And sorry Jonathan for the surprise call thing. He really wanted to say hi. Like really badly. 

Til next time. Stay frosty. 

IVE PLACED MYSELF WHERE I BELONG

Posted by ckashaan on September 21, 2010
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I’ve been thinking alot lately about how I live and my lack of doing for myself and how it hinders my own life advancement. It was a selfish and closed-minded way of thinking. I’m not hindering my accomplishments, I’m pushing forward in ways I couldn’t quite understand before. 

This is my purpose. I give all I can to those that need me. My time, my services, my thoughts, my love. If I have it in my abilities to do it then I find a way. It maybe took a while to see, but I am definitely a giver in this life. This is my purpose. 

I believe this with all my heart and soul. It explains my past actions and my future desires. My holding back to push someone forward. My giving up every weekend for months to keep a promise to Mikey and be there for him. Making sure my family’s computers are running lol. My ultimate wish to become a teacher and pass on the knowledge i’ve gained to help the generations after me. Everyone looks for something to live for. Something to run towards. A reason and end goal to say “this makes it all worth it”. 

I have found mine. To be the one that anyone can come to and get a little life push that they need. That’s my personal advancement path, how close are you to understanding yours?

A DAY OUT WITH MY little LITTLE BROTHER :)

Posted by ckashaan on September 20, 2010
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so this weekend i started my tutoring job as usual then i went to my brothers’ house as usual. then we went to mikey’s football practice and we had pizza for lunch. went back to the house and we ate dinner while 3 of us watched “Where The Wild Things Are”. my oldest lil bro was at his mom’s house. they kept asking me to sleep over, so i did.

woke up the next morning and got mikey up early because he had to be at his field at 9 before his first game yesterday. him and his dad left early then me, my little little brother, and his mom went to get breakfast and then we hit the field. his team, the Raiders, kicked ass 30 – 7 and then he left with his mom afterwards. so it was me, my youngest brother, and his parents at the house.

now i realize i’ve never formally introduced my brothers here. i think only twitter has them frequently mentioned because i tweet every damn thing i do, if you follow me you know this. now you may be a little confused seeing as how, biologically, i’m an only child. actually, i have an older stepsister, an older stepbrother, and now these 3 guys. its like one of those close bonding and accepting a kid into the family kindof thing. i am that kid. the oldest is anthony(13), then michael”mikey”(12), and finally washington”washy”(10). these are my little brothers. i take care of them as such. i love them as such. i protect them as such. we live as such.

now back to my post….

so now i figure it’s time for me to go home because it’s been a long day and there are some things i need to do. washy doesn’t want me to leave yet, so i figured i’d keep him company since he’d be the only kid in the house. trust me, being an only child when i was his age, i know exactly how lonely it can be….there are only so many times you can play with the same toys. so we watched “Wall-E”. i was kinda falling asleep because it was cold and i was hungry. but i put on my hoodie, grabbed some cookies and i perked back up. when the movie ended i said “now can i go home?” …of course he said no. i shouldn’t have asked lol. i wasn’t really going to leave him alone. so he didn’t know what else he wanted to do. i suggested maybe we could go to the park.

his mom said sure. gave me the keys. i grabbed my bag. he grabbed a gatorade. we were out.

had a good time playing together. taught him some lessons. played some people. just had a good time bonding. it’s never usually me and him alone because i have 2 other ones to include in the fun lol. so i guess he kinda feels misplaced being the little one. but i always tell him, “you’re no longer the little one, you’re just the youngest.” after some hours out, i brought him back upstairs and we cleaned up and went out to eat. …made me sit in the back seat with him.

so we got back to the house and i finally had to tell him i was leaving because we also had to pick up my other bros from their mom’s. the poor boy was upset. …thats how i could tell he didnt want the day to end… after some time reassuring him that it was ok and he could just have me come over if he wants to do all this again…and then promising to stay over again in 2 weeks, he finally was ok with it and i bid him goodbye. besides, he’s in my group at work. i’m going to see him anyway.

til next time. stay frosty.

p.s. happy birthday mikey! turning 12 today stop dropping the damn rc car i bought u. love you and i’ll see you later.

i do notice that this is 2 posts in a row that occur on someone’s birthday lol. mikey thinks it’s just awesome his bday is 3 days after jonathan’s…

UPSETTING THE INSTINCTUAL BALANCE

Posted by ckashaan on September 17, 2010
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wuddup my fellow xangans and visiting readers? hows life? hows friendship? hows love?

(and with this post you’ll see a format change. usually i use pure “aim” speak grammar rules when i make my post to be more informal, but i’m going to skip the abbreviations as much as possible. with not being in school, it kindof means i don’t really have an outside source of formal writing practice. although, i will still be keeping to all lowercase. i like the look)

i come to you today with a thought on my head. if you’ve followed my site for a while, you know that i’m highly emotionally invested in the “trio” i have in this world and the maintaining of it. it consists of me, my best friend, and his “it’s complicated”. we are the natural fit. like we became our tight family outside of our own family. we have our own activities, our own hangout spots, our own traditions…and it’s my time to add another person to it.

now don’t get me wrong, being the single one definitely becomes the pain in the ass sometimes(third wheel status), but it never feels like a left out thing. i’m just the “free” one. i got my options or at least that’s how i try to see it. plus it helps me have an outside view so i can aid in anyway i can to the relationship without my own partner biases. but i worry that the person i choose, who i’m like highly interested in(i use “interested in” only because we aren’t official yet), won’t fit in or will have a hard time assimilating. i’ve done some things in this group that have taken me way out of my element and it was hard. it’s like i don’t want him to feel pressured with having to play “catch up” or make them feel uneasy and want to tone down or change what we do just to help me out. i want to keep as much tension out of the trio as possible because we already have too much going on.

i asked them about this when we were having our ramen dinner thingy today and they, of course, were like it’d be ok, but i really did expect them to say that. i would’ve felt a little better if they said “we’re aren’t sure” or something like that. then it wouldn’t be just me feeling the anxiety and it’d be justified. and yeah i really like him….alot. he knows me, but not this me. he has the everyday watered down version of me i guess. as bad as that sounds, everyone gets it.

when you try to be everything for everybody as i have for so long, you just become a former shadow of yourself and you turn into just this blended mix of what you extend yourself as. although, i have my handful of people who get me, the unabridged version…

our worlds are really different. liek complete opposites. he’s not come from the sheltered spoiledness i come from. different ethics and traditions. different lifestyles. shit even different stages of our open sexuality. like lets be honest, im open about being gay, but i’m way more sutble than most. i think i do it mostly for my brothers though. they are not nearly at an age to understand it. he’s definitely out there, but not like flamboyant because my personality cant handle the extrovertedness. i mean that in a good way.

i’m just stuck you know? do i just say “hey. you, me, and my friends we going out” and ignore this stupid aching feeling like i’m in over my head. or do i listen as i usually do and just withdraw? maybe i feel this way because i don’t want to mess this up. i mean i REALLY REALLY REALLY like him. it has been a long time since i felt this way about someone.

til next time. stay frosty.

p.s. happy birthday to my best friend jonathan. had an awesome day out with you dude.