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MAYBE THE BAD PATH, ISN’T THAT “BAD”

Posted by ckashaan on February 15, 2013
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This is probably my most experimentally driven post I’ve ever written. All spurred by one movie. It’s interesting, I’ve created such a “thought bubble” in my head that usually movies or shows either accurately portray my mindset or depict what is already there, but I’ve chosen to subdue. Oh yeah, the movie was Flight with Denzel Washington…awesome movie. I started watching because I always wanted to see that flight scene, the pilot in me of course. I kept watching because Denzel’s character pulled me in and I was hooked.

The self-destruction, the unstable relationships, broken family, arrogance, justified arrogance, the one best friend keeping him above level albeit his drug dealer also lol. Look at the comparison to my life. The same on all points, except my best friend isn’t a drug dealer, but he is the one keeping me above level. The only difference is I could never let myself fall completely to the level he was at. I always had my very strict “black line” and refused to cross it. But why?

There was always a reason to stay afloat for someone. First time, I didn’t go through suicide because it would’ve destroyed my already fragile dad. The second time I couldn’t put my younger brothers through that in the end. I stay on the good and narrow now, not because I don’t have the means to delve into the underbelly of society, but because I’m constantly a model for people who have something wrong with them. I’m the one people come to as if I can fix anything because I keep it together..no demons in my closet.

A secret for some still, yes, but no demons. And I’ve had a hard life keeping it that way.

But as I was watching this man on the screen systematically destroy himself, at first it upset me, but then I was like “why don’t I do that”? “Why do I fight so hard to be everything for everyone?” It especially hit me when, as the woman walked away from the hanger, he yelled, “I embrace it, shit. I choose to drink…And I blame myself, I’m happy to. And you know why? Because I choose to drink.” He was touting himself as a person, whether through conscious effort or not, to have made the choice to be a drinker. He knew his relationship with his ex-wife and son was bad. His job was in jeopardy. The woman he was building a relationship with was leaving him. Yet he still drank.

Willingly spiral out of control.

Last year I tried to do so much on my own and I tried it all the good way. Kept it straightforward and honest. And when I kept messing up because I wasn’t ready, I didn’t let myself drown in my sorrows and self-pity. This year will be different. I’m modeling this to be the year I spiralled out of control just because I can, but will I be able to come back? I don’t want to stay under forever. How can I still be that guy to go to if I can’t recover? I’m sure being in that state of mind won’t be good to help anyone else. What if it feels so good to be bad, I won’t want to come back? Will there be someone stronger than me to save me? It took someone else’s good action being tarnished for him that Denzel’s character was able to break his destructive cycle. I don’t want to need something that drastic to bring me back from darkness.

But I want to be bad too much. I want to taste..feel it..live it..revel in it and let it take over me.

…but will there be someone stronger than me to save me?

Til next time. Stay frosty.

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THE LEARNING CURVE PT.2

Posted by ckashaan on January 15, 2013
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If you haven’t read the first part, I suggest you do because this post might be a little confusing if you don’t.

Now to continue..

My travelling has found me to many others on corners. And I’ve done my very best to translate my observations to them, most to great positive outcomes. I’m honored to have been a part of their lives. But the one thing I observed and always wanted, that part that i thought was missing from my life, was the interaction of siblings. They’re like the ultimate tag team of travelling through life. And twins take that up a notch to “partners in crime” lol.

But I was slated to never have any. It was an experience I thought I needed, but really only wanted. So after wanting so bad, I just settled with never getting any.

And then I get 2. Younger stepsiblings from my dad’s first remarriage, which thankfully ended. I never wanted siblings again if that was what it would be like.

And then I get 2 new ones. Older this time. Sister and brother, same as before. It’s is awesome.

And then I get 3 to add to that. Younger this time. All brothers. It is awesome.

And then we add another one last year. Little baby brother still not old enough to really be influential upon my actions.

…I’m going to go back to my metaphor now.

I observed a lot from my older sister and brother, mostly sister, that prepared me to handle younger siblings. I thought I learned enough and I was ready the first time, but I wasn’t. I succumbed to the teaching of my sister and I consequently learned how to teach to my little brothers. Well hopefully it translates to them well enough. But as I said before, it is still true now. Siblings are the tag team of travelling through life. I’ve learned without them, I teach them. They learn without me, they teach me. We learn together, we teachother.

It’s the coolest most rewarding interaction I’ve stumbled into so far.

But that’s it I guess. I’ve grown from a little boy on the corner to an older boy away from his corner. Learning at different corners and sharing what I’ve learned with those inhabitants. And now I have companions to travel with me. I will always be the observer first because there’s no limit to what you can learn from the actions of your predecessors, but the more I learn, the more I teach.

Teach me.

Til next time. Stay frosty.

Losing Hope..

Posted by ckashaan on January 22, 2012
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Today I read that a 14 year old LGTBQ youth committed suicide and I just thought to myself, ” another one…” I understand I’m probably not the best person to be thinking that maybe this kid should’ve held on a little longer because honestly it’s lucky that I rerouted from that path myself..3 times.

Well maybe it wasn’t luck, maybe it was my close support network.

It’s been my observation that people only resort to suicide when they feel that there’s noone or nowhere to turn to. No more help for them to get. No place to go to escape the torment. No vent for the pressure. ..no other way.. I’ve been lucky. First time, I didn’t want to further upset my dad and I found a band that pulled me out(love you forever MCR). The second time, I was able to let my troubles be ignored so i could help my best friend, who I deemed needed me more than I needed myself. The third time, I got as far as the note I was going to leave behind, which happens to be on this site. Although, in the middle of writing it, I realized I couldn’t do it. My little brothers needed my guidance still and I’m not sure they’d be able to recover from that. And my little sis, there’s no way I could do that to her..especially after what she’s already been through.

So I guess it was that I was still “needed”. I still had a purpose and this all was just a test to make me stronger and appreciate my liberation when the test was all over. Any other way of thinking and that won’t turn out too well. I honestly believe I don’t need people in that supportive kind of way. I was born a loner, raised a loner, so underneath it all, that loner will always be there. Don’t get me wrong, I love my stepfam, my brothers, my sis, but I’m never fully comfortable unless I’m alone.

But not everyone is me. Not everyone can cope with being alone. Not everyone’s depression is that they want to be needed, but it’s that they need someone that isn’t there.

So I feel for these kids killing themselves because I know their pain. Not that we have the same pain cause, but that we were in the same position. Then my feelings get personal because these little dudes are the same age as my brothers. Granted, my brothers aren’t dealing with bullying because of their sexual orientation, as far as I know, but it makes me think. I make sure they know they can lay anything they want on me, no matter what I’m there for them and I’ve made sure in the past when they have come to me with things I was open and accepting and helpful(i guess that’t the word for it. I know there’s a better word I want to use.) But what if there was one thing they couldn’t come to me with? Would I notice if they felt the same way these kids did? Would I react in time to prevent this extreme from happening? See? Too personal.

But I should relax because they’re a happy bunch of 3 lol.

I wish these teens had a stronger support system. Maybe closer friends. Someone. Anyone to help them. It’s such a sad thing to have a child die so soon because life looked so bleak to them. It could also be my desire to help everyone that makes me so upset over this, but it’s still depressing.

R.I.P. all you young ones.

Til next time. Stay frosty.

EVERYONE NEEDS SOMEONE

Posted by ckashaan on November 9, 2010
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I still look back on the old me in junior high school like “what were you thinking?” I told myself that no matter what, I could do it all on my own. And believe it or not, I made the effort not to have friends. I hated almost everyone. Except the girl who I fell in love with(and I use that word with full meaning). It was like the biggest pain in the ass when the teachers assigned us group projects.

Like “bitch why you gotta be forcing us to communicate?” 

Of course I never got picked outright. I was always placed, bit I’d rather it that way because it made me feel like I was following my intentions. 

Then I got older. 

It’s impossible. It truly is. No one in this world can survive on their own. I realize that this day. This very day. I got to where I got by myself…all by myself. I don’t care what anyone says they think they did for me. I did do it alone. But up to a certain relatively recent point in my life, I have been lucky enough to befriend people who have come to aid me in my shortcomings. I wouldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for them. 

And you thought I was a self-centered jackass before I said that last part didn’t you?

And then people wonder why I place my friends above my family. Hello….they are actually there for me when I need them….and I try to make sure their concerns are not one-sided. 

But I gotta say, today was especially hard because financial support is something I refused to receive aid on. And this was my life test today. I was put in a situation where I really needed it and I was given an offer by a good friend. I swallowed my “do it alone” addittude, reluctantly, and accepted. Lol because I knew I’d almost never recover from this one alone.

But I love how life smacks my loner self in the face and says “go be a part of everybody. you have more to offer as they have what you may need.” 

So for all you loners out there, trust me I was you. A certain part of me is still you. But don’t hold on to thinking you can solve all your problems alone. No one was meant to stay alone. Life will drown you. 

Everyone needs someone. 

Til next time. Stay frosty.