This is probably my most experimentally driven post I’ve ever written. All spurred by one movie. It’s interesting, I’ve created such a “thought bubble” in my head that usually movies or shows either accurately portray my mindset or depict what is already there, but I’ve chosen to subdue. Oh yeah, the movie was Flight with Denzel Washington…awesome movie. I started watching because I always wanted to see that flight scene, the pilot in me of course. I kept watching because Denzel’s character pulled me in and I was hooked.

The self-destruction, the unstable relationships, broken family, arrogance, justified arrogance, the one best friend keeping him above level albeit his drug dealer also lol. Look at the comparison to my life. The same on all points, except my best friend isn’t a drug dealer, but he is the one keeping me above level. The only difference is I could never let myself fall completely to the level he was at. I always had my very strict “black line” and refused to cross it. But why?

There was always a reason to stay afloat for someone. First time, I didn’t go through suicide because it would’ve destroyed my already fragile dad. The second time I couldn’t put my younger brothers through that in the end. I stay on the good and narrow now, not because I don’t have the means to delve into the underbelly of society, but because I’m constantly a model for people who have something wrong with them. I’m the one people come to as if I can fix anything because I keep it together..no demons in my closet.

A secret for some still, yes, but no demons. And I’ve had a hard life keeping it that way.

But as I was watching this man on the screen systematically destroy himself, at first it upset me, but then I was like “why don’t I do that”? “Why do I fight so hard to be everything for everyone?” It especially hit me when, as the woman walked away from the hanger, he yelled, “I embrace it, shit. I choose to drink…And I blame myself, I’m happy to. And you know why? Because I choose to drink.” He was touting himself as a person, whether through conscious effort or not, to have made the choice to be a drinker. He knew his relationship with his ex-wife and son was bad. His job was in jeopardy. The woman he was building a relationship with was leaving him. Yet he still drank.

Willingly spiral out of control.

Last year I tried to do so much on my own and I tried it all the good way. Kept it straightforward and honest. And when I kept messing up because I wasn’t ready, I didn’t let myself drown in my sorrows and self-pity. This year will be different. I’m modeling this to be the year I spiralled out of control just because I can, but will I be able to come back? I don’t want to stay under forever. How can I still be that guy to go to if I can’t recover? I’m sure being in that state of mind won’t be good to help anyone else. What if it feels so good to be bad, I won’t want to come back? Will there be someone stronger than me to save me? It took someone else’s good action being tarnished for him that Denzel’s character was able to break his destructive cycle. I don’t want to need something that drastic to bring me back from darkness.

But I want to be bad too much. I want to taste..feel it..live it..revel in it and let it take over me.

…but will there be someone stronger than me to save me?

Til next time. Stay frosty.