Boi Growing Up

Today I read that a 14 year old LGTBQ youth committed suicide and I just thought to myself, ” another one…” I understand I’m probably not the best person to be thinking that maybe this kid should’ve held on a little longer because honestly it’s lucky that I rerouted from that path myself..3 times.

Well maybe it wasn’t luck, maybe it was my close support network.

It’s been my observation that people only resort to suicide when they feel that there’s noone or nowhere to turn to. No more help for them to get. No place to go to escape the torment. No vent for the pressure. ..no other way.. I’ve been lucky. First time, I didn’t want to further upset my dad and I found a band that pulled me out(love you forever MCR). The second time, I was able to let my troubles be ignored so i could help my best friend, who I deemed needed me more than I needed myself. The third time, I got as far as the note I was going to leave behind, which happens to be on this site. Although, in the middle of writing it, I realized I couldn’t do it. My little brothers needed my guidance still and I’m not sure they’d be able to recover from that. And my little sis, there’s no way I could do that to her..especially after what she’s already been through.

So I guess it was that I was still “needed”. I still had a purpose and this all was just a test to make me stronger and appreciate my liberation when the test was all over. Any other way of thinking and that won’t turn out too well. I honestly believe I don’t need people in that supportive kind of way. I was born a loner, raised a loner, so underneath it all, that loner will always be there. Don’t get me wrong, I love my stepfam, my brothers, my sis, but I’m never fully comfortable unless I’m alone.

But not everyone is me. Not everyone can cope with being alone. Not everyone’s depression is that they want to be needed, but it’s that they need someone that isn’t there.

So I feel for these kids killing themselves because I know their pain. Not that we have the same pain cause, but that we were in the same position. Then my feelings get personal because these little dudes are the same age as my brothers. Granted, my brothers aren’t dealing with bullying because of their sexual orientation, as far as I know, but it makes me think. I make sure they know they can lay anything they want on me, no matter what I’m there for them and I’ve made sure in the past when they have come to me with things I was open and accepting and helpful(i guess that’t the word for it. I know there’s a better word I want to use.) But what if there was one thing they couldn’t come to me with? Would I notice if they felt the same way these kids did? Would I react in time to prevent this extreme from happening? See? Too personal.

But I should relax because they’re a happy bunch of 3 lol.

I wish these teens had a stronger support system. Maybe closer friends. Someone. Anyone to help them. It’s such a sad thing to have a child die so soon because life looked so bleak to them. It could also be my desire to help everyone that makes me so upset over this, but it’s still depressing.

R.I.P. all you young ones.

Til next time. Stay frosty.