I GUESS I AM THAT KINDOF BROTHER

Posted by ckashaan on May 21, 2012
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So in the previous post I was all like i’ll never walk away from my brother and now I have. Or rather im trying my damnedest to. It sucks because it’s hurting me this much and I know he’s upset too, but what am I supposed to do?

Besides..its not like i’ll never see him. Two of my other brothers live with him. I just have to get really good at making my mind erase him.

You gotta understand, i’m not the kindof person that let’s people in very often on a deeply personal level. …lol all of my veteran readers know this… In fact, i’m very much against it. I don’t trust easily because my emotional core being is probably my biggest weakness and I don’t like being vulnerable. Its easy for me to make friends, but im very picky because I believe in all or nothing.

But my vulnerability with those who are my family is a whole different level.

Its like a piece of me is gone. A major component that helps make me has been ripped off never to return gain. Well that’s how I look at it. I love my bro so much that if he really feels I’m that bad of a person, I will walk away. But to have him around so much is so painful because I have the memories. So I must make as if he doesn’t exist.

I even left the chain he gave me on his dresser last night.

It was all just a dream. It never happened. I never met him. I will go to work and his name will just be another random kid in the program.But now I have to decide whether I change my tattoo or not. Because when I was going to get my 2nd one, in 12days lol, I was going to have all my little brothers’ initials added on my side. Do I omit him or do I just make that the last action I take as his older brother?

Just for the record, he was always the one that stressed me out the most. That’s how insanely much I love him.

Til next time. Stay frosty.

p.s. hi kenneth. U tweeted me as I was doing this part lol.

CONFLICT RESOLUTION?

Posted by ckashaan on May 21, 2012
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So where to begin? I can’t even say it has been a while, because its been wayyy longer than a while since i’ve last posted. I just hope I can keep my thoughts coherent because it’s not raining and you know I write clearer in the rain lol. But as usual something has gone wrong to just overflow my bucket of stress and I have to pour it somewhere.

I don’t know. I guess my question is: at what point do you confront someone who’s upset with you and when do you just let them fix on their own? What if that decision is biased by the fact you can’t risk losing them? What if they are the closest people to you? What if you can’t understand or reach them?

I, ladies and gentlemen, have gotten the rare pleasure of hearing the words “you are no longer my brother” twice this week now. Its a little annoying, kinda like “will you get over yourself”, and tiring to deal with. I have 5 brothers. 1 older and 4 younger. 1 of which is a baby. So of the 3 influential younger ones, I have a perfect relationship with 2 of them and I can’t figure out how to be perfect with the last one. I’ve tried spoiling, tough love….alot of older brother tough love…., and plain old indifference. I love them 2 death so much so im getting their initials in my next tattoo.

Yaaay tattoo in 2 weeks!!!!

But I can’t read him like I used 2 when he was younger. Puberty is driving me crazy with him and I knew it would, but I didn’t think this much. And honestly with no biological relation at all between us, I can walk away and my life wouldn’t be that bad. I only have 1 brother out of 6 siblings that i have a blood relation with by the way.

..but now what kind of person am I?

I truly would be the worst brother in the world. Sad truth is, I’ve done it before. We were in this situation, he decided to not acknowledge me anymore, I said ok, it was done. Then he breaks down and claims he still needs me. Im saying ok again, but I think this time im going to just ask for a second chance or something. I mean damn, I diverted my life in a pretty major way just because he couldn’t handle me moving to another state. Well it was more like a country lol.

..how ’bout them dumplings? (A reference to what country I was going to lol)

I just would like to know what to do. Maybe a hint. A frigging sign of sorts. Id hate to give up, but im such an over-the-top pacifist that I divert away from conflict. This is conflict..but also my brother. So I guess im conflicted.

Til next time. Stay frosty.

Losing Hope..

Posted by ckashaan on January 22, 2012
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Today I read that a 14 year old LGTBQ youth committed suicide and I just thought to myself, ” another one…” I understand I’m probably not the best person to be thinking that maybe this kid should’ve held on a little longer because honestly it’s lucky that I rerouted from that path myself..3 times.

Well maybe it wasn’t luck, maybe it was my close support network.

It’s been my observation that people only resort to suicide when they feel that there’s noone or nowhere to turn to. No more help for them to get. No place to go to escape the torment. No vent for the pressure. ..no other way.. I’ve been lucky. First time, I didn’t want to further upset my dad and I found a band that pulled me out(love you forever MCR). The second time, I was able to let my troubles be ignored so i could help my best friend, who I deemed needed me more than I needed myself. The third time, I got as far as the note I was going to leave behind, which happens to be on this site. Although, in the middle of writing it, I realized I couldn’t do it. My little brothers needed my guidance still and I’m not sure they’d be able to recover from that. And my little sis, there’s no way I could do that to her..especially after what she’s already been through.

So I guess it was that I was still “needed”. I still had a purpose and this all was just a test to make me stronger and appreciate my liberation when the test was all over. Any other way of thinking and that won’t turn out too well. I honestly believe I don’t need people in that supportive kind of way. I was born a loner, raised a loner, so underneath it all, that loner will always be there. Don’t get me wrong, I love my stepfam, my brothers, my sis, but I’m never fully comfortable unless I’m alone.

But not everyone is me. Not everyone can cope with being alone. Not everyone’s depression is that they want to be needed, but it’s that they need someone that isn’t there.

So I feel for these kids killing themselves because I know their pain. Not that we have the same pain cause, but that we were in the same position. Then my feelings get personal because these little dudes are the same age as my brothers. Granted, my brothers aren’t dealing with bullying because of their sexual orientation, as far as I know, but it makes me think. I make sure they know they can lay anything they want on me, no matter what I’m there for them and I’ve made sure in the past when they have come to me with things I was open and accepting and helpful(i guess that’t the word for it. I know there’s a better word I want to use.) But what if there was one thing they couldn’t come to me with? Would I notice if they felt the same way these kids did? Would I react in time to prevent this extreme from happening? See? Too personal.

But I should relax because they’re a happy bunch of 3 lol.

I wish these teens had a stronger support system. Maybe closer friends. Someone. Anyone to help them. It’s such a sad thing to have a child die so soon because life looked so bleak to them. It could also be my desire to help everyone that makes me so upset over this, but it’s still depressing.

R.I.P. all you young ones.

Til next time. Stay frosty.

Living It Up

Posted by ckashaan on January 15, 2012
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Well, it’s about that time again. It’s been about 2 years since my last meaningful post and I must say i miss it here. It doesnt happen to be raining as is the setting oh so many times while i write, but a nice quiet night at my little brothers’ house is sufficient enough.

Well what have you missed?

I’m still out of school, Im still at my job….up for another promotion though, the new assistant director of my office…., my tutoring business is kicking off well and making me alot money although it’s majorly time consuming..kinda hard to keep my weekends open, and last but not least..I’m still single lol.

C’mon, you all expected that one..

But that is my resolution for this year hopefully. I would like someone nice and kind, but not too mellow. I like my fun yo. And i most definitely don’t want to end up like Jonathan and unable to be single ever. Lol i love sex, but I’m not fond of the commitments..

Had some parting of ways with a really good friend of mine from work. I miss her alot and I hope she’s doing alright. She was my road-dog lol.

But for now I’m just living it up. Running around like a madman doing what I want, when I want, with whomever I want. I stay happy and try to keep those close to me happy. ..Even though a certain person is kinda stressing me the hell out. (He happens to be right here as I’m typing this).

Til the next time I’m back here vibing on this screen, flowing with words, feeling with the sounds of my keyboard, I hope all you people “stay frosty” as I always my posts with. Lets have a good run together while I rebuild and renew my passion for the literary lifestyle.

END OF AN AGE

Posted by ckashaan on December 4, 2010
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I gotta say my sporadic posting isn’t good, but it’s better than nothing I suppose. I do had this nagging thin on my mind and it must be released. Frequently changing my facebook status isn’t helping at all, although it’s the only way to communicate to all my friends at once. 

Recently, I’m not sure what made my mind go to this, the desire to re-enlist to the air force was flared up. I then researched everything I needed, looked up all the information necessary, and did an in depth future planning way deeper a couple of years ago. I’ve decided that I’m gonna leave and join to be a pilot. 

The hardest part wasn’t the obstacles that would be in front of me, because this also solves every problem I currently have, but it was who I’m leaving behind that choked me up the most. I even kinda cry when I think about them. The first prob it fixes is my finances and perhaps this is the most important one. I’m out there forced to live extremely low maintenance and paid nicely compared to now. Id be out of debt, gain the ability to pay back my friends, and build my savings up all before I’m halfway through basic training. Finally I’d lose that worry. Also I get to be a pilot. I’ve always had this dream since I was little. To be up in the sky, engaged in dances among the clouds, coming home after my brush with death victorious for my country. The ultimate team win which is an amplification of my spirit leans. Finally I’m away from home. I’m away from everyone. I get to be fully independent with the means to be as such. No one to stop me from living me. 

But what is the cost? I’m away from my best friend. The one who’s been with me through it all and who I’d hope to grow old alongside with. 

Did I mention I didn’t plan on coming back?

It’s almost like I’m abandoning him. Well he sure made it sound that way, intentionally or not. Then you have my brothers. 

Dear god I never thought I’d ever had younger siblings, albeit non-hemoglobal, to take into consideration. The only ones who truely have the power to change my mind which is precisely why I’m not telling them until the contract is signed. I love them too much to go through something that would hurt them after seeing the actual affect of my decision. It needs to be at the point where there’s nothing I can do. I love how their mom said my oldest bro would think it’s cool, but the you get ones won’t really understand. He really will think it’s freaking cool lol. 

I’m not really worried about my parents because getting away from them and their drama was part of this decision anyway. As harsh as that sounds, it’s true. I’m just so relieved my stepmom wasn’t overly adamant about me not going and she understood my decision because that might’ve changed my mind right there. The turn of events just keeps telling me to keep going. I only got one person to tell before I sign with a recruiter(because then I ship out the next Tuesday lol) and that’s my auntie. Dangerously close to my mom knowing before I’m leaving, but I think she should know ahead. 

But I’m really fucking high maintenance, the gay crap can be put aside because that’s not a prob(DADT). I’m just REALLY high maintenance lol. That adjustment gonna be hard, but I want this bad enough. I only got one promise to fulfill, then I’m gone. 

Next post will be my final decision to leave or not and my departure date, if any.

Til next time. Stay frosty. 

HAVING TO FORGIVE

Posted by ckashaan on November 9, 2010
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So I take my friend to manhattan to drop her off at skool. I walk to 42nd cuz it’s where i usually catch the train, but I also wanted to use the bathroom at port authority lol. Then I didn’t want to to home yet so I decided to walk down to 14th. Mayb I’d see my friend there and i figured it b a nice walk. 

Let me tell you this: the walk between 34th and 23rd is freaking boring. There is nothing there to look at. 

But I got to thinking about the feelings I was holding towards this person at work. It’s stupid. So the man tried to instigate a rumor about me, is that enough reason to hate his guts? Not really. 

Well, I didn’t think that way before. Maybe it was the heat I accumulated from the walk lol. 

Recently I forced myself to be nice to him for my lite brother’s sake since he wanted to join the basketball team. I’d rather not make anything tense for him. …me trying to be a good bro… I decided it really isn’t that hard to forgive him. Maybe we can’t be best buds, but at least there’s no hard feelings to stress us out. 

So there. I’ve decided to be cool with you. Maybe it’ll take some time to be fully comfortable with him, but at least I’m trying. 

Btw….the atmosphere at union square at night is amazing. I really do wish I had an apartment out here in manhattan. I love it here. 

Til next time. Stay frosty.