I gotta say my sporadic posting isn’t good, but it’s better than nothing I suppose. I do had this nagging thin on my mind and it must be released. Frequently changing my facebook status isn’t helping at all, although it’s the only way to communicate to all my friends at once. 

Recently, I’m not sure what made my mind go to this, the desire to re-enlist to the air force was flared up. I then researched everything I needed, looked up all the information necessary, and did an in depth future planning way deeper a couple of years ago. I’ve decided that I’m gonna leave and join to be a pilot. 

The hardest part wasn’t the obstacles that would be in front of me, because this also solves every problem I currently have, but it was who I’m leaving behind that choked me up the most. I even kinda cry when I think about them. The first prob it fixes is my finances and perhaps this is the most important one. I’m out there forced to live extremely low maintenance and paid nicely compared to now. Id be out of debt, gain the ability to pay back my friends, and build my savings up all before I’m halfway through basic training. Finally I’d lose that worry. Also I get to be a pilot. I’ve always had this dream since I was little. To be up in the sky, engaged in dances among the clouds, coming home after my brush with death victorious for my country. The ultimate team win which is an amplification of my spirit leans. Finally I’m away from home. I’m away from everyone. I get to be fully independent with the means to be as such. No one to stop me from living me. 

But what is the cost? I’m away from my best friend. The one who’s been with me through it all and who I’d hope to grow old alongside with. 

Did I mention I didn’t plan on coming back?

It’s almost like I’m abandoning him. Well he sure made it sound that way, intentionally or not. Then you have my brothers. 

Dear god I never thought I’d ever had younger siblings, albeit non-hemoglobal, to take into consideration. The only ones who truely have the power to change my mind which is precisely why I’m not telling them until the contract is signed. I love them too much to go through something that would hurt them after seeing the actual affect of my decision. It needs to be at the point where there’s nothing I can do. I love how their mom said my oldest bro would think it’s cool, but the you get ones won’t really understand. He really will think it’s freaking cool lol. 

I’m not really worried about my parents because getting away from them and their drama was part of this decision anyway. As harsh as that sounds, it’s true. I’m just so relieved my stepmom wasn’t overly adamant about me not going and she understood my decision because that might’ve changed my mind right there. The turn of events just keeps telling me to keep going. I only got one person to tell before I sign with a recruiter(because then I ship out the next Tuesday lol) and that’s my auntie. Dangerously close to my mom knowing before I’m leaving, but I think she should know ahead. 

But I’m really fucking high maintenance, the gay crap can be put aside because that’s not a prob(DADT). I’m just REALLY high maintenance lol. That adjustment gonna be hard, but I want this bad enough. I only got one promise to fulfill, then I’m gone. 

Next post will be my final decision to leave or not and my departure date, if any.

Til next time. Stay frosty.