UNDER MY BLANKET

Posted by ckashaan on January 15, 2013
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I cry for him, my little brother. On the inside though because you all know I can’t let that stuff out on a regular basis. I saw him today in a state which I’ve now seen him in too much since he got in high school. Maybe this is his time to be going through pure chaos, maybe there’s something underlying I’m missing, or maybe we’re just seeing how much power I have in the world.

I am his safety net. I’ve fixed the problems that blew up in his face. I’ve stopped the fights that were coming to him. I’ve even put my reputation out there and delved into my popularity to give him a “leg up” on the social ladder. Obviously I’m willing to do anything for him, but there is a downside to this I’m noticing. It’s not that I’m his problem fixer because I do teach him how to not make the same mistakes again and he’s learned, it just be different things every friggin time. I think the downside is an illusion is possibly forming of how far I can stretch to make him untouchable.

I’m glad he feels he can come to me no matter what it is and ask for help. I make sure all my brothers understand this, even if they are in trouble or did something wrong. But I think it’s also because they think that I’m the invincible older brother that can beat anything. I haven’t failed at any problem for them yet, but I feel as if I’m approaching my limits. As if I hit my limit long ago, but I keep getting lucky. The “brother who gets lucky” is not as capable as the “brother who is unstoppable”. I never want to fail him, but I have to push harder and harder to fight for him because it is always something bigger lol.

But even if I wanted to just let his shit fall and keep falling on him and not do anything while he collapses, which I would never do, I can’t because he’s my twin. Albeit 7 yrs younger than me, but born exactly on my birthday and you can’t deny the similarities between us…just in different stages. Which is probably why I can always fix his problems, I have an acquired advantage lol. You know how you hear twins speak of that “twin-telepathy/empathy” stuff? I didnt believe it until I got a twin bro. We’re not reading eachother’s minds full time lol, although we really do, but we allways feel what the other is feeling. And I can’t stand when he is depressed because I get depressed. When he’s mad, I get mad. But when he’s happy, I be in some unexplainable good mood lol..those times are few and far between lately though.

I don’t what to do. I felt his emotions through him way before he even came to work today, but I don’t know how to fix this. I’m not sure I can. I’m his big brother superman, but maybe kryptonite is being discovered in increasing quatities around me.

We need to take our birthday trip this year far away. Could use the vacation. I’m already saving lol.

Til next time. Stay frosty.

A BIT OF MEDITATION

Posted by ckashaan on January 8, 2013
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I figured I’d share a bit of wisdom with you all. Not that I’m some sort of guru now, but it helps to spread what you learn to help others.

So my meditation trainer’s topic of reflection was “happiness never decreases by being shared”. I think it’s one of the few things that doesn’t get smaller when divided. Maybe there might be something else, but I can’t think of anything right now lol. But think about it. You are happy. You make others happy, it grows just by distribution. Now did it make you less happy from spreading it to others? Nope. It rejuvenates its volume inside you. So no loss on your part, if you’re a normal human being and you like to see other people happy.

If you don’t, then this lesson doesn’t apply to you.

…..not one bit so stop reading now lol.

On the otherside. There is a way to facilitate its depletion..if you hold it inside you. The very opposite of sharing you selfish bastard. Firstly, there is no growth from sharing because it doesn’t get transferred from you to others. Secondly, keeping yourself happy involves a lot of ever-changing energies. What do I mean by that? Like how greed is the cause of suffering?..lol. Food makes you happy, until you become unhealthy and sick then you suffer..decreasing happiness. Money makes you happy, until you have so much you worry about losing it or you destroy yourself to acquire it all..decreasing happiness. Sex makes you happy, until you can no longer do the action..decreasing happiness. Seeing others fail makes you happy, until you fail yourself..decreasing happiness again.

Need I continue?

One of the things I love about Buddhism is the promotion of giving unto others. Spread good energy throughout to help others along in the world. Happiness is one of those things to give that takes very little effort. But why then do so many not practice this concept? Maybe because they are too wrapped up spending energy to keep themselves happy. I hope they see the endless cycle they’ve been coerced into following by general masses before them.

Give to receive. Share to grow. Love and be loved.

Til next time. Stay frosty.

I AM WHO I AM. I GIVE BECAUSE I AM.

Posted by ckashaan on January 4, 2013
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So I saw this woman on the bus with her baby last night. She was looking so ragged. Not like dirty or anything, but like tired..exhausted..exasperated..energy depleted yet still pushing forward. And this was like 10pm so you know she had a long day. It led me thinking about my own mom and other moms and how tough it is being a single mom or devoting yourself to your kids.

..I went into a little mini rant on my twitter/facebook that I’m not going to repeat here. Way too long.

But the conclusion that it lead me to, I was reminded of on my way home this night from work. Im riding the train, late at night, by myself, crossing 3 boroughs. This is something my little brothers have yet to do, I’ve been traveling like this since I was in the 6th grade.

Can’t touch my independence level lol.

But had I had a different life. Had I not have been through 2 divorces(which I wrote a paper about and how it shaped my personality and ideals now). Had I had those “always there” parents. Had I not been on my own for as long as I can remember.

..Had I gotten more affectionate love.

I wouldn’t be this independant. I wouldn’t be this self-sufficient. I wouldn’t be this equipped to be on my own. As I always say, “I work best alone.” I definitely wouldn’t take care of my brothers in the way I do now. Because they are the kids with those “always there” parents. They got it pretty easy with not wanting for anything, but pretty hard when it comes to street smarts and growing up.

And I’m sure that’s where I come in.

I did it alone so I know what’s out there waiting and I teach them what to look out for and understanding certain things. But even past that, I tell them everytime I see them “I love you and I’m always here.” I didn’t always hear it when I was younger, but maybe it was better that way..for me anyway. I grew up without attachments. I grew up really understanding and appreciating that phrase that so many people take for granted. I grew up able to be comfortable with myself away from “the nest”. Maybe I’m an emotional cripple to some, but I’m extremely loving to that special few. If I wasn’t who I am, I wouldn’t have seen and experienced so much at such a young age.

I work best alone.

I know I’m a little off from where I started, but if you read my rant you’ll understand how I connected all this lol.

But I guess being alone helped me love others. Or rather appreciate the love of others. And I don’t cheaply throw my emotions around. Those I love, know it for certain. Those I love, have no doubt.

With those I love, I am that woman on the bus with her baby. I will utterly devote myself to you and when I have nothing left, I will push out some more. All because of my distant childhood.

Thank you to my parents, you don’t know truely how much that means to me now. What a power you’ve inadvertently laid upon me.

Til next time. Stay frosty.

NO MUSIC

Posted by ckashaan on December 31, 2012
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This will be a post without music so if my thoughts go a little off tangent, please do forgive me. I had to go and leave my headphones at work.

But I guess that’s what the theme for this year is, “The Year Without Music”, because that’s what it felt like. The songs I play while I’m doing anything help focus my energy and I succeed. Without it, I tend to be all over the place. Many ups and downs.

…and there were a lot of ups and downs this year.

Ups…I got another promotion at work, albeit just a formality, it came with some perks I guess. My dad had a baby so I end my streak as a biological only child, which could be good or bad lol. Got my first trip to Fright Fest courtesy of Washy’s mom, it was awesome. Me and Anthony started our birthday tradition this year.

Downs…taxes suck. Mikey broke his leg, not to mention we had a major momentary falling out. Almost got into a fight with some high school seniors because of Anthony lol. Went into a not-so-pleasant relationship that led me to do something I thought I never would. My computer got infected..badly. My Xbox broke. Oh then got another Xbox and it got RRoD. Got into 2 disputs at work with coworkers. I now owned a car for 2 months that costs me too much to drive now. Got my first parking ticket. Almost literally fought/had jumped a coworker for messing with Anthony, who now kisses Anthony’s butt lol. That makes me laugh everytime. And my rent went up. Oh and I’m still not back in school.

That “downs” section was way longer than the “ups” one.

This was just the year I thought I was grown enough, decided to walk on my own, and a lot of things fell apart for me. 2013 will be the year I crawl back, incubate to grow some more, then come back and do it all again. I house a dragon soul. Dragons don’t stay down. We spit fire on that which oppose us, scoff at that which is a waste of time, and are only tolerant of that which is worthy.

But as much as this year sucked, I do have a couple of shoutouts. Because honestly without you, I wouldn’t have been able to get through it.

My little brothers’ mom, love you so much. I’m not your son, but still you take care of me and help me through everything. I swear I turn into my inner teenager whenever I’m with you.

My sister, I don’t know who I would be without you. I did some major stupid stuff this year, but you always had my back. Even though I didn’t follow your advice, you still supported me while telling me off about it lol. And I’ll be seeing you soon, I just hope I’m not walking into a beating.

Next year will be a quiet one. Also, it’ll be an expensive one, but quiet. Too much turbulence this year. I’m the kind of guy who likes things to be stable..I hate change lol.

Til next time. Stay frosty.

DIFFERENT BREED

Posted by ckashaan on December 18, 2012
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Working in Queens for so long and living there brielfy, I’ve come to truely see that we from Brooklyn are of a different breed.

I had an interesting meeting with my boss. I thought it was going to be about the recent things that have been happening in my group of kids, but it turned to be about my static with a coworker of mine. Now I really dont like him. Like I can’t stand his guts, but I deal with him because my little brother decided to be in his volunteer program…love you anyway Anthony. We had an issue years ago that evolved into a personal one. Then some stuff with my brother a couple of months ago made me want to kick his ass…also love you again Anthony for stopping me. So there will always be tension between us, but I deal professionally. Plus I love how my boss got honest with me and was like I can’t beat him here because he has the personal relationship advantage. I got mad respect for that man.

But there’s that difference between me from the rest of these fools. I do indeed go hard for what I believe and won’t back down for it. Brooklynites, we either squash shit as if it never happened or we kicking ass…always definitively. Out here its “lets make an agreement and compromise.” I cant run with that.

Hence why I met with him after the meeting with my boss.

But this marks the beginning of the end for me at this job. Theres only so much I can take with them and I’m going crazy. Hopefully I get a higher paying job before the summer and don’t have to keep working there. …because Mikey and Anthony got me taking them on 2 seperate expensive ass trips so I cant just quit lol…

Just a couple more months of eating this shit then I get to walk away. Never look back. I need a new start somewhere.

Til next time. Stay frosty.

ON THE F TRAIN

Posted by ckashaan on December 6, 2012
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As I take the long way home, a trip that I love so much, I find myself in a nice bubble of thought.

I hate my coworkers. I have insane seperation anxiety. I’m incredibly lazy. I’m vastly intelligent. I pictured the end of my relationship and I did it perfectly..but I kinda miss his personality being around. I don’t wanna sleep around anymore. I’d be depressed a lot more if it wasn’t for video games. Im depressed. Im in a situation where in order for me to change, I’d have to disrupt multiple relationships I care about. I love my cellphone. I’d kill for a bmw..yes literally I’d do it no hesitation. I’m a bhuddist, but i’m a bad one..well not a perfect one and enlightenment is a very long and hard process. I hate my life, but it could be so much worse.

And last, but not least, I still work best alone.

My mind takes me to very far away places and random thoughts, but I still stay in reality. We all have so many things about us or in our lives we don’t particularly enjoy. I don’t like change. Well it’s not that I don’t like change, but it’s more I take the path that requires least change and resistence. One example…Instead of pushing hard to find a new job that pays me more and more hours, I game with my best friend because it’s our way to be with eachother and I don’t want to leave my little brothers at my job(we have some cute new pictures together I have to put in the pic section).

Lately I’ve just been coasting. Im so not happy, but I feel smothered by my world around me that I can’t move to fix anything.

What do you do when you’re in a hole? A hole you’ve dug. A hole you’ve dug too deep to get back out. I thought it was going to take me out to the other side of the world, but I hit the dense core and feel like I can’t go on.

Til next time. Stay frosty.