Love is not something I hand out easily. It takes a whole lot to trust enough to be able to let my guard down and expose my soft interior. My love is a degree further beyond that, but the spanse is far away. So far away that “on the horizon” doesn’t apply here. Unreachable by any conceivable means, but when you hit it…it’s more the impact to myself that I have to brace myself for. Continue Reading
We all have something that primarily makes up our drive. Something in this world, whether it be inside and of ourselves or an external factor, pushes us to carry on with everyday life. It pushes us to be something greater. Even to make a sacrifice. A sacrifice is just a price we voluntarily pay for a cause we deem worthy.
I think my worthy cause is my brothers. Continue Reading
Listening to “Shopaholic” by Epik High while on the way home and a line in the song really stuck out to me. It was in the midst of the lyrics cycling between korean and english. The line was “..but you can’t but love or happiness.” That aroused a vivid mental emotional response. I will wholeheartedly agree that you can’t buy love with money. I concede in that argument all the way. You can definitely influence others into feeling something like love for you with money, but not actual genuine emotion. What you will not do, is sit there and tell me money can’t buy you happiness.
That I do not concede to. Continue Reading
A midday post. Why not? I can’t always wait until I’m all brooding in the middle of the night to put thought to screen. Sometimes it comes to me in the daylight.
I had a great few hours with my Marshmallow today. “Marshmallow” is what I call my 14 year old brother..because he’s small and chubby, soft, and just makes you happy like a marshmallow. I made some time in my itinerary to surprise my brother and drive up to his school and pick him up. I bought him lunch, and we went to Gamestop to get him something before I brought him home.
The hug I got was awesome. Continue Reading
I had a much different post intended for later today, but as I was scrolling through my Instagram subscription feed as I so love to do (follow me at ckashaan and link to my profile on top), I came across the cutest picture of this couple and I was inspired to jot down a thought or two. In this picture one person is just laying in bed, bundled in the covers, looking at the camera and the other is serving up a kiss on the cheek with pure side-eye cuteness. Ahh, to be young in love. It’s the most precious depiction of a morning from a couple totally “head over heals” for each other.
And it is exactly what I want. Continue Reading
So I saw this woman on the bus with her baby last night. She was looking so ragged. Not like dirty or anything, but like tired..exhausted..exasperated..energy depleted yet still pushing forward. And this was like 10pm so you know she had a long day. It led me thinking about my own mom and other moms and how tough it is being a single mom or devoting yourself to your kids.
..I went into a little mini rant on my twitter/facebook that I’m not going to repeat here. Way too long.
But the conclusion that it lead me to, I was reminded of on my way home this night from work. Im riding the train, late at night, by myself, crossing 3 boroughs. This is something my little brothers have yet to do, I’ve been traveling like this since I was in the 6th grade.
Can’t touch my independence level lol.
But had I had a different life. Had I not have been through 2 divorces(which I wrote a paper about and how it shaped my personality and ideals now). Had I had those “always there” parents. Had I not been on my own for as long as I can remember.
..Had I gotten more affectionate love.
I wouldn’t be this independant. I wouldn’t be this self-sufficient. I wouldn’t be this equipped to be on my own. As I always say, “I work best alone.” I definitely wouldn’t take care of my brothers in the way I do now. Because they are the kids with those “always there” parents. They got it pretty easy with not wanting for anything, but pretty hard when it comes to street smarts and growing up.
And I’m sure that’s where I come in.
I did it alone so I know what’s out there waiting and I teach them what to look out for and understanding certain things. But even past that, I tell them everytime I see them “I love you and I’m always here.” I didn’t always hear it when I was younger, but maybe it was better that way..for me anyway. I grew up without attachments. I grew up really understanding and appreciating that phrase that so many people take for granted. I grew up able to be comfortable with myself away from “the nest”. Maybe I’m an emotional cripple to some, but I’m extremely loving to that special few. If I wasn’t who I am, I wouldn’t have seen and experienced so much at such a young age.
I work best alone.
I know I’m a little off from where I started, but if you read my rant you’ll understand how I connected all this lol.
But I guess being alone helped me love others. Or rather appreciate the love of others. And I don’t cheaply throw my emotions around. Those I love, know it for certain. Those I love, have no doubt.
With those I love, I am that woman on the bus with her baby. I will utterly devote myself to you and when I have nothing left, I will push out some more. All because of my distant childhood.
Thank you to my parents, you don’t know truely how much that means to me now. What a power you’ve inadvertently laid upon me.
Til next time. Stay frosty.