I had a much different post intended for later today, but as I was scrolling through my Instagram subscription feed as I so love to do (follow me at ckashaan and link to my profile on top), I came across the cutest picture of this couple and I was inspired to jot down a thought or two. In this picture one person is just laying in bed, bundled in the covers, looking at the camera and the other is serving up a kiss on the cheek with pure side-eye cuteness. Ahh, to be young in love. It’s the most precious depiction of a morning from a couple totally “head over heals” for each other.
And it is exactly what I want.
I look at this picture, it’s still up on my phone as I type this, and I get all these feelings of envy…for lack of an immediate better word to my brain. I want that so bad. To wake up, look over, and smile because I have someone that makes me happy and I want to be with. Not a relationship of the physical, but one of emotion and intimacy. I want to be excited that I’m going to see the person that I call mine. I want to blow off my best friend because I have an impromptu date that I must attend. I want a relationship where the rest of the world disappears and it’s just us.
I want this picture.
I seem to be missing the key component in my head that allows me to open up and accept this in my relationships. I get in my own way somehow and it doesn’t go so well. I think I’m just really picky or insanely particular or maybe the perfect relationship I truly want is so unattainable that it’ll never happen. The “perfect relationship” is maybe a state of being so abstract it’s not of this universe. Such an imaginary concept, it can’t be realistically experienced.
But I want this picture.
Maybe subconsciously my mind has already assumed this will never happen so it just sticks to going with the physical interactions because if I hold out for a meaningful one, I’ll die from waiting lol. And trust me, I do not catch feelings from any of my “friends with benefits”, but I have fell in love after high school. Maybe even twice, but that could be just my regret of how things ended. That was the first time anyone has ever cried over me in front of me.
We could’ve been that picture
I think I’m sensitive enough to make an emotional connection. I actually am, but it’s so hard because I have my guard up at all times. I don’t let anything out. Writing really has been the only way I keep my head from overflowing. Well that and handball. A good day playing at the park is like a full mental purge. It’s weird though. If I look at every relationship where I came close to letting myself dive in deep and be open to this blissful full connection to another human being, I concoct some reason to pull away. For example, once I rejected someone because they wouldn’t try sushi, but the person who I’m still hooked on doesn’t even touch all seafood. See the ridiculous hypocrisies that live in my head?
I blame this all on how I lost my virginity lol and it’s why I tell my younger brothers to hold out as long as you can until you find someone really special. I’m not going into that story today though. That’s for another time.
Am I too pessimistic? Maybe I’m so tired of trying that I’ve just given up. Maybe it’s the trying that’s giving me such a dim outlook. I still have faith that my goal will happen. To be living happily married with 2 lovely adopted kids that give us a headache, but we love so much. And we have a doggy. We have to have a doggy. I don’t even need my own separate car as long as we have a doggy.
Til next time. Stay frosty.