TRIALS AND SUPPOSEDLY MIXED SIGNALS

Posted by ckashaan on June 4, 2009
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well its been a while since my last post. well thats not true: its been a while since i was on xanga . i swear me and this site have one of those on and off relationships. no matter how much i luv being here and spilling my uttermost deepest thoughts, i cant seem to stay with consistency. like im addicted for a month, then the next couple of weeks im gone. life keeps pulling me away, but my love for this place keeps bringing me bac.

but onto the trial section of this title. i tried so hard to avoid turning this semester into a repeat of my freshman yr of highschool. and i did. im almost ashamed to say i messed up this bad. like i let down my entire csi yr by being such a bad example. “shame on u cory” especially since i started off so good last semester and the beginning of this semester. i guess i began to lose it when i lost track of wut i wanted to do with my life. engineering seemed to fit me so right, then i started tutoring more heavily plus missing my job with the kids. i figured teaching(which was my second choice major) fit me perfectly too. the thought of planning the rest of my life became exhausting. and because brooklyn college is a liberal arts school, im not forced to do one over the other cuz it has both my majors.

probably my mind just said “u kno ur about living stress free, so lets get ur mind off ur stressors”. and then it started. i just looked for evry excuse to input as much fun into my life as possible. hanging out wit my best buddies and payin no attention to skool. ironically i was working as much as possible though, cuz i friggin love employment. just kept digging a deeper whole….and this was my trial.

and as u ppl kno from my earlier posts….i failed horribly.

now for the mixed signals. i guess one thing i should say is this: i assumed being gay gave me sum unconditional license to be uber nice and no grl would ever think that i was just being friendly and i didnt want anything in return. but i guess i forgot that they actually have to kno this little fact. and this is y the action of coming out is never completed cuz u have to tell evry person u become slightly close with or else its like living a lie forever.

speaking of….i still havent told either of my parents. i think soon ill tell me my mom, but tellin my dad seems almost unfathomable.

anyway, i get it. u expect a guy is into cuz he’s uber nice and stuff, but shouldnt one of u at least discuss dating b4 u assume that ur on one? am i wrong to think this? i dont wanna b out of line. and afterwards when i thought about it she totally treated it like a date even though i specifically specified it wasnt. c y i dont do grls anymore?…u dont get as much emotional attachment randomness wit guys. even when i think about it now, im upset. ive had ppl abuse my kindness b4, but this is a first. use me personality to corner me into a relationship that i didnt c coming.

dont get me wrong, not all grls r like this. take my bestie adaiah for example. i was the same way with her and look how we turned out. luv her 4ever, although i have a gut feeling sumthin bad is gonna happen that i shouldve been ready for.

part of me wants to b a dick and just say “i dont like u. this is crazy. im gay and u have no chance with me ever so get over it” end it there. but my stupid, naive, gotta b the nice guy side just wants sum way to ease out of this pleasantly. mixed signals my ass, she made them__. and this is an instance where ill say my niceness is a curse rather than an acquired gift.

u kno wut?…this could b a trial too: how does cory escape this with his sanity?

til next time. stay frosty

p.s. i miss u adaiah and jason soooo much. i wanna go baq to skool already.

HAPPY ENDINGS….WELL IT LOOKS THAT WAY

Posted by ckashaan on May 11, 2009
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its funny how life seems to 180 sumtimes. u can totally have evrything going bad for u and then it turns around and  evrything is positive. like wtf. do i really need all this constant stressing and destressing? am i suppose to go insane.

but anyway, within 2 posts….im un-mad at one friend cuz we cleared up wut happened with the tlkin behind my back thing. im cool with the “leave me out” friend. he was just being a forgetful douche.(i still gotta call him a douche for a while). but i still got 2 things on my mind. obviously im not stressful panicing yet or else i wouldnt have said life was makin a 180.

but one, my tooth is loose. like omg, do u kno how old i am? its one of my permanent ones. and no it wasnt from eating candy and not brushing my teeth or sumthin stupid. i had a root canal and the temp fillin came out, ate a piece of hard bread….u figure out the rest. it was funny cuz i felt pain and im like “there’s no f-ing nerve there. y is there pain?” then i realized it was pain in my gum cuz the tooth was pushed up with so much force. so now its loose and its gonna come out soon, i hope. i would just leave it out but its in my “smile zone” so as soon as it comes out, im getting an implant, cuz i will not have any gaps….or denchers. but implants r freakin expensive.

next thing….

ok mayb this is a little worrying, but if its one thing life taught me, its that neve jump to assume sumthing cuz youll end up stressing over nothing. but this feels like sumthing.

so my friend, the “insult me in my face” friend, recently made a xanga page and sounded….upset. well his son and ex were moving away and felt an extreme betrayal by his bf so its understandable. but then his 2nd and last post tlkd about droppin them off at the airport and bein overly upset and wanting a way out. i read this after he didnt show up for class this morning and didnt answer my text so u can imagine i panicked a little. but i checked facebook, no activity since friday. no footprints from his page since saturday(the day of his post). and he’s not picking up my or our other friend’s calls. i would just b thinkin he needed time alone, but he mentioned suicide b4, so obviously it never left his mind.

but im trying not to panic. oh plz just let sumone tell me im overreacting.

oh and lol i played a mean trick(well i helped play) on my bestie’s boyfriend today. it was mean, but it was a hella good payback for wut he did to me at the movies.

til next time. stay frosty.

MAYB IM JUST BETTER OFF ALONE

Posted by ckashaan on May 9, 2009
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wow it seems like its been a while since ive come to u xanga on happier terms, but it just might b a little longer so hang in there. well gosh i might as well start off happy right? well im super stoked bout jonny movin in…whenever he decides he’s ready…i already got room for his stuff ready. just my over-preparedness kickin in.

umm wut else?

oh i found out i may actually have a chance at holdin my gpa for this semester, cuz i was gettin worried. as long as i do ok on the final, my grade will b fine.

no for the shit-list.

i guess my biggest issue right now is my friends. oh and not just random ppl i hang out with who i just happen to call my friend. no no no… im tlkin bout the ppl i consider extremely close to me. i have one insulting me to my face, which i at least respect, and another tlkin about me behind my back, which i think is worse. then i have another one leaving me out of important things…i partly understand, but its still the same pain u kno?

i just dont kno where u went wrong. im pretty sure sacrificing popularity for genuine friendships was a good decision. wasnt it? mayb im over-reacting. wtf?!? hell no im not. there is no excuse for betrayal. u who i called my partner in crime. u who i called bro. u who i called my dearest.

idk. mayb i should just start over. just go baq to my jhs ways. it was easier. i didnt have to care bout anyone except myself. no friendships to stress over maintainin cuz i was happy just bein with myself, and my girlfriend…but thats another story. unfortunately junior high also forced u to do group projects so i was forced to befriend ppl to get a good grade but wutever.

anyway…

u think those who u choose to b ur best friends r those who will always have ur baq. but then i guess these r the risks we take. but wut is the point? shouldnt there b sum riskless procedure to finding the perfect friend? but then i understand y. there’s this quote from a song by james morrison “…love is hard. if it was easy, it wouldnt b nothing. no…” and i think it applies to friends as well. the bond between them is insane strong….well tru ones anyway. and there have to b risks that potentially involve u getting hurt or else there wouldnt b any value in trying to make them.

its just weird to me how my non-close friends r the ones makin me feel better.

but wutever i guess, depression is a part of life. a shitty part, but then again fuck it.

til next time. stay frosty.
(sry bout my language)

WUT IS MY NEXT STEP?

Posted by ckashaan on May 3, 2009
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so, for teh most part i guess life is goin good. no real problems, sure im still in the middle of a friend war, but thats only slightly fustratin and startin to b a little fun. i think u have to fully understand me to really c the little bit of fun im havin in my switzerlandish country. but then i get a really big shock to electrocute the gentle wavy balance in my life. and this is teh biggest decision/adjustment ive ever had to make i guess.

dont get me wrong its not a totally bad thing, just…no wait, i cant find a word atm to describe it….

u kno how when ur younger, u and ur best friends play around like “i wish i could live with u”. its fun to think of such things and in the baq of our minds we never concieve of them happening. but wut happens when it does happen. or better yet, it probably is in the best interests of that person if that were to happen. wut then? ahh…the actuality of reality hits u. its not as easy as u think.

im not at liberty to fully discuss the situation which is y im only giving my thoughts.

dont get me wrong. from the sounding of this post, its like i dont want to help him. of course i do. he’s really like a bro to me and i vow to always b there when he needs me. its just that… i dont kno wut it is. ever since he asked me, its been on my mind constantly. part of me is excited. liek really excited. my homie in my home thats insane cool. although we werent supposed to get our apartment til a couple of yrs further off, but hey…wuts the diff. then the other part is like this is wayyyyy to complicated. i have a whole separate step-family that im with alot and i live in another borough for the entire summer. would he b able to adjust here wit me and my mom? plus, would living together hurt our friendship? u kno when couples move in with eachother then its like “eww. i so wanna breakup”. ..but i highly doubt that, we too tight.

and dont think, im doin all this behind my mom’s baq. she’s actually ok with it, like really. yea i was shocked too.

its just that, i wanna do this. my only fear is that, i fail to b the help he needs and i disappoint him. he’s like been the first, closest thing to a tru best friend since my bf moved away in elementary skool. tight bonds arent built so easily and i dont want to break it cuz i miscalculated its strength against an “earthquake”(i went all physics mode there. im also preoccupied with a life goal of mine. …im goin to design the perfect heat engine. e = 1).

i just want a flawless execution. this can either b fine and we’re that much stronger becuz of it, or …well yea.

til next time. stay frosty.

thats it, its nerve-wrecking. i knew id find a way to describe it.