well its been a while since my last post. well thats not true: its been a while since i was on xanga . i swear me and this site have one of those on and off relationships. no matter how much i luv being here and spilling my uttermost deepest thoughts, i cant seem to stay with consistency. like im addicted for a month, then the next couple of weeks im gone. life keeps pulling me away, but my love for this place keeps bringing me bac.
but onto the trial section of this title. i tried so hard to avoid turning this semester into a repeat of my freshman yr of highschool. and i did. im almost ashamed to say i messed up this bad. like i let down my entire csi yr by being such a bad example. “shame on u cory” especially since i started off so good last semester and the beginning of this semester. i guess i began to lose it when i lost track of wut i wanted to do with my life. engineering seemed to fit me so right, then i started tutoring more heavily plus missing my job with the kids. i figured teaching(which was my second choice major) fit me perfectly too. the thought of planning the rest of my life became exhausting. and because brooklyn college is a liberal arts school, im not forced to do one over the other cuz it has both my majors.
probably my mind just said “u kno ur about living stress free, so lets get ur mind off ur stressors”. and then it started. i just looked for evry excuse to input as much fun into my life as possible. hanging out wit my best buddies and payin no attention to skool. ironically i was working as much as possible though, cuz i friggin love employment. just kept digging a deeper whole….and this was my trial.
and as u ppl kno from my earlier posts….i failed horribly.
now for the mixed signals. i guess one thing i should say is this: i assumed being gay gave me sum unconditional license to be uber nice and no grl would ever think that i was just being friendly and i didnt want anything in return. but i guess i forgot that they actually have to kno this little fact. and this is y the action of coming out is never completed cuz u have to tell evry person u become slightly close with or else its like living a lie forever.
speaking of….i still havent told either of my parents. i think soon ill tell me my mom, but tellin my dad seems almost unfathomable.
anyway, i get it. u expect a guy is into cuz he’s uber nice and stuff, but shouldnt one of u at least discuss dating b4 u assume that ur on one? am i wrong to think this? i dont wanna b out of line. and afterwards when i thought about it she totally treated it like a date even though i specifically specified it wasnt. c y i dont do grls anymore?…u dont get as much emotional attachment randomness wit guys. even when i think about it now, im upset. ive had ppl abuse my kindness b4, but this is a first. use me personality to corner me into a relationship that i didnt c coming.
dont get me wrong, not all grls r like this. take my bestie adaiah for example. i was the same way with her and look how we turned out. luv her 4ever, although i have a gut feeling sumthin bad is gonna happen that i shouldve been ready for.
part of me wants to b a dick and just say “i dont like u. this is crazy. im gay and u have no chance with me ever so get over it” end it there. but my stupid, naive, gotta b the nice guy side just wants sum way to ease out of this pleasantly. mixed signals my ass, she made them__. and this is an instance where ill say my niceness is a curse rather than an acquired gift.
u kno wut?…this could b a trial too: how does cory escape this with his sanity?
til next time. stay frosty
p.s. i miss u adaiah and jason soooo much. i wanna go baq to skool already.