well, after a day delay and then other distractions all day, im finally starting this post at 9:22pm. great plannin cory
. well at least im doin it b4 thanksgiving liek i said i would
. but anyways b4 i get to my being thankful and wutnot, i wanna first comment on a discussion i had with my friend in skool today. if u came here just to read ur part of the post(assuming i gave this link to u
), u can skip down. ill put sum marker to tell u im starting the touchy-feely part of my posting
.
so we’re tlking and he commented on how im not a happy person, but im only content. and with that, content on seeing other ppl happy.(did i summarize that correctly jason?
) now i cant lie…ive hit a low point in my life and i really am fine with having other ppl around me reaching their happiness. its kindof like if they can b happy, i can b happy by association. ive done this for so long its like its all i kno. if im not mistaken, i mentioned this b4 when i had my personal counseling class last yr. my professor said my personality was of codependance…i just wanted to help other ppl reach their goals and leave mine alone til afterwards. fully fully tru. i really dont care about wut i do too much..i just want to make sure that evryone is taken care of b4 i take care of myself. thats how i roll.
and in that, im happy. or content as he so put it. but to me its that same thing(which he also explained. god man ur such a shrink). mayb im depressed about being older or mayb theres nothin to excite me anymore, but i c no need to b happy. bein satisfied is all i need to get through the day. and yes, i agree, sumday it wont b enough…but for now, it is. and i can live with that.
im really focusing on this post so bear with the touchyness lol
..and i just got finished takin a break from writing cuz my dad made me clean the bar
. i really lost my train of thought.
plus, bein an only child and all, ive come up with ways to pick myself up when i need sum happiness around me.
……….
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……
….
..
.now im starting.
so its thanksgiving. well 2moro anyway and i think i should express my thanks to ppl who ive been lucky enough to come across in life. like fate has crossed our paths for the better. positive karma.
and u ppl kno im a firm believer in the karmic circle. i live and breath by it.
well i guess ill go one by one. and i warn u, i will say sum things that may seem mean or offensive, but i do love u mad much so try to understand
.
jason – i guess ill start with u cuz i mentioned u in my earlier post already lol. so obviously ur a big piece in my life. truely the best straight guy friend to the gay guy. u keep me grounded and its nice to have sumone around u can just “roll” wit. and ur my pokemon partner in crime(dun worry, noone will kno) and no lie, i swear i get all my hostility towards ghetto ppl from u. cuz b4, i just hated them, now im like genocidal
. ur fault! and ur so gonna b a great dad when u get older…well u kno, as u get older. ur son will benefit from ur massive amount of wisdom and insight. but plz dont beat him
…..
adaiah – haha im keepin the first part reppin brooklyn college. well bestie, wuts up? u and ur far rockaway-ness. wut can i thank u for that u dont already kno? i really dont kno. oooh i got one. if it wasnt 4 u, i would have like no friends at skool. hangin wit u i got to open my “cory” side and b all friendly. hangin in subo and meetin evryone. then eventually marvin. and when i first met him i swear i thought his name was really marve marve. dun tell him that plzzzz
. he awesome and as long as he makes u happy, i wont have to kill him. and that phone pic thing was so funny. luvs u
now who next…
tony – im swear one of these days im gonna kick ur ass, but ur still awesome. and u keep me math tuned when im so tryin to just lose my mind from skool. ur like the voice in my head sayin, i need to keep workin hard cuz theres always gonna b sumone imma need to assist in the future. and wuts gonna happen when im no longer capable? its good motivation havin sumone like that on ur team. but i swear u fustrate me when u wont let it go that im not gonna b straight. sum things u just gotta accept dude. but i guess if u didnt question it so much, i wouldnt think about it, and then i wouldnt b as sure as i am. so thnk u.
kevin – i kno u didnt expect me to include u here did u? aight but let me get this out really fast. i swear ive wanted to kill u more times than i can count, but dude ur mad fun to chill with. and its been a while. and all the stress u added to my brain has helped me b more appreciative of the little mind relaxing things. basically, u help me enjoy life. and thats a truely undervalued gift.
ken – ken!!! little dude wit a guitar. i really miss callin u that. im gonna have to find a new name for u soon cuz u dont really play anymore. ur awesome. u helped me realize wut i wanted to do with my life(i bet u didnt kno that) and omg. guess who got me started on this site? yep u. i wouldnt have these yrs of posts and emotional releases if it wasnt for u. i couldve been a much different person if i didnt have this outlet and u set it in motion 4 me. if im not mistaken i mentioned this in one of my earlier posts, but if i didnt im mentioning it now. so thnks dude for helping me keep my sanity and giving me a way to look at how my life progressed ovr the yrs.
jackie – i felt like shortening ur name. so get over it. jeez its like im watchin u grow up in 2yrs and ur turnin out to b a great person. its natural human psychology to want to feel as if they r needed and ur one of the best pupils i could evr ask 4. even though u ask a million questions and u rack my brain and sumtimes sign off and i worry about u all night cuz u were so upset, id b so disassociated with life if i didnt have u. i dont think id care as much how i presented myself and made sure i led a quality and proper life…so u wouldnt look at me and wonder y im such a failure. so thnk u for bein the key to unlocking my desire to b an all-around good person. (well u and michael, but hes too young to read this. luv both u guys). …and ur toddler joke was so cold lol. i always appreciate how u can make me smile at myslelf.
jonathan – who else would i save 4 last. only the epic ass buddy i call my best friend right? dude, do i even really have to type about u. i guess 1st and foremost id have to thnk u for bein there 4 me when i decided to come out. and u were the first person i told, so it helped me b a little more confident about bein open with evryone and myself. u deal with my stupid obsessions and berate wutever u c as a poor quality. u also criticize my relationship wit my mom and i get the feeling u resented my decision to stay out in queens for this long. i should apologize, cuz, even though i didnt, it felt like i was abandoning u in a way….and id nvr in a million yrs. ur my absolute life friend and i cant wait til we’re older and livin like next door to eachother with a fam of our own. …lol if i evr get my relationship life on track… but dude, there really isnt much i could do without knoin youd b right there with me. and i nvr admitted this, but u were a big reason i didnt go away to skool. how could i leave my buddy here? and i dont regret it at all for a min. thnks for just bein u.
well now thats ovr, i wanna say thnks 4 readin, thnks 4 visiting, thnks 4 ur existence.
til next time stay frosty and have a happy thanksgiving
p.s. i took like 3hrs to do this damn thing lol. im exhausted, but at least i feel like i got to say wut i had to. for the sake of space and time, i left trivial things out. plz 4give me if u felt i shouldve put sumthing i didnt.
friends
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so the decision has come for me to move baq to my mom’s house after this semester is over. as much as i didnt want to b4, skool will just b easier from there(and we all kno how bad im doing in skool at the moment
). plus i dont mind coming home late from work, i just hate wakin up almost 3hrs b4 my class starts. that shiz gets tiring after a while lol. plus ill get to play my games evryday without sumone havin a bitchfit. (he who shall remain nameless
)
but at least its not liek im goin baq to the way things were. she promises not to b so “over me” from now on. lol of course i had to come baq with conditions. im just a little relieved cuz it really felt like i was startin to get more distant from my friends that were left out here. not bein able to c them really takes a toll on the friendship and i luv these guys seriously.
especially my best friend of all. i finally got to tlk to him online yesterday night and i felt so bad. we missed so much of eachother’s lives and i think he was more upset with me for not bein there. for those few minutes i really felt like the worst friend in the world. but im goin up to his skool on tuesday so ill take him out to lunch and we can tlk b4 my work starts. yes im excited…i wonder if he cut his hair yet.
til next time. stay frosty
its funny how life seems to 180 sumtimes. u can totally have evrything going bad for u and then it turns around and evrything is positive. like wtf
. do i really need all this constant stressing and destressing? am i suppose to go insane.
but anyway, within 2 posts….im un-mad at one friend cuz we cleared up wut happened with the tlkin behind my back thing. im cool with the “leave me out” friend. he was just being a forgetful douche.(i still gotta call him a douche for a while). but i still got 2 things on my mind. obviously im not stressful panicing yet or else i wouldnt have said life was makin a 180.
but one, my tooth is loose. like omg, do u kno how old i am? its one of my permanent ones. and no it wasnt from eating candy and not brushing my teeth or sumthin stupid. i had a root canal and the temp fillin came out, ate a piece of hard bread….u figure out the rest. it was funny cuz i felt pain and im like “there’s no f-ing nerve there. y is there pain?” then i realized it was pain in my gum cuz the tooth was pushed up with so much force. so now its loose and its gonna come out soon, i hope. i would just leave it out but its in my “smile zone” so as soon as it comes out, im getting an implant, cuz i will not have any gaps….or denchers. but implants r freakin expensive.
next thing….
ok mayb this is a little worrying, but if its one thing life taught me, its that neve jump to assume sumthing cuz youll end up stressing over nothing. but this feels like sumthing.
so my friend, the “insult me in my face” friend, recently made a xanga page and sounded….upset. well his son and ex were moving away and felt an extreme betrayal by his bf so its understandable. but then his 2nd and last post tlkd about droppin them off at the airport and bein overly upset and wanting a way out. i read this after he didnt show up for class this morning and didnt answer my text so u can imagine i panicked a little. but i checked facebook, no activity since friday. no footprints from his page since saturday(the day of his post). and he’s not picking up my or our other friend’s calls. i would just b thinkin he needed time alone, but he mentioned suicide b4, so obviously it never left his mind.
but im trying not to panic. oh plz just let sumone tell me im overreacting.
oh and lol i played a mean trick(well i helped play) on my bestie’s boyfriend today. it was mean, but it was a hella good payback for wut he did to me at the movies.
til next time. stay frosty.
u have to have gone through this at sum point in ur life. u have so many diff groups of friends that ur close with and at sum point in time, they all happen to want u to do sumthin with them either all at once or one in immediate succession after the other. and the really crappy thing is that u happen to want to do all of them, and u instinctively say yes. but in time u come to realize, there is sumthin holdin u baq from doin them all and the most painstaking choice arises….which group(or groups) makes the cut.
for most ppl(i cant say all cuz i kno not evryone sees it this way. i kno i dont) its like the friends u choose to participate with r the ones that make the cut in ur life. like they matter the most to u, or they’re the only ones that do matter to u. and who u didnt choose to hang with, is viewed as crap by u…and then later on they come to b less of a friend to u in response to ur decision.
but this isnt always the case. mayb u just cant do them all. mayb u dont have enough money, or u cant take off work for all those days, or sumthin really important and unavoidable like that. sumtimes friends understand and sumtimes they dont care about the reason cuz they’re too far pissed(and hurt) u didnt pick them. and u would assume the tru friends would get it, right?…..but this isnt always the case. sumtimes emotions block all rational thought. and this is where i am a firm believer in pure emotional absence from choices(although i cheat sumtimes).
now to me…
of course i mention myself in all my posts, wut would a personal blog b without my personal relation? duh, evry post i make has sumthin to do with my situation. i just liked stating that for sum stupid reason.
but anyway, my sitch is this. i got 3 things in june, one is preplanned since last yr….a trip to six flags with my best friends from HS. yes we r making this an evry yr thing so this cant b sacrificed. this trip is like a bf thing where u keep the bonds up by making sure u have a “hoorah” evry yr. like in the movies where buddies have been goin on annual fishin trips together for like 20yrs or sumthin. yes, its that deep.
but the real trouble comes from the 2 other trips. one is with my new best friends from college. im mad cool with them and i am really lucky to have found such great ppl when im just starting skool. they’re a real support system here and i can say id b a little lost without them(do not get all emotional on me when u read this adaiah) anyways we’re driving upstate(hopefully ill b in the driver’s seat) and renting a cabin for a couple of days, like 4 or 5 i think….im really not sure. it would b a cool bonding trip for all of us(or potentially disastrous but im optimistic). total necessity.
next we have one of my best friends in the whole wide world jonathan. knew him since sophomore yr in HS and dude has been there for me alot. even got me to come out alot faster to evryone than i thought i would(its actually a funny story, ill tell it another time) but anyway, he wants me to go to nj to an anime festival. its like 3 days out there and he knos ive always wanted to go to one(but im not feeling the 3 extra ppl i dont kno part). this is also a necessity.
but c my dilemma?….i either crush my new best friends or i crush my old best friend. wut to do, wut to do….
if i had more bodies, id just make myself b in multiple places.(or have multiple jobs)
oh but the reason i have to choose u ask? well, put simply. i cant afford it.
til next time. stay frosty
Boi Growing Up 