LETS JUST SAY GOODBYE…..

Posted by ckashaan on February 12, 2009
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i guess these words r gonna b the hardest ive ever had to say, but i think its about that time now. u r one of my best friends, if not the best. but i cant help but feel this is just being dragged along. like we’re still being friends just for the sake of being. we’ve both grown to other ppl, we do other things, we’ve changed to say the least. moved far apart. lets just not force this, and stop pretending wut we both kno isnt there anymore. imma say “ttyl” for wut might b the last time. but i will always b there for u if so u ever need me. because i am ending this on a good note not a bad one. we had fun. im saying goodbye b4 i end up hating u forever.

and when i give u the link to this page, i kno we will have a long conversation.

til next time, stay frosty.

ME? A WANNABE?

Posted by ckashaan on February 10, 2009
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aight so im chillin wit my friends in a chinese restaurant by my skool and one of them noticed the button on my bookbag. its like of those “got milk” things, but it says “got jrock” instead. my bf got it for me when he went to an anime festival. anyway we got into a convo about my “asian wannabe-ness” and …long story short… i ended up defending my lifestyle choices over lunch.

but of course i had to ponder it for a while afterwards. have i really been a wannabe for the majority of my rememorable life(lol the part of my life that i can remember?)? if u look really generally, im good with technical crap(although i think thats just cuz im an analytical person), i refuse to tlk ghetto-ness, i play handball….hard, i listen to mostly asian music(hence the jrock button), and like 99% of my friends r asian(ok mayb 95% but u get my point. its too early in the morning to b doing exact math). if u put all those together im an asian wannabe. but that cant b fully tru. believe it or not, im extremely proud to b able to say im african-american. we have a deep history in the states and i’ll never leave that(i am not tlkin about barack obama at the moment. he is another post at another time).

then i remember sumthin my big bro joey told me, “No one is defined solely by their race. Everyone is their own self Tampon.” (new readers, “tampon” was my nickname in csi in high skool.) im not tryin to b asian cuz i like asian stuff, nor am i blk becuz my skin was made that way. im just me. all my preferences make up me. (all of them. evry single one. think hard and youll kno which one im tlkin about. yes even that one.) but i wonder if our generation and those after us will ever come to a point where there are no more attributes blindly associated to a group of ppl.

truthfully as i sit here in my library(i tend to think clearer at skool) i have no idea how to end this post. so im gonna leave it and mayb come baq to it later in time.

til next time. stay frosty
sp thnks to: joey “big bro”…the smart words lol.
                      jonathan…for the button. it was a cool gift
                      jason…for callin me the wannab

TOO TIRED TO LIVE

Posted by ckashaan on February 4, 2009
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ok i kno ur first impression of the title. no, this isn’t a suicidal post. but its more one of exhaustion and realization. so im sitting here in my skool library observatory room thingy lol (in case u dont kno, i go to Brooklyn College) and im just surfin the web on my laptop and listenin to Ruri No Ame by Alice Nine. since i got like 6hrs til my next class. i took a look out the window and the view just captivated me. its like i cant help but stare for awhile and soak in the scenery. sure ive always appreciated this campus, but these past couple of days im beginning to really slow down and enjoy it. and yesterday with the fresh white blanket of snow on the trees and grass that glowed under the lampposts’ light, it was so tranquil. i soo love going here.

but anyway, my point is that this recent noticement of my surroundings has made me look a little deeper at my life right now. and with all the things that have happened these past couple of months since skool started has just made me too tired of trying to live. im exhausted from adventure. exhausted of change. exhausted of problems. exhausted of uncertainties. just exhausted of active life. no i still dont want to die, stop mis-interpreting. i just wanna stop for a while. detach myself from evrything and evryone. well, mayb not evryone. there r those ppl i couldnt live without. but ive been runnin around so much and working with skool and worryin about my relationships with my friends and worryin about my campers(who still keep in touch with me lol. cant wait to go baq to work this summer.) and dealing with my parents and having to keep putting off my wants and desires to make sure evryone close to me is ok and fine(stupid codependence. c adaiah? i payed attention in class too)

when do i get to stop and be alone. when do i get to b selfish. when do i get to stop working so hard and notice the little things; fresh cut grass, powder white snow, a beautiful moon on a serene night(that was for u jason). when is it my turn to recieve instead of give(but i do prefer to give. its just my nature).

it just feels like im runnin through this life blindly. i dont have the time to stop and look at the little things. no time to truely have fun. no time to just walk and have a convo with a friend about something stupid and random like pokemon(which was actually fun in gamestop.). its like the “work hard now and relax later” principle. but y cant there b a balance? and if there truely is a balance, wut is preventing me from finding it? my mind just needs a break from the treadmill. a break from the hustle. a break from the stresses. and i just want, no i need a peace in my life that i have been thus far deprived of.

tl next time. stay frosty

PASSIN THROUGH

Posted by ckashaan on December 17, 2008
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hey ppl. im just passin through sayin hello. so hello. finals week is goin crazy. no time anymore. plus im not as prepared for my finals as i could b cuz im spending all my time outside of class helpin evryone else. dun get me wrong, its wut i do, but at wut point do i say “no”. like an example, ive been all over the place to many diff skools leading study groups(none of which have anythin to do with my classes) and i havent had time to read the passage that i have to write my essay on for my eng1 exit exam later on today. its wutever, i always work well under pressure anyway. im just venting. release sum pressure i guess cuz mayb im a little worried about my exams. as usual…i am left as the only person who can help me.

til next time, stay frosty.

LIKE SHAVING YOUR PUBES

Posted by ckashaan on December 14, 2008
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so wut to blog on tonight? idk, im only doin it just to. blogging just to blog. its like shaving ur pubes. u have almost no reason to and probably shouldnt. but u do it anyway cuz u feel like it. (btw…i am in no way implying that i shave my pubes. its just a title). but i think imma blog when i get home like later. finals comin up. ppl to hang out with. oh and it was kindof funny. i was walking home today, and i couldnt remember my address. i kno, wtf is up with that? i only kept thinkin of all my old addresses, but not my current house. this is wut stress does to u. and speaking of stress, i kno wut imma post about later.

til next time, stay frosty

INSPIRED BY JASON’S LYRICS

Posted by ckashaan on December 10, 2008
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alright so i was on facebook and one of my friends posted a new note on their page. i was reading it and i couldnt help but get a little teary eyed, cuz it made me think of all my friends too. sure i kno alot of ppl, but i would only call a select group my friends. and then even fewer get bf status. and then i have 3 bff’s(which i think i may have to add one or two more soon). but with my group of close friends i would b devastated if i lost even one of them. we’re a family that cant b separated no matter how far we go from eachother(yes i kno that statement contradicts sumthin i said in my post “WAS IT WORTH IT”. ill make a retraction later).

but i think we all have this “simultaneous pulling closer and pushing further” mental action that we have with our relationships. especially when ur a person that isnt sure of the future of stability of the bonds between u. its like u want them to get to kno u, so u pull them closer. but then ur fearful of losin them so u keep urself detached to protect ur emotions. its this weird duality of opposing emotions. ur want to b close, but ur minds auto-defense against pain.

but to my friends, i luv u guys with all my heart. ya’ll kno id do anythin and evrything for u all. cuz i wouldnt b me without u. especially when i went through a time when i thought id lose u all and i was of course proved wrong. and hopefully we can grow old together, living close, and we’re all succesful doin wut we want.

this post inspired by jason’s lyrics.
i hope u all realize that “lyrics” r notes. or at least thats how im using the word

til next time, stay frosty.