EVEN AFTER ALL THIS PAIN…

Posted by ckashaan on May 19, 2010
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You’d think I’d b able to handle it all by now. Wit all my insightful experience and all that I kno, It’d b a little easier. Or mayb I should kno now that I can’t b perfect. 

The topic ladies and gentleman is losing….

I lost today. At work. Well it’s funny cuz I didn’t even lose. It was a handicap game and we were in the middle of it. But we were behind. Yes I said “we”. Usually I’m the one dominating by myself and playing against 2 ppl. This time I was on the receiving end of my own punishment. 

I gotta say it was like the biggest “fuck u” I’ve ever received from handball. I’m the hardest trained, the highest skill leveled, the only pro tourney player and yet I was losing to sum second rate player who’s only high skill is cutting. Granted I had a little kid on my team and he got the majority of the hits to him, but still. I’m too flipping good for this loss and yet it happened. 

And I reacted like I did baq in the old days(though not to the extremes) wit the mental belittlement. And I did notice and I fixed that right away when my little bro approached me. It sucks, but I have to remember I’m being looked up to and emulated. When I first started losing at work, me and him acted the same way. The same additude, but different reasons. He was sore cuz it was sumone else’s fault, me becuz I felt I was insufficient in my abilities.

My output wasn’t high enuf. I was lazy. I should kno better. I need to react faster. These r things I drilled to myself when I lost. Whether the circumstances were against me or not, it was always my fault. I couldve played sumone who was a world tour player and it would b my fault that I lost. 

“we all have the abilities to win. It’s just knowing how and when to use them that secures victory”

But wit my losing baq then, I’ve always worked harder and harder and now it’s rare for me to lose. ….like really rare…. That’s y I thought I was wise enuf to handle it. But apparently I’m not. Mayb always winning got to my head, or mayb I can’t accept anyone to b better than me. Or mayb I’m just one of those ppl where second is not good enough. But beating myself up after a loss isn’t gonna cut it anymore evn though it worked in the past(and look how good it got me). I’m too old to b conveying “learn don’t react from your losses” and then I react to mine witout thinking first. 

So imma learn. Imma learn well. I guess it’s time to activate my “sharingan” once more. 

Much love. 

Ps. I still can’t believe my style got dubbed the handball sharingan. It’s fortunate my fav character has one. Lol.

ADDICTION THE STRINGS

Posted by ckashaan on May 19, 2010
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It seems like I my most examined thoughts while it’s raining. Plus I’m on the bus and there’s this really cute asian boy I keep checking out and Im doin a really bad job and he’s noticing, but i dun think he cares too much and I wanna turn my attention lol.

Anywayz….

I’ve noticed that recently my ears have just been tuned into hearing guitars. Evrything i listen to is like “can I play that” or “that’s a cool riff” or “that would hurt my fingers much”. Especially after havin the very last session wit the Cool Cats. Part of me doesn’t wanna let it go. These r sum of the best ppl i kno and it was a blast playin with them. 

But does this happen to u other instrument players? Do u happen to once in a while hear a song and hear the music specific to ur tool of pleasure? Mayb I’m goin crazy, but I think it’s a cool thing. 

Well there’s my curious tidbit post. 

Much love.

TOUCH MY BODY

Posted by ckashaan on May 11, 2010
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So I’m here at the gym(my itouch basically gives me the ability to blog anywhere I luv it.). I’m doin my cardio at the beginning so I’m not really usin my arms right now. But I’m thinking and i’m really like “y am I doin all this?” and I have no idea y lol. And my inability to work out in Little Neck is not helpin the sitch cuz I dun like the gym at Jamaica.

But I guess I do just do it for the boys.

 Isn’t that y we all do it? For that person or prospect that we wanna look good for. Ok here’s a story that just happened. So me and my coworker r on the bus and these high skool kids from Lewis decide to mess wit us. First I was pissed off cuz they were messin up my convo. Then a kinda fit senior decided to join in and I gotta say he was hella cute. So me seein a way out rather than lettin these boys get on my nerves, I started tlkin to him. And I didn’t regret it. I dun think he caught on, but I was flirtastic with him and then he started actin like a mature person and started holdin a conversation. But his ghetto ass friend was still the immature dumbass tryin to make jokes. I used my interest to diffuse a potentially hostile sitch into a calm one. It was fun. 

Then we got off the bus and we r here now. 

But while I’m on my finely toned ass, pedaling this bike away at an insanely high level, Im thinking “y am I goin so hard?” I’m pretty darn good looking already. I’m not perfect, but I’m kinda well maintained. I’m at the gym evryday, I run, I diet, I take supplements, muscle builders, metabolic rate increasers, and vitamins. I really dun need all this. Yet the benefit is that my body did a radical shape change really fast. It’s not even like I’m in a contract pay plan…I can quit when i want to. 

I kno wut it is… I’m fuckin afraid to b fat again. 

Purely afraid. 

There’s a saying “the uglier u r, the harder ur life is” and it’s tru. Things come alot easier and ppl relations is so much better now than I’m relatively attractive. 

(my butt is startin to hurt.)

And that’s scary, but I use it to my advantage. Besides I hate to say, but my kids r brutal man. They pick on the “not so hot” counselors kinda harshly. Like whoaness. 

Another thing, I like to stick on the sidelines. Unattractive ppl r pushed into the middle and ridiculed. I get to stay on the side and live happy. I like happy. Or as one of my other friends would say “I’m content”.

Well my cardio time is about to end so imma wrap this up. I basically workout cuz I’m a scared person. And if you’ve been wit my blog for a long time, u kno there r alot of things that scare me. I guess different things about life motivate different ppl. Unfortunately fear is a motivator for me. 

Til next time. Stay frosty.

“Touch this skin honey. Touch all of this skin darling. You can’t take it. You’re just an overgrown orangutan.” – RuPaul

BEIN ALONE HURTS MORE THAN IT USED TO

Posted by ckashaan on May 2, 2010
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Dealing with me, there’s always a time when I’m smiling or laughing or sum form of jester. Hence y ppl come to kno me as an always happy guy. But I probably hold one of the hardest feelings of all to myself. 

I’m one of the lonliest guys evr. 

For all the ppl I kno and all the ppl I tlk to and hang out with ur probably like “WTF r u tlkin about?”, but it’s a feeling that can’t b quenched with just friends. (and I have a pretty awesome one) It took me until a train ride to work to really realize wut was going on. 

For a while I was walking aroung wit this heavy feeling…I couldn’t pinpoint describe it nor find it’s cause. Then I was playin my ds on the train and i sat across from this couple. Asian dude: tall, skinny, lack of product in hair, fashionably retarded; and an Indian dudette: shorter, plump, heavy conditioner use, beautiful smile, high fashion foward. I mention their differences because it’s wut brought me to my realization. In my mind I’m like “it’s cute and all, but wut r they doin together? This defies compatibility logic.”

And then it happened…

Despite their obvious extreme differences, the warmest feeling eminated from their companionship. And I tell u now, I can’t recall being around another couple with that strong a love for eachother(wit the exception of one). I realized wut I wanted for so long and wut i had tricked myself into forgetting because of a lie I moved into. The few times I’ve had the blissful happiness I so diligently, seek was when I was in luv. 

Granted if u read this blog, u kno I’m gay and that the only other relationships I’ve had b4 were with females. So to say i was in luv b4 kinda raises a question in u. Trust me, my ability to handle an emotional relationship with women has nothing to do with my current sexuality. “I love the penis” – Davey Wavey. 

Anyways this lie I have is the improbability of finding that luv for myself again. I had it twice. the first time it was taken from me and the second time, I made a mistake and lost it. I refuse to have and lose that feeling a third time and I think as a defense mechanism I turned to superficial superficiality. All this shopping, caring about how I style things, hair styles… I really couldn’t care less about this stuff, but it helps ease the pain I guess. And it’s a good skill to have to aid my fellow friends. I get to indulge in myself and turn my attentions to menial things to keep me distracted. Although, as a wise friend once told me, “I can put my issues aside, but they will always b there.”

So that train ride was my scheduled reminder. I still haven’t found wut I’m looking for and doin things to make me momentarily happy isn’t helping the situation. Mayb I should just take a breath away from life and mayb reevaluate things, but the time and effort I put into this life wouldve been to waste. And it’s a comfortable one. Besides when I do find that luv I want, I’ll happily give this up. Well if he wants me too. 😉

Til next time. Stay frosty. 

TEST DAY

Posted by ckashaan on April 3, 2010
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Well I’m sittin here in the car next to my dad as we r waiting for the road test administrators to get here and the examinations begin. It’s balls cold, we r the third car in line( lol I expected ppl to b here mad early, not driving skools though. The only early ass cars were from drivin skools lol), it’s raining, and I already have my playlist playing in my ear relaxing. Today is my roadtest!!! Actually in an hr I’m scheduled to go( I say that more to refernec u when I’m actually typing this cuz my timestamp will b at night after work lol). 

It’s cool though cuz I’m not even thinking about today the same way I did last yr. Like in a way, last yr I was ready ability-wise but not mentally. Today I’m mentally ready. But geez did today have b this horrible? It’s like the fates r testin my nerves. The first time when i failed, it was sunny and the roads were clear. Today it’s pouring windy rain, heavy traffic, low light, and mad early in the morning. Like major difference much? I couldn’t have gotten another clear day? Nah, I’d rather have it this way. 

Alright, let’s do this. 

—-I’m ending the first half here. I’ll finish with whether i passed or not—-

Omg… I can’t believe today really happened. I didn’t even fail, I got said bye to lol. So wut happened was i’m in the driver’s seat puttin on my seat belt ready to go while the lady was checking my papers and stuff, and she was bitchier than the guy when she got in but she became really nice, and she said “ur 5hr class is expired. Did u take another one?” I was like it can expire? She was like it’s only good for a yr. I was like damn my dad’s gonna b pissed. I was right, but he wasn’t at me thnkfully. So I’m gonna take my class 2moro then schedule my test again for the 22nd(yes I already got my appoinment). Sucks it’s another month, good it’s not longer. Next time I go ovr evrything. 

Til next time. Stay frosty.  

JUST A QUICK FAVOR

Posted by ckashaan on March 26, 2010
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If u kno me, u kno there isn’t much I personally ask the “higher power” for. I just hope to b a good person and try to not taint my ever delicate karma and hope I’ve been good enough to b favored. But this one is personal and I’m putting my cards on the table. I just want one thing;

Do u think, whoever u r, that u can stop fucking wit all the people I care about and let us live in peace? I kno we aren’t perfect….we mess up sumtimes. Mayb we couldve helped that person across that street, or mayb we couldve given more of our services to sumone in need. Or mayb we couldve not thought so much about our personal future and went to b wit that one who matters the most in our life(that one stung a little to say). But plz, let us all b happy in our circle. 

That is all. 

And on a direct note, plz dun let him get any worse. Needz him too much. 

T’was my one and only “prayer”. 

Til next time. Stay frosty.