Dealing with me, there’s always a time when I’m smiling or laughing or sum form of jester. Hence y ppl come to kno me as an always happy guy. But I probably hold one of the hardest feelings of all to myself.
I’m one of the lonliest guys evr.
For all the ppl I kno and all the ppl I tlk to and hang out with ur probably like “WTF r u tlkin about?”, but it’s a feeling that can’t b quenched with just friends. (and I have a pretty awesome one) It took me until a train ride to work to really realize wut was going on.
For a while I was walking aroung wit this heavy feeling…I couldn’t pinpoint describe it nor find it’s cause. Then I was playin my ds on the train and i sat across from this couple. Asian dude: tall, skinny, lack of product in hair, fashionably retarded; and an Indian dudette: shorter, plump, heavy conditioner use, beautiful smile, high fashion foward. I mention their differences because it’s wut brought me to my realization. In my mind I’m like “it’s cute and all, but wut r they doin together? This defies compatibility logic.”
And then it happened…
Despite their obvious extreme differences, the warmest feeling eminated from their companionship. And I tell u now, I can’t recall being around another couple with that strong a love for eachother(wit the exception of one). I realized wut I wanted for so long and wut i had tricked myself into forgetting because of a lie I moved into. The few times I’ve had the blissful happiness I so diligently, seek was when I was in luv.
Granted if u read this blog, u kno I’m gay and that the only other relationships I’ve had b4 were with females. So to say i was in luv b4 kinda raises a question in u. Trust me, my ability to handle an emotional relationship with women has nothing to do with my current sexuality. “I love the penis” – Davey Wavey.
Anyways this lie I have is the improbability of finding that luv for myself again. I had it twice. the first time it was taken from me and the second time, I made a mistake and lost it. I refuse to have and lose that feeling a third time and I think as a defense mechanism I turned to superficial superficiality. All this shopping, caring about how I style things, hair styles… I really couldn’t care less about this stuff, but it helps ease the pain I guess. And it’s a good skill to have to aid my fellow friends. I get to indulge in myself and turn my attentions to menial things to keep me distracted. Although, as a wise friend once told me, “I can put my issues aside, but they will always b there.”
So that train ride was my scheduled reminder. I still haven’t found wut I’m looking for and doin things to make me momentarily happy isn’t helping the situation. Mayb I should just take a breath away from life and mayb reevaluate things, but the time and effort I put into this life wouldve been to waste. And it’s a comfortable one. Besides when I do find that luv I want, I’ll happily give this up. Well if he wants me too. 😉
Til next time. Stay frosty.