Dealing with me, there’s always a time when I’m smiling or laughing or sum form of jester. Hence y ppl come to kno me as an always happy guy. But I probably hold one of the hardest feelings of all to myself.
I’m one of the lonliest guys evr.
For all the ppl I kno and all the ppl I tlk to and hang out with ur probably like “WTF r u tlkin about?”, but it’s a feeling that can’t b quenched with just friends. (and I have a pretty awesome one) It took me until a train ride to work to really realize wut was going on.
For a while I was walking aroung wit this heavy feeling…I couldn’t pinpoint describe it nor find it’s cause. Then I was playin my ds on the train and i sat across from this couple. Asian dude: tall, skinny, lack of product in hair, fashionably retarded; and an Indian dudette: shorter, plump, heavy conditioner use, beautiful smile, high fashion foward. I mention their differences because it’s wut brought me to my realization. In my mind I’m like “it’s cute and all, but wut r they doin together? This defies compatibility logic.”
And then it happened…
Despite their obvious extreme differences, the warmest feeling eminated from their companionship. And I tell u now, I can’t recall being around another couple with that strong a love for eachother(wit the exception of one). I realized wut I wanted for so long and wut i had tricked myself into forgetting because of a lie I moved into. The few times I’ve had the blissful happiness I so diligently, seek was when I was in luv.
Granted if u read this blog, u kno I’m gay and that the only other relationships I’ve had b4 were with females. So to say i was in luv b4 kinda raises a question in u. Trust me, my ability to handle an emotional relationship with women has nothing to do with my current sexuality. “I love the penis” – Davey Wavey.
Anyways this lie I have is the improbability of finding that luv for myself again. I had it twice. the first time it was taken from me and the second time, I made a mistake and lost it. I refuse to have and lose that feeling a third time and I think as a defense mechanism I turned to superficial superficiality. All this shopping, caring about how I style things, hair styles… I really couldn’t care less about this stuff, but it helps ease the pain I guess. And it’s a good skill to have to aid my fellow friends. I get to indulge in myself and turn my attentions to menial things to keep me distracted. Although, as a wise friend once told me, “I can put my issues aside, but they will always b there.”
So that train ride was my scheduled reminder. I still haven’t found wut I’m looking for and doin things to make me momentarily happy isn’t helping the situation. Mayb I should just take a breath away from life and mayb reevaluate things, but the time and effort I put into this life wouldve been to waste. And it’s a comfortable one. Besides when I do find that luv I want, I’ll happily give this up. Well if he wants me too. 😉
Til next time. Stay frosty.
I’m not surprised to hear you say you’re a lonely guy. If you’re smart enough to pinpoint your issue than you’re one step closer to getting where you want to be. In my opinion, I feel that you may be better off reevaluating yourself whether it’s by yourself, or in a relationship. You haven’t found what you’re “looking for” but depending on what it is, you may or may not find it, because it’s not best for you. Be prudent with your decision though. I just don’t want you to be someone who tries to escape loneliness by giving your partner a void that only you can fill in your heart. Hahas I wrote a fucking paragraph but you know where I stand. I know that coming from me, a guy that harbored anger and hate in my heart for a long time makes me the last person who should be giving you any advice, but I hope it helps you somewhat. Stay frosty dude lolz