Boi Growing Up

I think that caption sums up my life right now. I have a job I like albeit temporary, I got a decent income flow, my siblings are happy, I have a schedule that keeps me ridiculously busy during the day so I’m never bored, starting a new business flow, and I don’t really have any problems. I know saying that just now was a pretty major jinx, but still saying it.

Life is good.

I don’t know how long it’ll last, but it is good.

The first problem I have with this is that I can’t remember the last time I could say those words together. “Life is good.” Elementary School era saw a divorce and constantly moving and too much special testing and my bestfriend moving away. Junior High saw a bully and not fitting in and social awkwardness and another divorce and poor grades and my first girlfriend moving away. High School era saw trying too hard and too much stress and danger of not graduating (Because I was a lazy fool who was never in class, not like I couldn’t actually do the work. Ended up double honors on time graduate after getting held back because I refused to be in highschool more than the normal 4 years. So technically I graduated in the 11th grade haha) and trying to find myself. Young adult era saw me in college not wanting to be there and being in the middle of feuding friends and being in the middle of failing relationships and pouring my soul into a job to have it taken away from me and losing my first adult love and giving up my dream and definitely losing direction for myself.

A fact I’ve mentioned before, but not really know outside the space of my blogs is I’ve been non-medically dealing with diagnosed depression since I was really young. Now you have a snippet of why. I didn’t see much positivity in things. So the fact that I can say “life is good” now is a pretty major thing for me. It’s like I finished an insane trek up a mountain and I can finally see to the horizon, over the trees and fields, to the uncharted land in my future.

Cause before I most definitely never thought I’d make it this far anyway.

Anyways, the first problem I have leads into my second problem. I keep bracing myself for the “oh shit” moment. That moment when some obscure event invades my perfect little mental utopia. Since I’m keeping my guard up constantly, I can’t fully allow myself to enjoy this. I recognize the wrong action to correct. I know I should let myself go and just deal with whatever comes when it comes. It’s too hard being vulnerable to the universe.

But placing upon yourself invulnerability to a force you can’t even fathom control over is just an illusion.

A soul exhausting illusion.

But why then, does it bring comfort?

I’m happy, but tense. Apprehensive, but relaxed. Passive, but alert. When you’re so used to things going from easy breezy to horribly wrong in a moments notice, it does things to you. After a certain while, your shield is almost automatic. But I don’t want it to be automatic. How do you even begin to unsee and unthink? You don’t. At least I don’t think you do. I think you just put it away somewhere. Far in the back of your brain in the dusty records keepin section.

I have too many records.

I wanna enjoy this. There are so many great things happening this year that I’m so excited for. So many more things that I will be in a position for. This is the time I should just breathe as if the worst is over and everything is up from here. Maybe I will take the rest of the week to let loose a bit. Maybe I will play a videogame or 2. Hmm…I wonder how the people on the optimistic side live life.

Til next time. ..be happy. 🙂