Y do I feel like I’ve posted this before? Idk. I’ve been doin this for so long that I’m bound to repost things more than once. Come to think of it, I doubt it cuz…oh nvm. I ramble too much. 

But then again, I can do that. 

So this morning I was supposed to meet my best friend at his skool while he was studying. I kindof highly overslept and didn’t get a chance to get out there b4 work(like I woke up at 10:30 late). I couldve met him but I wouldve had to miss work today. And there’s my line. 

Whenevr we hang out I have to sacrifice my job whether it b coming in late or not going at all. Or I have to skip time with him cuz of work. Like it’s sum grand war between my job and my buddy. Sumthin I need and sumthin I want(not to say I don’t need him, cuz I kinda do). 

It’s just it seems like this grand climatic decision is gonna come where it’s gonna b him or work and I gonna lose one if I pick the other. In my mind I say I’d choose him, but lately it doesn’t seem as if my actions say so. 

Like recently we went to the movies and I wouldn’t walk with him down to his skool cuz I didn’t wanna call in late. Or today I didn’t wanna use the time to go into manhattan and risked bein late. Like it’s been more than that, but u see? Like I’m subconciously placing him second for sum reason. 

Lol he just sent me a tweet. I luv that bastard lol. 

But anywayz. I still remember the big one. It came the first day of my new position at work. It’s the only decision I’ve evr regretted. The ONLY one. I cried on my way in cuz I felt like i was making a mistake. And Ive nvr said this to him but work wasn’t really the reason I didn’t go c that day. Cuz as soon as I got the call from Sam, my ass was gettin off the bus to turn around, but I stopped myself.

Believe it or not there r certain realities I can’t take. And him bein hurt is one of them. It was too painful. To sharp. And as much as I shouldve went, I couldn’t. Plus I dun think he wouldve wanted to c me all broken down anyway. It’s funny, the day he made me go c my mom in the hospital, I just pictured him there. Then when I went to c my pregnant ass sister(10lbs is a huge ass baby lol), I was reminded again. Like that decision is gonna haunt me forever. 

Part of me would take it baq if I could and part of me wouldn’t. We do things cuz we feel it, not cuz we think about it. My feelings kept me away that day and now my feelings keep puttin me baq on that bus ride. It’s interesting though, I dun think I’d tell him if I was in the same sitch as he was. 

I luv how I started on one thing and then wen to another. U freaking blog keep havin me put myself out there. But I luv u cuz I dun think I’d have I any other way. 

And Jonathan if u read this(I highly doubt it though), I never said I’m sorry. Nor do I think we’ve ever seriously talked about it. I know you were upset with me for not being there and it was my fault for not really telling you why. I don’t know how to finish this except, please forgive my lapse in correct judgement. I shouldve been with you. I was wrong. 

Much luv.