Everyone has a reason for continuing on this long journey of indeterminate length, until the end, called life. Whether it be money, love, kids, or some abstract dream to achieve. Mine is so much more delicate and easily fragmented than that. Everyone has a reason. For that push. A motivation behind every step. An ethereal hand that tugs on the their shirt leading them away from the abyss.
Mine is just a hooked finger as I lean over looking for a reason to let go.
I was at work yesterday in the basement. Listening to music on my phone. Completing assignments and singing along. I actually prefer to work in the basement sometimes. Except for the lack of fresh air, I get to play my music and be alone. While in the progression of my playlist, which is just every song on my phone, Never Let Me Go by Florence and the Machine came on. This song does very interesting things depending on my underlying thoughts. If I’m in the positive at that moment it functions as just one of my favorite songs. I do indeed love the song. I do indeed love Florence’s vocals and tones. I do indeed love the music video and understand the lyrics. If the negative is there, then I relive every depression I ever had.
I see the surface of the water over my head, light fading away as I descend deeper into the depths.
I find that the mind is fragile of a person who was/is considered suicidal. It never does become “was” after 2 incidences and almost a 3rd before your 21st birthday. You’re kinda always considered a risk. I like to think I’m a functioning member of society though. Aside from when my body is forcing itself to sleep from sheer exhaustion. …in sleep, only my nerves are functioning. I succeed at keeping up a stable demeanor. I’m very good at perpetrating the facade that everything is ok. The fact that with almost every approaching night I think about ending it all is not one shared by many people. There are mornings I wake up questioning if I should even take the effort to get dressed and head into work because I feel that today is the day.
I find that my inability to find a light in life is because I don’t have anything to look forward to.
It started when I was really little. You don’t have many options on how to solve problems when you’re a kid. Especially when you’re the only one. Especially when most of the problems are your mom. And especially when you have no one to run to. So I became nonchalant about it, deduced that things will never change, and that was it. There was no “it gets better” for me.
Well there is no “it gets better”.
I try to get forward thinking momentum. I can’t go past a week. My mind sets into “It will go bad. Don’t plan that far ahead.” and I pull back. Booking my Twenty-One Pilots concert tickets for September is the most longterm thing I’ve ever done in my life. I am holding on to that like a rock climber hanging onto a cliff’s edge after his rope snapped and falling would conclude with an irreversible fatality. I do short sprints of happiness, not marathons.
What about money?
Don’t care about it. Sure it helps me pay the bills, but I spend most of it on my siblings anyway because I wanna spend as much time with as possible while I’m here.
What about your siblings?
I have a will and a very long letter.
What about looking forward to kids in the future?
I think having someone be that totally dependant upon me would turn me around, but that’s also one of the reasons why I say that I’m not ready yet. I need to turn around on my own.
The only thing that I can say has had any tangible effect is the challenge I gave myself when my oldest little brother looked me straight in my face on the day preceeding number 3. I said I’m going to wait until I am so happy, that I theoretically couldn’t get any happier. I won’t ever go sad or upset or depressed. I want it to be like “Ahh, that was a good journey.”
Basically everyone wants to live and die happy, I will more than likely just be picking when. And I think that’s ok. There will always be things I want. Everytime I splurge a bit on myself it perks up my mood. I have video games to help distract me by thrusting my mind into a world of my own creation.
But while existing, I will learn.
I’ve never been able to stop that craving and nor do I want to. Observe and record. Grow and reflect. Teach and pass on. That, I believe, is my purpose.