Boi Growing Up

“If we can love someone so much, how will we be able to handle it one day when we are separated? And if being separated is a part of life, and you know about separation well, is it possible that we can love someone and never be afraid of losing them? Is it possible that we can live our entire life without loving at all?’ – Mew, The Love of Siam

Life has decided to remind me, in the form of a text Monday night, of the impermanence of those close to me. I live with a very tight circle of loved ones around me. I live in that circle because it is invulnerable to the outside world. I live in that circle because my obliviousness to its vulnerability makes me feel safe and have no worries about them.

But I was reminded that my  forced denial can be instantly blown apart.

That night around 11:30, I got a text from my adoptive mom that her mom had a heart attack and was in the hospital. My first reaction? I reread it, my exhaustion took over and rolled back over and returned to sleep. It was when I woke up that the magnitude of that text really hit me. I have 2 grandparents that I’m close to and one of them was almost taken from me. I drove my car into work yesterday so I can stop by the hospital. My resolution for that day? I will be there.

I’m just relieved that we already knew she’s going to be ok.

Let me tell you, I never thought I’d be so affected by anything. I’m a hard case. ..I always say my brothers softened me up though.. The only time I ever cried over anyone was when my twin was in the hospital and I really didn’t know if he’d be ok. (Not many people know that. Only my adoptive mom because I didn’t recover quick enough when she called my phone.) I have tried forever to keep as few emotional connections as possible. Not because I don’t care, but because I don’t want to be a mess when things go wrong or someone is taken from me. I care a lot. I’m a pure-blood Cancer. I was very good with it until…brothers.

I thought it possible to care without emotions. It works in theory.

I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone. Well I’ve lost people I know. I’ve lost people I was relatively close with, but that was before my shell faded and I opened up. I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone while I don’t have my self-erected protection. I’m scared. I’m truly upset. I cried driving to work. My own tears startled me.

And my youngest brother on that side was also there when it happened, with his birthday on Friday. I know he’s a mess. He’s uber attached to his grandmom.

I’m so thankful that we didn’t lose her. I can’t imagine how bad I’d be. The adoptive mom, I don’t think I’d be in any shape to console her. I guess now there is one more thing to add to the list of things I can’t handle well.

I’m at a loss for a proper conclusion. Not truly my style. Consider this a mental purge and not a full-fledged post tonight.

Til next time. …love hard, be close.