Boi Growing Up

I make a statement about my life. I have absolutely no regrets about anything. Not one single thing. Everything bad that has happened in my life, everything bad that I have done, and everything bad that will happen has caused no feelings of the need for repentence in my soul.

Maybe my view of life is too skewed, but I think that’s valid for me.

I think that everything that has happened, was meant to be. The “universe” held it in my fate to encounter that specific trial or hardship or good fortune at that specific time. Or in an abstract way, I caused it to happen myself by my previous actions. Whatever the case, it was meant for me to go through. To experience. To learn from. It becomes less “why me?” and more “I will understand why this had to be this way” and I think that’s extremely valuable to living in a productive way. Well at the very least you don’t look at yourself as a helpless person at the mercy of things you can’t control. I don’t get upset over missing a train because maybe it’s not my fate to be on that train so I could avoid something. I don’t fret over a failed class because I cut all the time. I don’t get angry over being fired because maybe my future didn’t belong there. The first step to a happier life is learning to let go of the things you truly can’t control. To give in to the things you can’t change. To ride the waves that are impossible to swim against so you can save your energy to catch the mugger later who has your wallet.

I will try to avoid too many religious overtones in this. Yes, it has been an influence on my thought process, as all experiences do, but it’s not what my thinking relies on.

I also don’t wish to take back anything that I have done. I feel bad about none of it. I hold no guilt over any turmoil that has been caused because of my deeds. I rarely say sorry. I know that makes me sound a bit like a sociopath, but in the context of following the string of each individual string of events stemming from me, it feels right. In the grand scheme, what happened is a good thing because it had to occur to influence the next steps. This is not to say I am perfect. This I do not believe. I have many flaws. I own them, I accept them, I embrace them. They are part of what makes me unique. When I react to a situation and the outcome isn’t what i thought it would be, I look back and evaluate what other things I could’ve done. I will admit I make mistakes. A mistake isn’t the same as something I would regret. A mistake is an opportunity to learn. I get thrown into a situation and I make a choice influenced by that current state of mind and I react. Sometimes that state of mind isn’t developed or “experienced” enough to make the most beneficial choice and the outcome is less than desirable. That’s ok. The mind grows. It learns. I learn. I am better for that mistake. I can use the information gathered then and apply it to later. I am growing up and evolving my mindset is a part of that.

While I have made mistakes and I know that I could’ve made better choice if I go back and do it over again, I wouldn’t. I learned from that choice. So is fixing that error really the best option? How would I have learned if I didn’t make the mistake?

Regret is a powerful thing. People fall into depresssion over the things they wish they could change or over the things they wish never would’ve happened to them. Regret causes resentment. Regret causes great internal pain that’s very dangerous. Regret even makes you worry about the future because it gets ingrained in your head that something bad may happen because of whatever from before. Anxiety kinda sucks. I live tackling each situation as it comes. Take each day at a time. If something bad happens, it’s hard, but I’ve trained myself to see it for what it is and if I mess up, I fix the wreckage and move on. Holding on to the negative does nothing except hurt you and that’s essentially what regret is. You fret over negatives in the past that you can’t go back to anyway.

And even if I could go back.. Even if I was given a magic pass to go to every spot I feel I made a wrong choice.. Every class I didn’t go to, not pursuing dance and giving up the guitar, dating girls while I was a teenager and not finding myself, caring about being popular, being super cocky playing handball for money, having too much fun in college, having my first guy sexual experience with someone I wasn’t attracted to, eating that cheesecake my youngest brother made, walking out of work to go intimidate some high school kid that was picking on my brother, not punching my coworker in the face for making my brother cry….

Damn that’s a lot of mistakes and not all of them.

But if I “fix” them.. I would’ve never gotten held back in 10th grade forcing me work extra hard and causing me to graduate on time with double honors and college credits. I would’ve never saw how much I really liked to sing and joined this really cool group in college to rekindle my musical love, instead of having it flame out. I wouldn’t have the experience dating girls to be able to answer the questions my brothers have for me now. I wouldn’t have met some of my closet friends who are still with me now. I wouldn’t have gotten my ass kicked on the courts and forced me to train harder to get better giving me greater skills in tournaments and now I teach the sport to kids. I would’ve left not knowing what I wanted to do, with my new friends to help me while I was lost. I wouldn’t have known our group’s lead singer was that into me and caused me to start being open about my sexuality paving the way for me to not stay sheltered “in the closet”. I wouldn’t have gotten sick and continued with my USAF physical and I’d probably be on some air base right now missing everybody back home. I wouldn’t have realized how fragile my position at my job was and how much “politics” was in that place. That last one though, I’m not sure about. Yeah, I would’ve broke the first rule of my religion and I try very hard to be diligent..not like I have the easy devotion of a monk though because it’s hard. But, if I was going to get fired anyway, I kinda wish I would’ve kicked his ass. Oh, but then I wouldn’t have been able to leave on better terms with severance pay. Ok, fine.

Hmm…good does come out of mistakes. Don’t regret them. I’m not disappointed with how my life has turned out so far.

Act. Take in and observe. Learn. Let it go.

Til next time. Stay frosty.