Boi Growing Up

Well, hello there. I guess this is the first post of my now fully migrated, coarsely designed, and live blog. Of course I want my first post to be all “life changing” or “deep”, but I just want to type something to get moving. Hopefully, well maybe hopefully not, I can keep to my old writing style. I thought it was pretty good. 

I type. I proofread as I go. I go quick. I don’t look back. I get out what’s on my mind. I usually catch most typos, but let’s be honest…I really don’t care that much. That’s a damn lie. Both of these sites have spellcheck, but it’s not like my page is corporate style or something. 

Where to begin? Where should I begin? Where would you like me to begin? Ooh, I know. How about we begin with the title of this post. It’s an excerpt from one of my favorite Twenty-One Pilots songs, “Anathema”. I truly believe I can talk or type for as long as I want and it would be impossible to know very essence that makes up my being. My mind, my soul. There are even things I keep tucked away from myself. You will never know what is in my veins. I swear that’ll be the death of me, but life is sometimes easier that way keeping everything in. 

It’s actually interesting I used that last sentence.

These past few weeks, I’ve been dealing with stuff and trying to find ways to cope for now. At least to keep a happy face in front of those in my life, but that shit is hard yo. …yes, I will throw in some intentional incorrect grammar and explicitness once in a while… Eh i try. Hiding in plain sight is my adaptation to dealing with life sometimes. If not only for the sake of those around me, but also just to contribute to my insanity it seems.

And my bestfriend recently texted me that we always talk about him and not me. Duhh…

But think about your everyday life. Do we really know the inner working of everyone around us? Let us make that sample smaller. Do we really know the inner workings of those we interact with? Make it smaller. Do we really know the inner workings of those we frequently interact with? How about just our family and friends? How about just immediate family and bestfriends? Can you say you have the ability to 100% correctly decipher their minds to fully know everything about them? Shit, do you fully know you or have you even surprised yourself on occasion? There’s a blind spot in everyone’s inner self.

Everyone has their secrets.

Each of us has something that we don’t want somebody else to know. A side we don’t want to show. Whether it be because of embarrassment or shame or fear of disappointing that who is close to us, we have our reasons. Mine are pretty simple mostly. I’m supposed to be impenetrable. Well people assume me to be. Like the epitome of stability for everyone else to find solutions to their life dilemmas. My flaw that I must keep those around me happy translates to me being that stability. Once again, that shit is hard yo. 

But why?

Why do we feel the need to hold back so much? Would the world really be better if we all shared ourselves? Would our relationships be that much more intimate. Our lives that much more fuller? I can’t answer this. I have my own life biases preventing me from exposing myself more. I grew up not trusting anyone and i mostly still don’t. I keep a tight lid on my inner circle. Less opportunities for something to get thrown back at me and having to hide how much it hurt. Although I think that this blog is a step in that “opening up” direction…at least according to therapy anyway. Not because I have a page, but because my old personal blog has been integrated here as well. Sure it was a public site with a couple hundred readers, but only 2 people in my life actually knew it existed. That place was total uninhibited expression and now it’s here.

See? I’m putting myself out there for the world to see.

I don’t know. I don’t presume to know the repercussions of different social interactions, but I try to avoid the negative ones. At least to keep order and stability for the time being. Even if that means being the only one to know my issues. My dilemmas. My demons. While having to wrestle everyone else’s as well.

I write to purge my mind. As convoluted as this post was, I’ll get more refined in the future. Like the next post when it’s not so mentally rushed lol. 

Life. So much to see. So little we can actually understand. 

Til next time. Stay frosty.