Ahh it’s getting bad again. I expected it to happen sometime. It’s a cycle. Every couple of years with highs and lows. I really should see someone. Like a doctor or something. Get some “happy pills” to cope. I mean, when tears just start falling, you know you’re in that bad place.
But I’m safely in the mid-stage I guess. I know this pattern, I’m accustomed to it. I wake up, not wanting to. Then I sit around and play videogames to numb my mind and distract me from my thoughts of disappointment, negative self-worth, and longing. I swear I’m good at controlling my emotions normally, but then it overflows and cripples me. Then I leave my house to fulfill whatever obligation and I’m able to muster the strength to put on a “happy” face, but even that’s starting to fail now..a hint at the converting to the end-stage. Then I return home, no longer having the energy to keep up my walls and the overflow of depresssion takes me to a place where I don’t think I can return from. So I fall asleep to the sound of my tv and breaths.
And it repeats the next day with a greater intensity of extremes.
It’s always triggered by something. The cycle happens regardless, but it takes a trigger for me to hit the major depression flood gates. Usually something small, but this was pretty major for me this year. Once that trigger has been established, all the negative things about my life seem to gain magnitude and move to the forefront of my mind. As if my brain is trying to push me over the edge itself. I hate this feeling. I want it to end. And I know very well what it is that I’m implying and I understand that.
Honestly when I made it into my 20’s, I thought I’d have outgrown all this. Like I gained adult sensibilities and everything would be ok, especially since I have my siblings to look out for. Apparently I have outgrown nothing…
But will I? Will I end it all with a swift jump off the rockaway pier? I still can’t swim lol. I don’t think it’ll come to that, but I’m not one to claim knowledge of the future. I even had my will created to secure all my crap …I have a lot of crap… just in case. I’m a cautionary person, prepare for everything I can think to prepare for. I found it funny, yet reassuring, that Anthony said, “I’ll have to stop you.” I just told him he can’t stop me. I don’t think anyone could. I always find some reason to hold on a little bit longer.
I just have to find my reason before I’m settled with there is no reason. All I’m looking for is one reason because it seems the universe is settled on stopping me in whatever I want to try to do. What is the point of life then if there’s only disappointment? I try to be a good Buddhist and look for the meanings, but I fail. Maybe I’m just lazy and not looking hard enough. Shit, I could’ve also already finished whatever purpose I was supposed to fulfill, but I’m not one to claim omniscience.
Shit…I’m not one to claim anything.
I’m not even going to proofread this before I post it. Just seems better that way.