Wow. Life has way of twisting and turning and placing you in situations you don’t expect. For instance when I started blogging it was me just copying my “older brother.” Then it was a way for me to express myself. Then it became my medium for meeting new people. Later it helped me get my ideas out into the world as I gained popularity. This site was even the place I gained the courage to publicly come out as being a fully accepting of myself, gay individual. Of which I also owe credit to my now best friend.
Who happens to also be the reason I’m leaving xanga, but I’ll get to that later.
I love using my blog to look back on what I’ve seen and done and experienced. It was cool that one of my kids from work(the older ones) came across this space and read every post from start to finish. I’ve had people with me from the beginning, people who came at the middle, and those who are new to my own little world(shoutout to Jason, Adaiah, and Thomas), but not anyone to come and then backtrack. That was pretty awesome. I was curious enough to take the journey with her and it was the ultimate eye opener for me. Many people try to remember what they were like in the past and I have the primary document witness to my evolvement.
I’d also personally like to thank some readers for their support when I went through the most depressive part of my childhood here. I was a moment away from suicide twice and it was really great that I had peeps there for me. To my most treasured readers, Amber, Kara, and Megan, it’s been an absolute pleasure conversing with you.
Now for the goodbye speech and my special thanks.
With my other reasons for beginning my blogging, it was mainly the only way I had to let myself out to the world. To be honest I was the smart loner in junior high school and I didn’t really want to, nor did I hang with anyone until I was almost out of it.(this is in my autobiography in an earlier post. Check it.) So needless to say, I didn’t acquire any meaningful longlasting friends as I moved into high school. And as long as it took to be popular in high school, I was pretty much alone.
Although I did become popular, I didn’t really give a rat’s ass about most of them. I’m almost ashamed to say I did keep alot of them just as a status thing. Like “hey, I know people from that group” or “I roll with those people.” I only established a handful of genuine friends; one of whom I fell in love with and one of whom is my best friend now.
Don’t take me ending my blogging as a bad thing, but a great opportunity. Alot of people have a hard time opening up, which is what this site taught me to do. As superficial as I became, this place was the core me. I kept one rule with my posts: no matter what happened or who read it, I’d write what I felt, when I felt, how I felt, and stay true to me. It was essential to retaining my identity.
I’ve always looked for at least one person I could share my thoughts openly with instead of keeping myself here trying not to risk the real world repercussions(although there have been some with those who did read my stuff). It’s like I was a flower in a pot, stifled by the small confines, longing to flourish in a vast garden with the other plants. Being single, it’s not like I could just randomly tell my boyfriend(:cough: back then girlfriend) what was on my mind. I kept things in my head and xanga kept my mind from exploding.
Then along came Jonathan. You know how you come across a person and you’re like “I’m probably not going to be friends with them forever”, that’s how it was when I first met him. He was the guy who was friends with Joey B., but I didn’t know him. Truthfully if you asked how we became as close as we are now, I’d tell you it just magically happened because I don’t know. …and I’m the one with the good memory.
It was just like this is one person I could be straight with(no pun intended lol) and it was awesome. Well not awesome, because he was the third person I dropped my very stiff emotional wall for and I was highly nervous.
I did it the first time, I fell in love in junior high school and I vowed to never do it for love again. My first girlfriend was the worst ending and I consequently became a slut very soon after…but that’s a story you’ll probably never read on here. Then I did it for my great friend Tony. Me and him shared things that’d I wouldn’t tell anybody. That I never regretted. Now I did it again for the third time. The biggest gamble because this friendship I entered while secretly dealing with my sexuality.
Now we all know that the gay issue is the make and breaker of friendships, let alone families. Especially at the time I couldn’t stand my family and my friends were all I cared about. They were my family. I couldn’t, I wouldn’t lose the one thing i wanted so bad. My life was finally losing turbulence and now this tide threatened to swallow my bridge to happiness.
–>As I write this I realize I never documented my coming out story as most other bloggers and vloggers, but I was waiting til I told someone in my blood family. And I’m not telling any of my lil bros until they are way older. So I’ll type a separate post or video after this is done.
So I took the risk and told him, knowing the worst possibilities of what could happen and it only made us closer. I was surprised and happy and disappointed at the same time. From then on I knew nothing could seperate us and nothing has. Even when I foolishly let myself like him and I distanced myself away. I figured time apart would help me get over him, but it didn’t, a realization did. And it was cool. He put up with my stupid shit and is now the only person who knows Cory and not the Cory I display. Popularity gave me the skill to have a different persona for different people and it just comes naturally, but with him i just dont. Like barrier breaks down and im utterly and totally vulnerable. He is my xanga.
Do you where else I’m known as my true me? Here(with the exception of my little brothers because I refuse to be a hypocritical role model). That’s it. And because I have the ability to be me out there, is why I’m leaving here. There’s no need anymore to keep up this site. My site has served it’s purpose. I’m happy. That’s all i wanted…mental happiness. Not complete mental happiness, but at least a way to stay stable. Being the vent for so many people, I’ve longed for my own and now i have it.
It’s been a pleasureable 5 1/2 year journey from me,”the boy on the corner observing how the world works”, to you, my treasured readers. Much love and I hope that you all find the peace in your life that you may be searching for. I also hope, for my conscience’s sake, that you guys have believed me to be a true and honest blogger. Above all, I’ve strived to be as authentic as possible.
Til next time. Stay frosty.
…if there is a next time.