Boi Growing Up

yea me and skool have gotten to the point where i have to say this. all my life my mom and dad told evryone how proud they were of me and wut a good student i am and this and that. then with all my mentoring and counselor jobs, kids looked up to me cuz of how hard i worked and still managed to have sum fun. but now its not the case anymore. i dont kno how it started, but i can tell u y i keep this behavior up.

i guess when i got to college the amount of freedom and “nobody cares wut u do” got to me. dun get me wrong i went to john dewey high school(thats dewey b4 the gun incident and massive truancy and metal detectors). we had a shitload of freedom there. and ill admit i slipped up there my freshman yr too, but i recovered real fast and worked uber hard throughout skool. but now, its that little bit more space that put me over the edge. plus i dont have my mom in my skool business anymore either and my dad just naively just tells evryone how good i am(actually thats the only reason y i used to work so hard. ill explain another time). even the professors couldnt give 2 shits whether ur there or not.

and yes, if u knew my nature youd have forseen that id take advantage of this. my excuses not to hang with my friends b4 was “attendance matters, i have to b there”. now it doesnt, so im out of class left and right. im already having to withdraw from one class cuz i stopped goin and missed the midterm. then im taking an F in another class and doing an F-replacement next semester for another class. even now as i type im supposed to b in calculus 2. yea thats right, im a freshman in adv calculus. i dont think u understand how lucky i am to b allowed to take that and im not in reg upperclassmem section, im in the graduate student section. like omg. and here’s the kicker…im a paid tutor for ppl up to calc level. am i on drugs?. who the hell doesnt go to the class they get paid to teach?

now u c how far i’ve gone down the wrong path. shiz the only class i go to is physics and i missed 7 lab reports for the lab section.

but y do keep doin this? its cuz i cant stop. ive tried to go baq. ill never go baq to ss. ive always friggin hated ss…since like elementary skool. but i started goin baq to english 2. lasted 2 classes then decided ill just take an F and walk away. went baq to calculus 2, took a test, failed that test…horribly(probably due to my lack of attendance, yet i still kno math like i eat it evrday for breakfast, lunch, and dinner). then i was with my friend he wanted to do sumthin i said fine, and started skippin calc again.

i dont even think i deserve my camp counselor job anymore. id b too big of a hypocrite now. “make sure u do good in skool” “u can work hard now and have fun later”. im barely doin good in skool, im having all the fun in teh world and im screwing work for later. see? hypocrite. but i couldnt leave my kids……

its just that i need sumthin to go baq to class for. last semester i became really cool friends with adaiah, and she really detered my cutting cuz we were in the same classes and i would never intentionally have anyone b influenced by my bad habits. so i went to class to c her. and just in time too. all my grades went sky high and i was able to have fun in class. i can say she pulled my ass out of the danger zone. but now, im alone in evry single class except for physics and youll never guess which friend is in that class….yea, him, the one who got me cutting in the first place. but hey, a friend is a friend. but no reason in any of my other classes. calc has a slight appeal cuz i just think math is fun(i kno i sounded like a geek), but not fun enough for me to sit in a classroom for an hour and 30min. and in truth, if i could just get the balls to baq to calc id b fine cuz thats all i care about.

yea, its balls that keeping me away.

i realized im messing up bad. i realize im wasting away my mom’s money. i realize im probably sacrificing evry dream i ever had for the future if i keep this up. but have u ever had that feelin of shame or embarassment to return to sumthin? its like, i cant get myself to face the look from the professor….even though i kno he wont say anything and he’ll just keep on teaching the lesson as if nothing is different. but i feel the shame as if i dont deserve to b there anymore. i had my chance and blew it. it just sucks to b alone in this. especially bein in the same situation i told myself i would never allow myself to fall into after learning from high school.

im sry dad. im sry adaiah. im sry campers. im sry garvin. and im sry tony.
i dont deserve u guys’ respect, nor friendship anymore

i cant even use my ending for this post.