You ever just need a couple of days? Just a couple to yourself. When something comes and knocks you off your delicate balance in your head. That something that pulls you outside of your body and you’re left looking at your shell, your insides spilling all over the floor with no hope of containment. You know what messes you up the most like that? Love.
Yeah, I don’t know what to do anymore.
Let me start by saying that I do love him. At least, I think I do. I believe love is when you truly care about someone’s happiness above your own. A higher loyalty to them. An unwavering commitment to be there for them no matter the cost of yourself. I still feel that way. It seems like you pay for love with your entire being and it sucks. Kinda why I’m so resistant to it. Kinda why I stay so guarded. I stayed in the “fast life without names” because there’s no pain, no judgments, and everything is on the table right there. Then this boy comes back around and reignites the feelings I had for him way before. I left that life for him. I couldn’t fight his softness for so long and I started to cave because I thought it was safe.
Apparently not. Should’ve taken a couple of moments more to think about that.
Let me next say that even though most of my walls are down, my responses still act in a way to protect myself. I really only noticed with this event that occurred. It’s likes a bomb delay. I got hit, but my emotions got quarantined so I could think clearly without having a skewed response. Now, a couple of days later, my emotions are released now that I’m out of harm’s way, so to speak, and I feel it. Everything I should’ve felt then. The things I should’ve done then. The words I should’ve said.
A couple of words can end anything though.
And I remember that in my head so I stay quiet, but I think that’s more for him and not me. I think that’s why I can say I love him. I care how he feels. I care how raw my emotions would hit him. I see him noticing my withdrawal, but I think this is the lesser of 2 pains. Not explosive fighting, but it’s a smoldering silence. I will take care of him, like I always have, and I will still be there if he needs me, but I can do it holding this in. So long as I want to be in this relationship, my actions will not change. A commitment is a solid vow and you don’t break that for just any little thing. You’re supposed to fix it.
What if the “thing” is something that broke the rules?
Then what do you do? Is it stupid to keep going in spite of the reason not to? Or is this supposed to be a trial that is made to make you a stronger couple? That is my current state of mind. I’m looking at the line of “us” and I don’t know if I should break it and walk. Just a couple of steps away. Either way feels right and not right at the same time. For now, I’m staying on the side of having faith in this. I’m staying with both feet on the side of this relationship.
At least for a couple of days.
Til next time. Stay frosty.