I think this might be the first ever post to exist on both my blogs at the same time and most likely the last. But I think needs to be actually openly admitted. Shit, I’ll probably censor the public version anyway.
I’ve never felt like I needed to or should apologize for who I was before, but I do feel like I need to apologize now. I’m not the same and that doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m better now than before. Step 9 of the rehabilitation process is to contact the people who you’ve hurt and make amends for what you’ve done. I have hurt no one. So I skipped this with my explanation why.
In fact, it’s the opposite. I was of a greater service then than now.
I’ll admit this though. I do wish I had a friend or 2 that I could talk about the deepest parts of myself with, especially this. I wish they could just be like “hey, I know we’ve never talked about that time of your life and it’s really hidden, but I’m here. I wanna talk about it.” We know I respond very well to direct involvement, haha. But the alternative “you know I’m always here to talk about anything” feels so empty and disingenuous to me. Like sometimes it feels like they’re only saying that to make themselves feel better. They don’t really mean that. They don’t REALLY want to have those deep discussions with those hard to take feelings on uncomfortable topics.
But if they did leave me no room to say “yeah, I’m ok, but thanks”? If they were that direct and really initiated that conversation out of actual concern?
What would I say?
Would I say that I feel like I let everyone down?
I off-handedly mention a part of that past and it’s always met with astonishment and surprise and disbelief that I, your friendly neighborhood T-Warrior, could have done such a thing. My genius i.q., my aptitude for so many things, how much I go out of my way to help others, how good I work, my desire to be the best brother and godfather, how much I advocate for peace and serenity, my ability to help other people through things… That’s all because of that past though. I’ve seen the darkest sides of life and I had my tool to get through it in order to evolve from it. But now it’s as if that was supposed to be me from the beginning and having that assistance is impure and I’ve failed at being ..me? Like I shouldn’t have done that because of how “good” I am, but I’m that “good” because of it though. I didn’t put myself on this pedestal, but it’s my fault that I fell from it? So let’s not talk about how I fell.
It’s no longer a personal choice.
I said in the beginning that this wouldn’t be an end, it would only be a break. I just was focusing on my trip and I probably wouldn’t have made it to that day. Well, let’s be honest, yes I would’ve. But, now more than ever, I realize it’s all about me not having immediate access anymore without having to take the initiative to get new connections. It is so much easier being desensitized to everyday life. The stress..the highs vs the lows..the pain. If I could snap my fingers and be back to a balance of being present enough to function, but gone enough to be unfazed…ahhh, the dream.
Would I say that I have absolutely no idea why I’m still here?
I don’t and to say that to your friends and MEAN it, is a level of brutal honesty that most people can’t handle. Like “You do not fear death, but sometimes you wish for it.” At this point, to see next week is purely a game of chance and I either keep winning or losing, depending on how you interpret the outcome so far. How do I even begin to admit that at a present moment? It’s not possible. Mostly because I care too much about keeping other people happy. Adding in a minor part of if I don’t think about it, it goes away.
This is already long. I’m just a boi who grew up and now I’m sitting in my own dark room.
Just with myself.
I grew up watching the world and decided that I’m over it. I’m going back inside to go to bed some more.
Til next time. Stay frosty.