Well I mean technically there isn’t a bad way. Wait, yes there is. Of course there is a bad way. Umm ignorance and plain disregard for teachings?
I’ve had years of studying, learning, and practice and I’m still so weak in my resolve on some things. Christians, in my opinion, have it so easy. They get to do whatever, repent and say they’re sorry, then resume and repent some more. For me, put simply, I get bit in the ass from the universe just for a wrong thought whether I’m sorry or not. Tell me, do you have the self-control to handle a reactionary thought and keep it peaceful?
And these last 2 days was a tough one up there in my head.
I say “put simply” because this post is not a breakdown of my religion. That can be another time if I feel like it.
Me and my mom don’t have the best relationship. Actually, that’s a damn understatement. We are like Russia and America during the Cold War. Everyday we don’t have a full nuclear meltdown is a decent day. A good day is when we just don’t see each other. And I love those days more than most things because I don’t have to wrangle any unpleasantness in my head to keep it from coming out.
And when I date someone who’s like “I want to meet your mom.” They wonder why I’m like you will be very lucky if you do.
She came in my room working from home, already a strike against my mood, but I was heading out luckily. She demolished my room then had the nerve to yell at me my room is a mess. It was argument after argument when I got home also. Even today, right as she walked into the door…more arguing and continuing on such a tirade that I wanted to kick her in her mouth to shut her up. But I even successfully held my tongue and didn’t argue back.
How I pulled that off, I do not know. I honestly think the spirit of the big man himself held my hand at that very moment.
But I remembered about my mom’s life insurance and I honestly thought “Why can’t she die right now and have me set for life?” It felt at the moment that I would just be set for life. No more drama. No more strife. With over a half a million bucks coming to me, I’d be financially set for a long time.
And I felt so bad.
Oooh, not because I would miss my mom because I don’t think I would, but because I let my mind slip into such a dark thought when I try so hard to be as peaceful and of good intent as possible. My mom really can single-handed set me back years of focus. Yes I even know that justification right there is a wrong mindset because I should be respectful to my elders and whatnot, but once again she makes it pretty difficult.
I just need to move out.
Or I need to try harder and get a stronger resolve. Maybe this is another test. Waiting for the academy to start is already a test of patience I believe. The universe is just adding shit to my plate.
A test of strength maybe? Of mental stability maybe? I just don’t want to fail and do something I would regret later in life.
Til next time. Stay frosty.
“Say for instance, that you’re meditating, and a feeling of anger toward your mother appears. Immediately, the mind’s reaction is to identify the anger as “my” anger, or to say that “I’m” angry. It then elaborates on the feeling, either working it into the story of your relationship to your mother, or to your general views about when and where anger toward one’s mother can be justified. The problem with all this, from the Buddha’s perspective, is that these stories and views entail a lot of suffering. The more you get involved in them, the more you get distracted from seeing the actual cause of the suffering: the labels of “I” and “mine” that set the whole process in motion. As a result, you can’t find the way to unravel that cause and bring the suffering to an end.
If, however, you can adopt the emptiness mode — by not acting on or reacting to the anger, but simply watching it as a series of events, in and of themselves — you can see that the anger is empty of anything worth identifying with or possessing….” — from “Emptiness” by Thanissaro Bhikku, at http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/thanissaro/emptiness.html
I wonder why your mother is so angry. She sounds lonely and acts as if she has a hard time reaching out to someone for help.